N.I.L (Naijamum in London)

The Naija Issue

2012-01-20T14:22:00.006Z

I know I said I would only blog once a month but events in Nigeria moved me to write this post

I avoid reading blogs - including mine - when I have a tight schedule. However, I checked on my blog today and saw Naijaline's comment in my last post and I decided to address the 'Naija issue'. Thanks Naijalines

My thoughts:

I last addressed the 'Naija conundrum' when Southern Youth Corpers were killed in the North here Since then, we have seen more deaths, riots, chaos and increasingly staggering levels of corruption.

As a stubborn Fela-listening, Status-Quo-hating, Political Science undergraduate; taking part in students' protests was the norm for me - and my friends. However, some of those friends now occupy political positions and are now doing the same thing we all protested against. Similarly, some acquaintances who were Labour Union activists have now moved into politics - with an accompanying change in ideals.

Political change will only happen if those who are commited to it are not swayed by friends, familiies of finances or fear of discomfort.

If you think of Aung San Suu Kyi , Nelson Mandela ,Gandhi , Martin Luther King...............political change does not come easy

I don't want to preach to anyone.............Each person knows what they can or cannot live with.....

However, my only request is that - if you are a Nigerian - ask yourself:
- Are you willing to die for Nigeria?
- If you enter Nigerian politics, will you do things differently?
- I know quite a few bloggers who come from politically influential families......Do you feel guilty? Do you feel you can be an agent for change? Do you even want things to change?
- If you have a foreign passport, are you willing to hand it in and return to Nigeria to fight for change?

The recent protests accompanying the removal of fuel subsidy reminded me of the student protests we took part in years ago. It also gave me a glimmer of hope that things are changing in Nigeria. However, part of me worries that Nigerians are still easily swayed by money and power.

You think not??????.................Well............
- Think of how Nigerians visit popular Naija websites to sing the praises of ostentatious weddings of the children of prominent Nigerian politicians.
- Think of how we bow down to people who are wealthy but have no visible sources of income.
- Think of how we fight to join the campaign team of any relative or friend who declares his/her intention to run for a political position.
- Think of how we return home from abroad and start bribing, lying, queue-jumping and shoving as soon as we step off the plane

I refuse to sit behind my computer and preach to anyone about what they should or should not do - with regards to making Nigeria a better place to live. All I will say is LOOK WITHIN BEFORE YOU POINT THE FINGER...........then DO WHAT YOU CAN TO CHANGE NIGERIA....TODAY !!!

As I leave, I would like you to view this video of a great African revolutionary - Burkina Faso's Thomas Sankara

Beware The Poisoned Chalice..............................

2012-01-02T03:35:00.006Z

''Poisoned Chalice" is a thing or situation which appears to be good when it is received or experienced by someone, but then becomes or is found to be bad. ...............

I was helping my son with his homework sometime ago and I came across the image below:

Source: www.goodcleanhumor.net

I was fascinated that such a graceful, beautiful animal would have to drink in such an awkward, clumsy way.

Seeking more facts about Giraffes and their unusual drinking position, this is what I read:

'Giraffes use their height to good advantage and browse on leaves and buds in treetops that few other animals can reach....................

The giraffe's height also helps it to keep a sharp lookout for predators across the wide expanse of the African savanna.

The giraffe's stature can be a disadvantage as well—it is difficult and dangerous for a giraffe to drink at a water hole. To do so they must spread their legs and bend down in an awkward position that makes them vulnerable to predators like Africa's big cats'

This got me thinking of how each of us possesses exceptional assets that can also contribute to our downfall. The trick in life is recognising your asset - and staying alert - so that this asset does not become a Poisoned Chalice.

Here are some examples of assets that could become Poisoned Chalice:

- Beauty:
I have seen instances where beautiful people think they can get away with anything because of their physical perfection. Examples abound of girls who thought their beauty was enough to get by....and boys who were so gorgeous in school.... they ceased to work hard.
All I can say is that Bill Gates, Richard Branson etc could not have been the most beautiful people in school. There is a saying that 'Beauty fades but Dumb is Forever'......Enough said

- Intelligence:
Psychologists identify seven to nine types of intelligence....including verbal, visual, physical, introspective, interpersonal, musical etc etc...................I like to keep things simple so I have just two - 'Common Sense Intelligence' and 'Book Sense Intelligence'
Unfortunately, a lot of us focus on pursuing 'book sense' without remembering that 'common sense' is often more important. 'Common Sense' is the type of sense that tells you - 'To buy only what you can afford'.....'To avoid certain people'.........'To avoid gossip'...........'To avoid borrowing'............'To never underestimate anyone' ............etc etc
The thing is people who have 'Book Sense Intelligence' often have very little 'Common Sense Intelligence' because they feel they know it all.
If you ever feel you know it all - because you have a Masters Degree or a P.hD......believe me, you dont !

- Children:

Parents often see their children as their greatest assets.......unfortunately, some parents devote less time to nurturing these assets than they do to reviewing their bank statements.
The problem with this is that these assets have a funny way of becoming liabilities - if you fail to invest time and energy on their upbringing. We can NEVER predict what a child will become in future......BUT we can predict - to a large extent - what a neglected/ badly brought up child is LIKELY to become in future:............A Poisoned Chalice to his/her parents !

- Wealth:

We all pray for financial security and we should. However, wealth comes with its own burden. Questions arise: 'How do I stay on top?'............'Who are my real friends?'............'Will my children squander their inheritance?'.............'Will my spouse still love me if I lose all my wealth?'
The only way a wealthy person can find answers to such questions is to lose all the wealth and see what it is like to be poor...This is not a palatable option.
So..........while we pray for wealth, we should all pray for the wisdom to handle such wealth so that it does not become a burden that weighs us down.

- Friends:

Some people have a natural ability to attract people and make friends. The trick is to know when to stop making friends just for the sake of making friends..................AND...............to recognise which people are friends or acquaintances.
Good friends are an asset......but bad friends can be serious liabilities. Unfortunately, a lot of people seem to think their friends have their best interest at heart.
When I was at university, I knew several girls who couldn't make a single decision without discussing it with their 'closest friends'. Wrong move....
A nice boy is asking them out?.....They seek their friend's opinion.
They hate their course and want to change?........They seek their friend's opinion.
They have a job offer out of state/ abroad?.......They seek their friends opinion.
A potential sugar-daddy is bothering them?..........etc etc..............*sigh* If you need impartial advice, ask someone older who is a role model
The truth is humans are instinctively selfish and 'friends' will usually put their own interest first. A friend can become a poisoned chalice if you let them.

- Strong Family Ties

A strong family bond can be a blessing ....but it can also be a 'Poisoned Chalice'. Examples abound of people who were very close to their siblings before they got married and expected that bond to remain unbroken after they got married or entered into a serious relationship.
Whether we like it or not, we change when we become involved - romantically - with someone else.
A man who chooses to discuss his finances with his siblings and not the mother of his children/wife/ partner is creating the right environment for chaos.
Similarly, a woman who chooses to discuss her career, fears or life plans with her siblings - and not her husband/ partner; is clearing the ground for confusion to reign.
Similarly, a person who makes ALL his/her decisions to please his/her family members is likely to regret this.
There comes a time when your life partner should be your confidant and 'next of kin' in everything. If this is not the case, you are with the wrong person !

- Well Known Name

Some surnames are so well known that once the name is mentioned, doors and arms open wide to recieve the bearer of the name.
This can be an asset or a liability.............depending on how the bearer handles it.
I know of children of famous parents who have failed to make their mark because they feel 'daddy' or 'mummy' has done it all.
Similarly, I know of children of famous parents who have excelled because their famous parents have paved the way for them.
The difference between these achieving and non-achieving bearers-of-well-known names is largely down to upbringing and how much they themselves hunger to make their own mark
As my father would say.........'Some children are taught how to SPEND money and not how to MAKE money !
Bearing a well known name is incredibly empowering and and can be a good thing..................but it can also be a 'Poisoned Chalice' ...............if the bearer is not equipped to ensure the 'well-known' name does not become well known for laziness, bad manners and notoriety.

So,
As we enter into 2012, my prayer for all - including me - is that we recognise our assets and work against them turning into liabilities. Not everyone has the power to see what asset is a potential 'Poisoned Chalice' - so we should all guard against complacency.

Stay blessed ...................I'll see you soon
xxxxx

Hello to you, Goodbye to 2011

2011-12-31T22:09:00.002Z

No excuses, no long story......I have been MIA for too, too long and I apologise to all ........... especially to all those brothers and sisters who dropped by or sent me an email to effectively say:
'NA WA FOR YOU OH !!!' ...........LOL

Some even dropped by to check the blog and then 'je-je-lly' (quietly) move on with a loud 'MSCHEWWWW...........YEYE WOMAN !' LOL

My self-imposed absence is over and after a lot of thought, I have come to a compromise - that will allow me manage my blog effectively.....alongside my numerous other commitments:
I have decided to blog once a month for now - as I really don't want to lose touch with you all. Thus, I will blog on the first Saturday of every month. (However, my first post for 2012 will be tomorrow)

As we leave 2011 and enter 2012:
I pray the new year will bring you all peace and happiness.
All your dreams will come true.........tenfold.
For those of us who wept in 2011......2012 will be full of laughter and happiness;
For those who buried loved ones in 2011, next year will see our loss healed by endless blessings;
For those who suffered financial distress in 2011, next year will see abundance all around;
For those who sought love without success in 2011, next year will come with the love that is right for you;
For those who lost themselves in 2011.....I pray 2012 will be your year of Empowerment, Self-Realisation and Self-fulfillment.
Amen and Amen

My people say 'Shine your Eye no be Curse' (Advising someone to 'Beware' is not an insult).......so I pray 2012 is the year we are not only aware of potential hazards to our progress /welfare........but it is also the year we are empowered to overcome/ challenge those hazards. AMEN

Happy New Year......

Please enjoy this video of an artiste I just discovered - Michael Kiwanuka - I believe he is going to be big in 2012:

See you next year....xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Awards and Questions

2011-10-16T16:02:00.002+01:00

As I thought of the best way to resume blogging, I started thinking about what would be the best post to publish first.
I then decided it would be best to respond to the Versatile Blogger award that I have been awarded by Luciano and Nightingale.

Many thanks to both of you and my apologies for the delayed response.

Fortunately/ unfortunately, I did something similar to this here:

http://naijamuminlondon.blogspot.com/2011/03/sneaking-inand-saying-thanks.html.

However, in the spirit of sharing, I will share 7 things that worry me about today's Nigerian society (including Nigerians living abroad) :

1. Being famous is now a goal?

If you ask some kids what they want to be in future, they will answer....'I want to be famous'. More often than not, if you then ask them 'Famous for what?'; they are likely to say 'I dont know' or 'I just want to be a celebrity'. I beg to ask what we are doing wrong as parents and role models when kids today don't even talk about aspiring to be inventors, scientists, writers or artists.............

2. Knowledge is so underrated !

When I was younger, I grew up around a university campus. While I knew that academics were more often than not poorer than most businessmen; I admired the knowledge they had. However, I do feel that our Nigerian society totally disrespects the real academics/ knowledge seekers amongst us. A society that does not reward intelligent and inquisitive minds is not ready to grow.

3. Academic qualifications can be overrated !

I cannot tell you how many times I have come across Nigerians who have a string of degrees and academic qualifications ........without any work experience. This may be acceptable in some fields - i.e. research. However, as someone who works in Education/ Training, I have to say that most employers prefer experience and great personality instead of a suitcase of redundant degrees

4. Priorities are skewed for most young ladies............

Who is the slimmest? Who has the richest boyfriend? Who has the richest dad? Who has the most friends on facebook? Who has the latest designer bag? Who was invited to the wedding-of-the year? Whose skin is lightest? Whose hair is 'on point'? Who has only sons? Who has had only daughters?

Sometimes, when I listen to young ladies talk, I almost feel like we have taken a step back in time - to a time when women were expected to be ornaments and appendages. Dont get me wrong, I love fashion and looking good but even my late grand-mother sounded more empowered than most of our young ladies today. If this is the way forward......I shudder. *sigh* All I can say to such ladies is 'Get smart .........as the saying goes - 'Beauty fades but dumb is forever'

5. Priorities are skewed for most young men..........

Who has the 'baddest' car? Who has 'hit it big time'? Who has married a rich man's daughter? Who wears designer items? Who buys the most champagne in the club? Who has built the biggest house?

Again, dont get me wrong, I love a good ride and a man who knows how to enjoy life...However, when a man knows how to SPEND money and not how to MAKE money...we have a problem.

6. The more things change, the more they remain the same !

It has been said that 'There is nothing new under the sun'. This is certainly true when one looks at societal trends:

Most of the people who criticised past Nigerian military governments are now in power? Are they any better?

The young girls who criticised their mothers for succumbing to negative cultural dictates are now wives and mothers themselves....Are they any stronger? I think not.

The young boys who criticised their fathers for disrespecting their mothers with serial adultery are now husbands themselves ...................Have they chosen a different path? In most cases...........NO

7. Will blurred identities mean blurred visions?

Blurred = Something that is hazy and indistinct to the sight or mind

Personal Identity = how a persons identifies him/herself

Cultural Identity = A person's self-affiliation (or categorization by others) as a member of a cultural group

National Identity = A person's belief in membership of a nation

No man can be an island and we are all influenced - in different ways - by music, religion, television etc

As Nigerians travel more and are exposed to more influences, I do wonder what the 'Nigerian identity' will be like in future.

Who could have predicted a 'Karen Igho' ten years ago? I like 'progress' as much as the next man but as my people say ' River wey forget im source go run dry' (A river that forgets its source will surely run dry)

So, a big thank you to Luciano and Nightingale for the award. I do appreciate it.

Do share anything that makes you worry about today's Nigerian society................Thanks for always coming over xxxxxxxxxxx

Poetic Apologies

2011-10-02T17:20:00.001+01:00

What can I say........?

I guess this is how friendships are lost...........?.

Just one day, I said

No blogging, no blog hopping,

Focus on pressing deadlnes,

Focus on kids returning to school,

Focus on those demands and responsibilities,

That threatened to engulf me.

Thirty days later......

The deadlines have been met,

The kids are settling well in school,

The demands have been answered,

And I feel at peace.

I guess this is how friendships are reborn........?

Today, I said,

I must blog my apology,

I must re-enter the fold,

I must remember why I started blogging,

And why I love reading blogs.

What can I say?

Apologies for my sudden absence........
*sigh*

Make a Move

2011-09-02T01:30:00.002+01:00

So, we are actually in September ??? ...................114 days (16 weeks) to Christmas Day...............121 days (17 weeks) to enter into the year 2012 !!!!

All I can say to you - and me also - is WAKE UP ! WAKE UP !!

If there's some dream you vowed to pursue at the beginning of the year, you better make a move - or in 17 weeks, you will be carrying over that dream

If there's some vice/ person/ thing you vowed to get rid off at the beginning of the year, you better make a move or you will be dragging that baggage into another year

If there's a part of your life you vowed to improve upon at the start of 2011; you better resurrect that goal or you will probably enter 2012 with a nagging feeling you have unfinished business.

If there's someone out there you feel is your soul mate...............well, you know what I'm going to say......MAKE A MOVE !!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

2011-08-29T03:06:00.003+01:00

I planned to blog about something funny and upbeat today. However, after the bombing in Abuja, I have been so confused.

My confusion - WHAT IS GOING ON ????.................................................

I know Nigeria has always had its share of challenges BUT this violence is just spiraling out of control.

Since January 2010, Boko Haram has been at the heart of so many atrocities. This year alone, they have been behind several attacks - including a car bomb attack on the Police HQ; a bomb blast at a bar near an Abuja barracks. Needless to say, innocent lives have been lost

Surprisingly, it seems that whenever the perpetrators are even caught, they are killed instantly. How will we ever get to the root of all this if those who can reveal more - are killed as soon as they are captured?

Some may feel the best way to deal with Nigeria's challenges is to pretend they dont exist. I beg to differ. Even if I am not a politician, my conscience dictates I must speak/rant/cry........................whatever.

The Irish philosopher, Edmund Burke (1729-1797) once said - 'All that's necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing'

While I pray for God to intervene in Nigeria's future; I also pray that those who are in a position to stop this violence do not adopt the principle of 'See no Evil; Hear no Evil and Speak no Evil'
If they do, the repercussions will be disastrous.

The poem below by Martin Niemoller (1892-1984) was originally written about the failure of German intellectuals to condemn Nazi rise to power.

I do believe the poem totally encapsulates what happens when evil is allowed to take root in any society:

First they came for the communists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a communist,

Then they came for the trade unionists,

and I didn't speak out because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,

and I didn't speak because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for me

and there was no one left to speak for me

*sigh* Please have a blessed week

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Super-Heroes OR Super-Zeroes (2)

2011-08-21T01:25:00.001+01:00

Before I begin, I want to say thank you to all who commented on the last post.

My hubby read the comments and told me that I am in trouble - because everyone is expecting one 'gan-gan' (stupendous) story on Sunday. LOL................. I told him that he is a trouble-maker. LOL

Anyway, here goes:

Example 2:
When I was growing up, we had two neighbours. As is the norm - in Nigeria - we (the kids) called the two mothers in those homes 'aunties'.

The first aunty had spent all her life in the Edo/Delta area. She had three kids. Her home was quite modest - because money was tight for her. Her hubby was an average earning civil servant and she was an average earner also. This aunt was pretty, simple and motherly. Then, I saw her as the traditional Naija mum/wife because she wasnt really into make-up, dieting etc. She wasn't even keen on driving herself because she was 'scared' of dangerous drivers. I will call her 'Aunty Basic'

The second aunty had spent most of her life in Lagos. She had four kids (three boys and a girl) - who were a bit older than Aunt Basic's kids. Aunty Flash did some of her education in London and even had some of her kids abroad. Her hubby was a civil servant but she did some business (buying and selling alongside her regular job). As a child, I saw her as the 'funkier' one because her dress-sense was fantastic, she was also very conscious of her weight and she travelled abroad often. Her home was quite flash - because they were better off than most. I will call her 'Aunty Flash'

Despite their lifestyle differences, these two were great friends. However, we (those around them) often felt that Aunty Basic was too much of a follow-follow (follower) because she was always running around Aunty Flash. I think there was an element of hero-worship on Aunty Basic's part.

Indeed, Aunty Basic was always comparing her home, her kids, her family ...................everything to Aunty Flash's. Whenever, Aunty Flash travelled abroad, she was always going on and on about how she hadn't travelled abroad. When Aunty Flash told her friend that her two eldest kids were going to the US to complete their education, Aunty Basic went on and on about this - despite the fact that her own kids were doing well in school.

Aunty Basic's kids did not like that their mother was always going to Aunty Flash to report whenever they misbehaved. Their mum said it was because she wanted Aunty Flash to advice them. Despite this Aunty Basic's kids liked their aunt - Aunty Flash's kids also liked Aunty Basic.

As time went by, Aunty Flash moved out of the area and saw each other ocassionally - mostly at church or at social gatherings. Over time, Aunty Basic retired and spent most of her time on church activities. Aunty Flash retired also and spent most of her time travelling between London, Austria and Italy - because she was now buying and selling gold and lace fabrics full time. She also visited her kids in the US a lot.

Two of Aunty Basic's kids also moved abroad - to the UK - and her comparisons took another turn. She was always comparing her daughter's husband to Aunty Flash's son. You see, Aunty Flash's son had built a massive house in Lagos and there was a time he was always in Nigeria for business. Aunty Basic felt her son-in-law was 'slack' (not clever/business minded enough).

Finally, Aunt Basic was invited by her first child to visit her in the UK. When she got over here, she contacted some old friends who had moved over here a long time ago. They met up and Aunty Flash's name came up...................Well, my brother and sisters, her friends told her:

- All the time Aunty Flash was coming to the UK to do 'business', she was also doing part-time cleaning jobs;
- Aunty Flash's first two sons are ex-convicts (they have been to jail for fraud at different times);
- Aunty Flash's only daughter is divorced with two children (her marriage ended on a very messy note with her at fault - let's just say she and her hubby had 'trust' issues).
- Aunty Flash's last son is a well know fraudster in the area he is residing
- None of Aunty Flash's kids graduated from their UK and US based universities. They all dropped out of school. (Meanwhile, all Aunty Basic's kids are professionals)
- Finally, Aunty Flash's hubby has set up home with another woman in the northern part of Nigeria

Needless to say, upon hearing all these, Aunty Basic was ashamed that all those years she had been disparaging her home, kids, hubby to Aunty Flash..............her 'friend' had kept so many secrets.

Summary - According to her daughter, Aunty Basic bitterly regrets all the years she compared her children to Aunty Flash's kids. The relationship between Aunty Basic and her kids is not wonderful - basically because they feel too much of their childhood was all about 'not measuring up to others'

My lesson learnt - Comparisons are dangerous. If you keep on measuring what you have against others, you will never be satisfied with what you have.

Again, NEVER disparage your kids, home, family or spouse to outsiders. My people say 'Monkey no fine but im mama like am' (the monkey might be ugly, but it is still loved by its mother).

Indeed, Your Super-hero today might turn out to be a Super-zero tomorrow.

Have a blessed week everyone
xxxxxxxxxx

Super-Heroes OR Super-Zeroes (1)

2011-08-18T18:45:00.006+01:00

First off ...Hello my brethren. Area hail oh! For the Oyinbo out there - Hope all is well? LOL

Long story short, I need to share a couple of lessons learnt with you. I know I should be wise by now - but my brothers and sisters, na every day my eye dey open more (I learn every day).

My lesson learnt these past few weeks is that 'WE SHOULD CHOOSE OUR HEROES CAREFULLY'

I hereby share how this lesson hit me like a ton of bricks (Believe me, these are real - whenever you see my hubby, ask him) !

Example 1:

My very good friend has a couple she has always admired.

This couple - I shall call them Mr and Mrs Miracle - have been childless for over 14 years of marriage. However, the man remained very loving and supportive towards the woman. While the woman insisted that they go for IVF or adopt, the man insisted that he was not ready to pursue IVF or adopt - he was ready to 'wait on the Lord'. My friend always used the couple as an example of rare love among Nigerian couples.

Anyway, in 2009, the woman fell pregnant. Praise God abi?.............Humph! Long story short is that she had a beautiful girl and they celebrated like it was the second coming of Christ. Aso-ebi, goat meat, owambe, gold, platinum, rice, amala, Chinese buffet etc etc. Nothing was too much.

Early this year, the child fell ill and they had to do several diagnostic blood tests...............I bet you can see where this is going....Well, you are right. The doctor called them both to one side and told them that the child was not the man's...................and also not the woman's ! He then asked if the child was adopted. Humph. My reliable 'informant' told me that Mr Miracle fainted at this point.

Where did the child come from? Mrs Miracle later confessed that desperation made her secretly pursue IVF. She paid privately to have IVF treatment (where donated egg and sperm are fertilised and implanted back in the womb) Story don start (the story begins) !

Following this confession, Mr Miracle insisted they get a divorce. It was then Mrs Miracle got her friends and family to plead with her husband.. He still refused. When she approached one of her friends to go and plead with her hubby, the friend refused. Mrs Miracle asked why - and the friend then told her that most people knew that Mr Miracle had a 7 year old son with another lady in London. When Mrs miracle confronted Mr Miracle, he didnt deny - he re-affirmed that he was ready to divorce because as he put it 'His real family needs him.' Story don finish (End of story) !

Summary - They are both getting a divorce and they are now fighting over their shared assets. Mrs Miracle is now mad because the bulk of the assets was built up by her (she always earned more). My friend is in shock - because she always used to tell her husband that Mr Miracle should be his role model.

My lesson learnt - You can NEVER know what goes on behind closed doors so never envy another couple.....Always aim to make your home your heaven/ castle. My people say - Na who wear shoe na im know where dey pain am (Only the wearer knows where the shoe pinches)

I think I have written too much....................I will leave Example 2 till Sunday

Stay blessed
xxxxxxxxxx

Images from: http://www.fotosearch.com/

The Rabble Speaks

2011-08-09T22:22:00.004+01:00

It is no news now that parts of England are/were on fire.

This situation brings back memories to me:

In 1990, the Nigerian Military Government decided to accept a World Bank/ IMF loan. This loan came with the condition that the government implement Structural Adjustment Policies (SAPs). These SAPs required Nigeria to do the following:

- Devalue the Naira against the Dollar;

- Lift import and export restrictions;

- Balance the budget and not overspend;

- and remove price controls and state subsidies

In a country with more accountability, this could have been bearable.

However, most students were incensed because we knew that corruption, economic mis-management and an absence of accountability had put Nigeria – Africa’s primary oil producer – in this position. The general feeling was that these austerity measures would mean - as always - ‘poor man go suffer but big man go chop big time’ (the poor would suffer, while the rich would continue to prosper)

University students all over Nigeria took to the streets to protest. Aged 19 and in my third year at Uniben, I was one of them. We felt anger towards a government that didn’t seem to care about us; that wasn’t paying our parent’s their salaries and pensions; that was doubling fuel prices and refusing to upgrade campus facilities.

Indeed, why should the government even care...when most of their children were schooling abroad.

I am proud to say that I was part of that Student Protest because that was my only way I could express myself – as a young student from an average, struggling home...who was growing up under a military regime. However, I never looted because my upbringing would not let me – deep down I was a ‘well-brought-up girl’.

Unfortunately, what started as a peaceful student protest degenerated into looting and stealing. Unfortunately, others who were not so ‘well-brought up’ destroyed and looted. Just like in the London riots.

Lives were lost, people were injured, looters destroyed businesses and a lot of students were suspended/ expelled.

I do not endorse or support what is going on in London at the moment BUT like my father always said ‘If two friends never quarrel, one is cheating the other’. Yes, the protests have gotten out of control, but I believe they are a manifestation of underlying issues.

In a year where the UK has seen numerous people lose their jobs; families lose their homes due to missed mortgage payments; children suffer in homes where finances have dwindled to nothing; small businesses close because banks have cut off their overdraft; youth and community centres shut due to austerity measures...........................We have also seen two Royal weddings; Banks post substantial profits and the decision to treble university fees from 2012.

Rioters are always likely to hijack peaceful protest AND Some people are always intent on committing crime.

Unfortunately, time and time again, governments ignore the gentle voices of protesters until their voices are taken over by the roar of the rabble.

All this might have been avoided if the Police had been more diplomatic in the way they handled the family of the man who was shot. Who knows.............

Unemployment;........ Racial tensions;....... Bad Parenting;........ Social Inequality;......... Bad Policing;.............whatever fuelled this, I only hope that the underlying issues are not ignored. If they are, history tells us they will come back to haunt us.

The brave lady in the video below made a passionate speech in the midst of looters...I believe she speaks for most Black mothers:

Mama Peace vs Papa Peace (Part 2)

2011-07-30T23:48:00.010+01:00

NOTE:

I wrote the first part of this poem - the wife's side - sometime ago. Read here.

This second part is a response from the man...................................................

I no blame you

See your mouth like mumu.

You no know how I be

Before you agree marry me?

Abegi, I happy to go ! 

My belle dey sweet

Because your wahala be like meat;

Wey don spoil sotay....

People dey smell am from far far away.

Abegi, I happy to go !

You sabi sleep church

But your tafia tooo much.

You even be church leader

But your ashewo no get meter.

Abegi, I happy to go !

Yes, I carry your sister

But you follow my brother.

Yes, I follow Dora

But you kele Pastor.

Abegi, I happy to go !

I even thank God

Say na only Peace be my blood.

The other four go surely go prison

So wetin be my own ?

Yeye woman, I don dey go !

mumu = fool

Abegi = Please (sarcastically)

belle = tummy

wahala = trouble

sotay = so much, so badly

tafia = being nosy, gossiping

ashewo = prostitute

kele = to sleep/ have sex with

wetin = what

yeye = useless

English Version:

I really cannot stand you

With your mouth like a shrew.

You knew what I was

Before you latched onto me with your claws.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go ! 

My mood has now turned sweet

Because your attitude stinks like meat

That has become so putrid

Its smell travels far far afield.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go ! 

You are always the last to leave church

Yet you gossip so much.

In church you are a cornerstone

Yet your promiscuity is well known.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

Yes, I slept with your sister

But you ravished my brother.

Yes, I cheated with Dora

But you seduced the Pastor.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

I even thank God

That only Peace is truly my blood.

The other four are surely prison-bound

So why should I hang around?

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

Follow Follow

2011-07-24T15:17:00.004+01:00

Some tings dey tire me oh.............................Somethings really make me throw my hands up in the air and just say - 'I GIVE UP !'

One such thing is some people's ability to follow EVERY trend - without putting two brain cells together to ask themselves whether the trend even makes sense. Here are few examples of 'Follow Follow' that have left me in a state of wonderment.

(1) STUPID TATTOOS / TATTOOS ON VERY DARK SKIN

Rapper Gucci Mane (www.dailymail.co.uk)

My people what's the point? I have noticed some Naija people with very dark complexions getting tattoos that no-one can ever notice.......and the tattos end up looking like keloids.

Some of them say they love tattoos because they are addicted to pain. My brothers and sisters if you desire pain.......one week in Kirikiri prison should help.

More surprising, I have seen Naija peeps with tattoos in a foreign language they don't even understand...... I kid you not. For example, I was at a party in London one day, when I noticed a tattoo on one cute Naija babe's back. On closer inspection, I noticed the tattoo was in a language I couldn't read.

Me: "What does that say dear?"

Girl (looking smug): "Oh my tat? It says 'God loves me - in Hindi"

Me: mmm (biting my tongue so as not to say something sarcastic)

My people, in Hindi oh!............................ Yoruba dey there, Ibo dey there, Hausa nko? Bini biko....even Pidgin sef !!! FOLLOW FOLLOW !

(2) LEGGINGS AS TROUSERS

Source: blogs.sundaymercury.net

Since leggings came back into fashion, the things my eyes have seen.....my mouth cannot even utter. I love, love fashion and I see it as a good way to express oneself. But.....there are limits oh!

Everytime I go out, I see all sorts of shapes and sizes in leggings - worn as trousers. If the person wearing it is a very young girl with a petite shape, the sight is a bit bearable.

However, I keep on seeing some of my African sisters with heavy ikebe (backside) parading London in leggings they wear as trousers. I pity the poor leggings because I feel they must be begging for mercy - as they have stretched so much, lycra, cotton and nylon must don separate. (The lycra, cotton and nylon components must have gone their separate ways)

PS - I dont even want to get started on how many camel toes and cellulite puddings I have been accosted with. Please oh...........FASHION TREND + FOLLOW FOLLOW = EYE SORE !!!!

(3) NAIJA CELEBS POUTING

Source: www.fotosearch.com

*pouting = To push one's lips or one's bottom lip forward as an expression of petulant annoyance or in order to make oneself look attractive**

Whenever I look at pics of 'Naija celebrities' -especially Nollywood actresses; I have noticed that quite a lot of them seem to pout whenever they pose for pictures. I really do not understand this trend.

A lot of caucasians pout (to make their lips appear bigger) because their lips are usually thinner than those of Africans..........HOWEVER, my brothers and sisters, you all know that we (Africans) are not lacking in that department. LOL

So please tell me why oh why, our so-called celebs have to copy this also. Abeg, una 'facial kpomo' dey sufficient.....................no need for enhancement oh !!!

Even sef, how many Naija men dey look girl lips as the most attractive feature for im bodi ? Most men I know dey focus on the girl Face, Nkiru or her Azuka !! LOL

(Translation: How many Nigerian men actually fall for a girl because of her lips? Most men are initially attracted by a girl's face, boobs or backside !!)

(4) PUBLIC DISPLAY of AGBAYAISM

Just like the ladies who wear leggings as trousers; I cannot understand why a grown man will want to show his underwear in public.

This trend is bad enough on teenagers .......but when I see it on a grown man; I conclude the person must be an Agbaya (old fool). The only time a man should display his underwear in public is when he is about to swim OR he is being paid to model them. Finito

Honestly, whenever I see an adult with sagging jeans and boxers on show in public; all I can think about is solied nappies/ diaper.

This is one of those trends that separates those WITH and WITHOUT common sense. Call me old fashioned, but this trend is gross !

(5) EYELASHES AS BROOMS

Source: http://izismile.com/

Long eyelashes can make a woman look even more beautiful so I totally understand the current trend of having false eyelashes fixed.

However, some of these eyelashes can only be called 'Health and Safety' hazards'. How do you know you have fixed a hazard on your eyes?.....:

- If your lashes are long enough to braid......you are in trouble.

- If they hamper your vision, ditto;

- If the whole day seems like 24 hours nightime.................you have to advice yourself seriously.

My people ........................I no fit shout. According to my people:........... FLY WEY NO DEY HEAR WORD, GO FOLLOW DEAD BODY ENTER GRAVE (The fly that refuses to heed advice will end up in a grave with a corpse)

This post reminded me of a lovely video I saw last year: 'Follow Follow' by Nigerian musician 'Gaise'. A lot of what he says makes real sense. Watch and enjoy:

Recognising your own Worth

2011-07-22T00:49:00.006+01:00

Quite a few blogs I have read recently have been talking about marriage. Most female bloggers seem to be complaining about a lack of suitors.....and the male bloggers seem to be lamenting that the women they meet lack that ‘something special’

This has got me thinking a bit......and my thoughts keep dwelling on what I feel quite a lot of single girls (I have come across) seem to lack. While I know this post might get a few ladies angry with me. However, I am determined to say my piece because....if I had a daughter, this is a conversation I would have with her.

Before I begin, I have to say that marriage is not for everyone......However, quite a lot people still believe it is............So, here goes:

My observation is that a lot of girls I have met/ spoken to/ watched grow up do not seem to know their worth.

By that, I mean they do not appreciate that a good wife is an asset to a man........ and it is the men that should be desperate to get their hands on a good wife. Don't get me wrong, I do realise that men generally do not realise this. However, more often than not, the people around them (mothers, dads, sisters etc) are very good at pointing good wife material out to them.

A tale about my good friend will explain further:
My friend was in a bad marriage. Most people thought she should have stayed with her husband - especially as they had three kids together; but she knew she was worth so much more. So, she took a decision to leave her husband. Well, three years later, she met a man who loved her and her kids. Long story short, they got married and she had twins............!!!!

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

She is not by any means my only friend who has been 'snapped up' .....even after being married and having kids.........In fact I have three friends who are in the same boat. When I look at them....I can see that they share similar personalities: They are all happy, cheerful women who don't let life get them down. These ladies knew their worth...and project it. These women are real DIAMONDS - rare and valuable.

Most men I know don't like stress at all. They want an easy life....and if they feel a woman will facilitate this easy life, they will go after her. To be clear, I am not saying that a woman should be subservient to a man. However, from experience; a woman who realises she is a diamond....and would be an invaluable addition to a man's life.....is more often than not 'snapped up' without any delay.

People always say 'Women are always desperately trying to snare good men'....To be honest, women need to know that a lot of men are desperately seeking good women:

My definition of a good woman (in relation to marriage/ romantic relationships):
- A good woman knows how to manage a home for £10 or for £100;
- A good woman knows how to feed 10 or 100 people with the little she has;
- A good woman makes sure the kids eat even when the cupboards are bare;
- A good woman know when/ how to cover her husband/partner's inadequacies from other family members;
- A good woman knows what to say or do when her husband/partner is down;
- A good woman knows how to make her home an oasis of peace from the big, bad world.

So, if I had a daughter, my message to her would be 'Know your worth, Project it ........and Believe it. If you believe you are a valuable asset, others will too. Like I said before, marriage is not for everyone. However, girls really need to get over this idea that a man is doing them a favour - by marrying them. To be honest, IF you are a diamond....you are doing him a favour !

PS:
................ I asked my good friend - whose experience I used here - to read this post. She's quite reserved, but this was her reply (in an email) :

........'Read ur blog. Lol. A precious gem who knows her worth!!! Moi.

Was a good read and oh, so true. Women these days are desperate to be 'Mrs', they are taking absolute rubbish from men who dont and can't even hold a candle to them. Pschewww!'

Thank you

2011-07-16T10:34:00.001+01:00

I opened my emails this morning and was shocked to see an email from GNG to say that I have been awarded the 'Best Parenting Blog' by The Nigerian Blog Awards 2011.

To say I am shocked is an understatement - mainly because I still think my blog is 'not quite there', in terms of consistency, quality and depth. So, I see this award as an encouragement to do better.

A big THANK YOU to all who voted for me. Thank you to other bloggers who motivated me to start blogging, to read their blogs and to even think deeply about the issues they raised in their posts.

DISCLAIMER:
I know I have been awarded the 'Best Parenting Blog' but I want you all to know that I am still learning how to be a good parent.
So, do not be surprised if ........................................
(1) You run into me one day and I am screaming at my kids OR
(2) You hear I made a parenting mistake OR
(3) My kids think I am an awful mum OR
(4) My hubby thinks I can do better.

LOL..........................Thanks to you all.

Please help a sister out

2011-07-14T10:06:00.000+01:00

My blog sister Ginger is carrying out research into the effect of Sickle cell disorder on reproductive behavior.

As someone who carries out research, I can confirm that questioning Nigerians in particular (and Africans in general) is not an easy task. So, I would like to ask you all to please, please, please, please help a sister out. ABEG
Please take 20 minutes to complete the SURVEY HERE
*Closing my eyes in prayer and stretching my hands out to you*

As you help, so others will help you

Whatever you seek, you will find

You will be blessed hundredfold.

Amen and amen

Thank you all

PS - Ginger is not paying me oh. This is investment for when her big bucks start rolling in *smile*

Celebrating Love

2011-07-02T17:13:00.002+01:00

I just read the lovely Sting's blog and I was reminded of a video I watched recently.

It was a song titled 'Be Your Man' by a Nigerian artiste called Dipo.

This song is one of my favourites right now.

With all the bad news we hear about love and relationships, things like this remind us that love can be sooooo beautiful. Please view and enjoy:

Have a blessed and relaxing weekend
xoxoxoxox

Seize the Day

2011-06-30T03:40:00.003+01:00

A close friend of mine has been going through some distressing marital issues and I have shared her experience with some people I exchange emails with.

In summary, she has dealt with domestic violence; financial abuse (where one spouse uses money as a form of control) and infidelity. The last fight they had ended with the hubby beating her up in front of their only son.

This post is not about judging who is right or wrong - because one can never know EVERYTHING about a marriage or romantic relationship. Instead, this post is to share the advice I gave her because I believe it might help someone out there.

I usually refrain from giving advice because I am wary about misleading people BUT I was moved to say something when my friend said

- They (her hubby and her) hadnt spoken in two weeks
- He was spending most nights out of the house
- Everytime she approached him to discuss things, they ended up arguing - often descending into violence
- Her four year old son touched her bruised face as they sat on the bus and said 'Daddy hurt you, didnt he?'

At this point I asked her what she was going to do and she said she had decided to face her career and accept that they would live separate lives in the same house. She also said she didn't want a divorce because she was worried about 'what people would say'

So, I asked her:
'Imagine you were the well paid CEO of a multi-billion pound company, who is celebrated and feted everywhere. How will you feel if you always have to return back to a house where you have a room-mate who insults you, slaps you, refuses to pay rent and argues with you all the time?.'

Her answer was ovbious: 'I would be so unhappy'

So, my advice to her was that she owes it to her son to take charge of her life and do what is best for him - provide him with a loving and peaceful environment to grow in. How she does that is up to her.

How one overcomes life's challenges is a personal decision.

However, it is important to remember that YOUR life is YOURS alone. If you keep on worrying about what others will think, you will never make important decisions about your life.

Again, you are never too old to make a life change.

If humans are expected to live to 70 years old............Consider this:
An adult aged 30 years old has only had approximately 10 years control over their life because parents have made decisions for at least the first twenty years.

So, is it not sad if a thirty year old gives up and decides to settle for less? Even if you are 40 years old and you decide to change your life, you have at least 30 years to savour the changes you have made.

One of my favourite mottos is 'Carpe Diem' - which means 'Seize the day'.

The day you stop learning is the day you give up on life. The day you give up on life is the day you die....It might not be literally ...as in you fall down and die. BUT, the day you give up on life is the day something in you dies...it might be the sparkle that made you special or the smile that opened doors for you or the hope that made you wake up every morning.

My dear friends...it's never too late ....Seize the day and take control of YOUR life.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

PS - The lovely Vickii made me aware that I have been nominated in the Nigerian Blog Awards. To whoever nominated me. Thank you, I'm really flattered xoxoxoxxo

My Dearest Pickin

2011-06-23T16:00:00.002+01:00

Inspired by Naija parents dealing with badly behaved children abroad

My dearest pickin*

Wetin you learn today

for your spree spree* school?

Una learn to play

or.......how to look cool?

I see you learn well well

how to behave like fool.

And even open mouth tell

me.......say I be 'old school'.

I see say you no fit pass

Maths and English.

But you sabi harass

your classmates and teachers

I even see say you get zero

when dem give una test.

Yet you be hero

to your useless friends

The other day you complain

say you go call olopa*

because I bring out my special cane

to whip you yeye* yansh*

My dearest pickin

I rather die

Than to see you begin

become thief and lie lie.

So, abeg come carry phone

because I ready to go prison

I no wan leave you alone

but my cane go make you see reason.

My dearest, yeye pickin

*pickin: child
*spree spree: speaking with a foreign accent
*olopa: police
*yeye: nonsense, stupid
*yansh: backside

New Naija-British Drama

2011-06-22T14:55:00.001+01:00

A new Naija-British drama is launching in the UK and US this Sunday 26th June 2011 - titled MEET THE ADEBANJOS

Watch the trailer here:

And here's some behind-the-scenes footage:

You can sign up to the mailing list NOW So You Can Receive A Password to watch for FREE!!

I sincerely wish them the best of luck...I'll definitely be watching :)

The Sunshine Awards

2011-06-19T00:24:00.002+01:00

Thank you to Myne , Ibhade and Yellow Sisi for this lovely award. Much appreciated !

As it has been raining in London for three days - yes, three days........ this has brought some welcome sunshine my way

Well, I am now expected to name 10 blogs that bring sunshine into my life. THIS IS NOT EASY AT ALL, AT ALL !!!!!
I feel like I have been asked to choose my favourite child........How is that possible? *confused look*

*Deep sigh*.......................Anyway, I have decided to break the rules and highlight 30 blogs. This is only fair seeing I was nominated by 3 people *sly smile* So, here are the 30 blogs that I would ask anyone new to blogging to check out .................and why.

(1) IBHADE - She keeps it real. No effizzy, white-washing or sugar coating. If you want a honest potrayal of what the average mother in Nigeria has to face daily, visit her blog. Intelligence with a dose of native common sense. She is a brave woman. Her kids are really lucky to have such a role model

(2) MYNE - A writer who nurtures other writers is a rarity. Her blog is a showcase for unpublished, young Nigerian writers. Makes one realise how much talent Nigeria has.

(3) YELLOW SISI - A gentle Christian who invites you in to share her spiritual journey. Her blog always makes me smile and her messages are always on point.

(4) LINDA IKEJI - Hot gist spot. If you want to get the latest Naija gist....go here. However, before you enter, please have some water close-by because the fiery comments left by some of her readers will leave you gasping for breath. LOL

(5) 9ja FOODIE - If she was a musician, I would be her groupie. No lie. Her passion for food really shines through

(6) GINGER - Always something interesting to read. I am loving her 'This is Oyinboland' series. Her inquisitive mind will take her far.

(7) JOXY - A brave woman who knows how to make lemonade when handed lemons. Read and find out what I mean...............................

(8) NEWLYWED - I must admit that when I first came across this blog I thought it was going to be full of mushy-mushy stuff i.e. 'Day 1 - I love him'...........;'Day 2 - I still love him.........;'Day 3 - He loves me more' etc. LOL However, she has proven to be a brave writer. Her posts on 'Uterine Fibroids' are a must read for black women

(9) GBEMI - It is very rare to meet someone who is not afraid to say 'I am talented and I know it' - while still sharing her vulnerability with us all. Talented and sweet. My only issue with her right now is I need to see more of her designs.....!

(10) ADURA - A restless creative. I always feel like she's got so much bubbling in her head - and if not for societal constraints - she would be one of those hippy creatives writing all day. LOL.

(11) PRISM - I think of her as a creative onion - artist, writer, budding fashion designer ....... So many layers around a really warm heart.

(12) BLESSING - A young woman who is finding her way through life and has allowed us share her journey. Thank you

(13) KITKAT - A young voice with a lot to say. I like her sense of humour. Even though I know she hates the word 'cute'...I think she IS cute.

(14) SIS YEMMIE - Really funny and refreshing. She always makes me laugh

(15) THE CORNER SHOP - This blog features small scale Naija entrepreneurs. Great to see Naija peeps doing 'tings' despite PHCN, no bank loans etc etc

(16) ILOLA - My fiesty Christain who gives as good as she gets.

(17) STING - The name says it all. Not one to back away from a fight. LOL

(18) ANGELS' BEAUTY - Like Blessing, I feel like I am privy to her life journey. Bon voyage

(19) NUTRITIONALERT - A very informative health and nutrition site. It would be interesting to see a 9ja Foodie and Nutritionalert collaboration..........mmmmm *stroking my chin*

(20) PET - Funny and lively...the only human being I know who eats plantain and bread ! LOL

(21) HONEYDAME - Totally free-style and funny - like laughing gas on a rollercoaster. LOL

(22) CHIZZY D - Young Christain adventurer. It'll be interesting to what she discovers

(23) IBILUV - Unashamedly saucy and naughty. I like to call her blog a 'tourist destination'. Sneak there at least once......I promise I wont tell. LOL

(24) DOYIN - Christain messages peppered with humour

(25) NGO - Interesting to see Naija through the eyes of someone who is discovering more about the country.

(26) VICKII - Great baking recipes accompanied by lovely posts.

(27) LUFFA - Thought provoking and insightful. A great read everytime

(28) LASHES - An accountant who is witty and expressive..doesn't come around often. LOL

(29) BOMA - A fashion blog that doesn't bore me

(30) GUYS who provide a refreshing male point of view: GBENGA, TOBI, T-NOTES, STRONG, EMEKA,

Disclaimer: If I have failed to mention yours, please forgive me and direct your anger at whoever is closest to you right now. LOL. Seriously though, I mean no offence

Questioning old words....

2011-06-16T02:29:00.005+01:00

I was speaking to a friend the other day and we started talking about how the saying 'Blood is thicker than water' doesn't apply all the time. This is because friends can sometimes be more reliable than blood relatives.

Well, dreamer that I am, this conversation got me thinking about some old common English sayings and how I now question them:

(1) 'A Jack of all trades is master of none'

My take: Not any more. With the way the global economy is right now...one cannot rely on only one skill.
There is nothing wrong with multi-tasking because one always has something to fall back on.
In today's world...A jack of ONE trade is likely to be JOB (Just Over Broke) !

(2) 'A friend in need is a friend indeed'
My take: Some 'friends' are always in need - Does that mean they are my real friends? Indeed, if one has to go by this saying.......a demanding friend who leeches - and is constantly coming back for more help - off you should be your truest friend?

(3) 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush'

My take: It depends on the quality of the 'bird'. If I have one scrawny pigeon in my hand and I know there are two fat hens in the bush..................I rather get rid of the scrawny pigeon and go after the two fat hens.
Just thinking of how those hens will taste with jollof rice will be a great incentive. LOL

(4) 'Business before Pleasure'

My take: One should aim for a business that gives us pleasure because the passion you feel will propel you to greater heights.
Why make life hard for yourself? ..........Make money off whatever gives you pleasure...........em........Clean stuff only though. LOL

(5) 'An idle brain is the devil’s workshop'

My take: Sometimes one has to be idle to be able to reassess life and determine the way forward. Being busy can be counter-productive sometimes. For example, the daily routine of rushing to work in the morning and then rushing back home - at the end of the day - can leave one so exhausted that one is unable to take a step back and ask: Is this the right job for me? Idleness can be very productive.....so long as it's temporary though *smile*

(6) 'Honesty is the best policy'
My take: Dishonesty can be neccessary sometimes. I try to be honest at all times .........BUT.........As a rule, I will not tell a friend if I know their partner is cheating on them (I prefer to speak to the partner)..... I will not also tell a friend they have an ugly baby..........
Again, I will never tell a child they are awful at something they are trying hard to do i.e. football, drawing etc. I prefer to point out ways they could improve ! LOL
You could say my I can be dishonest to be kind when it involves emotions and children

(7) 'The more the merrier'

My take: Not all the time. When I was at uni, some girls moved around in large groups with the result that any guy who was interested in any of them, had to gain the approval of ALL of them.

In most cases, the guy had to buy stuff for all of them, try to be nice to all of them etc - so they can put in a good word for him.

Unfortunately, there were cases where a guy was interested in one girl and another girl was secretly fancying him. The result - the secret admirer would be very negative about the guy - discouraging the admired girl. So many girls lost out this way. The only thing I can think of that brings merriment as it multiplies - is money.

(8) 'Let sleeping dogs lie'

My take: Like I mentioned sometime ago - My father always used to say that 'If two friend never quarrel, one is cheating the other'. That is why I believe it is not always good to let sleeping dogs lie. Some issues need to be addressed once and for all - or someone will definitely remain cheated.

(9) 'The end justifies the means'

My take: I guess this is what Naija politicians tell themselves before proceeding to loot and pillage???
I disagree with this saying becomes I believe in Karma - whatever you reap, you shall sow.

(10) 'Two Heads are Better Than One'
My take: Totally disagree because it depends on the quality of the OTHER head LOL
If I wanted to find out more about a research topic, I'd ask a University Professor. However, if I want to find out where the best tailor in town was..........my guess is that Prof is not likely to know.

So,
Do let me know any English saying that doesnt make sense to you anymore.................
xoxoxo

A Few Rants

2011-06-12T22:17:00.001+01:00

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

Why do people make a lot of noise about children back in Nigeria being better behaved?

I beg to differ because I have come across so many Naija children visiting the UK from Nigeria - who do not have basic manners. Just to simply open their mouths and say - 'Good morning' or 'Good afternoon' seems to be too much effort. If this happened to me only once, I would say this was a one off. However, I have met several children like this. What is going on?

Only recently three children visited us. After eating, they left their plates on the table - expecting me to tidy up after them. Again, when they finished eating popcorn, they left my living room trashed. Their mum acted as if nothing was happening. I was DISGUSTED. So, you can imagine my surprise when - after they got back to Nigeria - the mother called my hubby to say they (herself and her husband) were thinking of sending their eldest to a London university - and whether the boy could stay with us. I calmly told my husband 'God forbid !!!..........Even if I am paid to host him, I rather starve!!!!

While I don't agree with the old school style of 'authoritarian/ restrictive parenting; I do appreciate the fact that one of the first things our parents taught us was to always greet elders and visitors. Is this now old-fashioned?

Source: http://portal.unesco.org/en/

Why are some women so caught up with this weave-or-no-weave argument?

Whether you wear a weave or not does not change the fact that people are dying from hunger and war OR that people are struggling to eat or feed their family. Some women wear fake tans, others fake nails, others get plastic surgery. I don't think it is an issue. Basically, live and let live.

The fact that you have natural hair does not make you more African than the lady with weave. If you truly want to fly the flag for Africa, please make sure you don't wear any 'western type clothing' - jeans included; hand over your UK/US etc passport and return 'home'; do not use any foreign cosmetics and please, please, please do not speak English !

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

Do a lot of parents not realise they have to vet the TV channels their kids watch ?

I cannot count the number of times I have asked a child (aged 6-12 years) what their favourite channel is. Only for them to say 'MTV Base'. I'm sorry, but I have to say that MTV Base is not for children.

Some of the musical videos can only be classed as 'soft-porn'. Little minds are shaped by what they see and hear. If a child watches videos of half-naked women gyrating everyday, he is likely to think that is the way women should behave - and that women are only good for sex. MTV Base and musical videos are not ideal viewing for children. Unfortunately, it seems some parents confuse stupidity for enlightenment..

Source: http://nigerianchannel.com/blog/

Why do so many Nollywood movies now have ridiculous plots and cringe worthy acting ?

When the film 'Living in Bondage' came out in 1992, I was particularly impressed because - as a movie lover - it was great to see an indigenous movie that delivered a credible story line with a strong moral message. However, as much as I like to be patriotic, I have to say that most Naija movies - especially those in English - just do not make sense any more.

I am not a very fluent speaker of the Yoruba language but I now choose to watch mainly Yoruba films -because they usually end with a strong moral message. It sems the ones in English are so focused on filming opulent houses, half-dressed girls, flashy cars and fake American/ British accents - to even bother with a story line. By the way, where do the accents come from. My friends, I have lived in the UK for over 15 years and my accent is still 100% Naija. No even try my Pidgin. LOL

Recently, I watched a fantastic Bollywood film - 'My Name is Khan'. This film took approximately £1 million in the weekend it opened in the UK. Similarly, in the US, it took £1.4 million over the four-day holiday weekend it opened there. These figures only go to show that if one makes a good film and uses a credible film distributor, the sky is the limit. Nollywood (English speaking especially)....abeg, make una wake up oh. I am sick of trying to make sense of your movies.

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

Why do some people think 'It shall be well' is an answer to every problem?

I am a very optimistic person and as a Christian, my faith enables me hope that things will always improve. However, there are occasions that one has to create a clear distinction between food for the mind, food for the body and food for the soul.

Examples of three people that might seek one's help:
(1) A single mother comes to you and says she has lost her job and does not know how she will cope with her rent, her child, feeding etc. She is really down and confused

(2) A lady comes to you and says she is confused about her faith. She attends a church which is quite vibrant, however, she has increasingly become disillusioned with the church as she has now found out that a lot of the elders are not practising what they preach

(3) A young man comes up to you and says that he is depressed because he is sick of his job. He wants to go back to university to retrain but he is scared because he now has a young family to take care of.

I'm sure you'll agree that these are three different scenarios. Different needs, different circumstances. However, quite a lot of Naija peeps will answer all these queries with ..................'It shall be well'.

A lot of us use religion as a replacement for common sense. A hungry man does not need a Bible passage. Feed him first before you start preaching. Sometimes, what a depressed/ worried/ lost person needs is support and love first. Start with that .........before you start bombarding them with inspirational quotes and Bible passages.

PHEW...................Was that too much of a rant? LOL
If you are still with me, do let me know your thoughts on anything I touched on.......OR....let me know what has been making you ranty recently.

Have a blessed week
xoxoxoxox

Romantic Relationships: Lessons Learnt (pt. 2)

2011-06-09T00:16:00.003+01:00

Thank you for all your comments and feedback since I posted Part I. Before I begin part 2, here is my disclaimer again:

The opinions expressed here are solely based on personal experience and do not in any way pretend to be the definitive, all-encompassing truth about all relationships.

Now, with regards to romantic relationships, here are the final 4 lessons I have learnt so far:

(4) FINANCIAL STUPIDITY CAN BE FATAL

I always hear people say 'Money is the root of all evil'. I beg to amend this by saying - 'MISUSE of money is the root of all evil'. To me, money is a useful thing to have - because it can help one take care of certain challenges. However, most people underestimate how important financial common sense can be to the sustainability of any romantic relationship. Partners seem to avoid talking about money and this does not make sense.
Will you get into a car with an inexperienced driver? OR Get into a plane with a visibly drunk pilot. I assume NOT. However, I see those situations as similar to instances where a financially savvy person enters into a relationship with a financially stupid person.

Even if you love someone with all your heart, with time, it can get a bit tiring if the person is a LEECH or a SPENDRIFT or a MISER.

An example please:

Mary met Nonso at a London event. Although she was earning more than him when they started dating, she didn't mind that he couldn't buy her nice things or take her to special places. Mary was a great believer in 'investing time and effort in people' - and she felt that - apart from being broke all the time Nonso was a great boyfriend.

While some of her friends felt Nonso was a bit selfish, she believed that he would 'spoil her' in future. She was happy to buy him gifts, she was happy to help him out from time to time, she was even happy to contribute to his air fare whenever he wanted to go back to Nigeria to see his aged parents.

Her friends were not convinced his intentions were genuine and it got to a stage where Mary bought her own birthday presents and passed them off as from Nonso - just to keep her friends quiet. She even considered relocating from London to Manchester - to be with him because she wanted them to set up home together.

Long story short, after waiting 5 years for Nonso to propose - and for her 'investment' to pay off; she found out that he had been secretly dating a girl in Nigeria. How did she find out? ............Well, last November, Mary's close friend (Cha-Cha) went home to Enugu. While there, Cha-Cha's cousins dragged her to an engagement party in Nsukka. When Cha-Cha got there..........................she discovered the party was actually Nonso's - He was celebrating his engagement to his Naija based girl friend !

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a man MUST shower a girl with presents etc to prove his love - or vice versa. However, I believe that no matter how poor you are if you really love someone, YOU MUST DO YOUR BEST TO SHOW IT. Buy whatever you can afford, spend whatever you can afford BUT DO SOMETHING.

Financial stupidity comes in many forms:

- An inability to save

- An inability to control spending

- An inability to invest a single penny on one's partner/ home/ family

- An inability to plan - financially - for one's future

This kind of stupidity is especially harmful - when it involves another person's life/ emotions. Yes, financial stupidity can truly kill love, murder affection and strangle respect.

(5) PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION

One of my favourite passages ffrom the Bible is Matthew 7:6

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces'

While this passage relates to faith, the message is also a warning that one should not give something precious to those who do not value it. In a relationship, one must remember that PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION. Some people value gold, others beads. Some cars, others property. Some value company, others solitude. What one defines as 'precious' differs from person to person.

I cannot count the number of times I have heard a girl complain...'He used me. He was the first man I ever slept with and he dumped me' Yes, I do accept that your virginity is a precious asset. However, I must remind you that it is only precious to YOU. If you decide to lose it to someone, do bear in mind that that 'special moment' MIGHT just be just another quickie to him.

Again, I have heard men complain that a girlfriend/ wife does not respect their 'precious' mother and they are not willing to accept that. In an ideal world, the mother-in-law and wife/girlfriend would meet for the first time and immediately bond because they have a common object of affection - the son. However, we must bear in mind that this 'special mother' is only special to the son. Her value might become evident to the girlfriend/wife with time...not immediately...but with time.

So, the man must understand that it might take time for these two women to bond....if they ever do. Until they do, it is the man's duty to protect his partner - advising her on what the mum likes/ dislikes. It is also his duty to make his mother aware that his partner has his best interest at heart - while still reassuring his mum that her place in his heart remains.

Yes, 'precious' is personal. Just because you have always placed great value on acquiring a PhD, dont assume your husband will automatically share your dream. Just because you feel a retirement home in Nigeria is an ultimate goal, dont assume your wife will automatically have the same dream.

A long term romantic relationship can be compared to a debate - you often have to convince the other party that you have a valid argument. With love and patience, PRECIOUS WILL BECOME A SHARED DEFINITION.

(6) CHOOSE YOUR THREESOMES CAREFULLY

Not THAT KIND of threesome........you naughty person *cheeky smile*

I refer to any person you let into your relationship. A lot of women have a habit of discussing their relationship problems with friends and family members.

It is important to remember that most people are not honest about what goes on behind closed doors: I had a very good friend - lets call her Mugu - who had been married for just over a year. She always shared her marital problems with all her friends - It was always one thing or the other. However, her biggest grievance against her husband was that he was always out with his friends. Every Friday and Saturday night he could be found in his favourite Naija bar in South East London. Whenever she complained to her friends, one of them in particular - Amy - was always telling her 'If it were me, I will do this or that' OR 'Do not to take rubbish' OR 'Put your foot down' OR 'Show your husband who is boss'....... .. Anyway, one day, Amy advised Mugu to drive to this bar and embarass the man. Mugu did so and her husband was mad. He felt this was the ultimate insult - especially as his friends witnessed his wife accosting him so publicly. When he got home, the husband demanded an apology and Mugu refused. He then proceeded to pack up a bag and drive to his best friend's house - where he stayed for the next one month. During that period, Mugu became worried that her marriage was over and spoke to Amy. Amy advised her to stand her ground. What happened.........was that apparently, as a very good friend, Amy started visiting Mugu's husband in the office - to 'console' him - and after some time, she started 'consoling' him with sex !
Indeed, whenever you open your mouth to discuss your relationship with another person, you must remember that you now have a third person in the relationship. A threesome must be mutually beneficial and it must not disturb the dynamics of the relationship. Comparing a partner to another is a recipe for disaster.

Personally, I prefer discussing such issues with acquintances that are oustide my usual circle of friends OR with much older people. Remember that people are not likely to be honest about their own relationship. Shine your eye no be curse.

(7) BURNT BRIDGES MIGHT HAUNT YOU

English saying: ''Don't burn your bridges behind you" - means always leave people in good terms as you never know when you might meet them again
Love is intoxicating and the beginnings of a love affair or a strong sexual relationship can be fraught with silly mistakes that come back to haunt one. An example please:
Donald, a Nigerian, met Sophie - a white American girl - when he went over to the US to start a new life. When they met, Donald was a security guard at a local supermarket and Sophie was also working there as a cashier. They both fell in love and eventually moved in together. Intoxicated by love and the fact that he was now in the US, Donald could often be heard dissing his origins with negative statements like:
'Nigeria is a jungle, I can never live there' OR 'Nothing good ever comes from Nigeria'
'Black girls are a waste of space' OR 'Black people cannot lead themselves' OR 'Nigeria is a filthy place'

Over time, Sophie and Donald had two boys. As the boys grew up, Donald wanted them to know more about Nigeria so when he finally got his papers regularised - and he could now travel to Nigeria, he suggested that they visit Nigeria to see where he came from - especially as his parents were getting old . His wife's reaction - 'ABSOLUTELY NOT !' All she had heard about Nigeria was negatives. How could she trust that her children would be safe?

People burn their bridges in different ways:
- Some cut off their friends because they feel their new love is more important
- Some pull away from their family members because their family's modest means might be 'embarrassing' when compared to the wealth of their new lover's family
- Some turn their back on their origins because it is not 'cool' enough.....

Believe me, such actions always haunt you later. We are who we are. If you deny something that is part of you, that thing will deny you one day. Honesty between couples makes life so much easier.

SO,
These are the 7 main lessons i have learnt about romantic relationships - so far. Of course there are many more, but I have to be brief. The truth is that men and women are fundamentally different so it takes hard work for any couple to unify their shared goals and dreams. I grew up in a house full of girls - and I now have only sons so I can officially confirm that boys/men are quite different from girls.

Now consider this - a romantic relationship between two people involves bringing together two people with different childhoods, different life experiences, different values and maybe even differing beliefs. Considering how difficult it is for siblings to live together without fighting from time to time.....one must understand that romantic relationships have a lot of differences to contend with. Why do some work? Because real love can be a great overcomer.

A house divided against itself cannot and will not stand. It can never withstand the test of time. A couple have to disagree to agree. However, they MUST respect each other and put each other first.

I pray that each of my sons will find a loving partner someday because life is too hard and complicated for someone to go through it alone. Real love and happiness are worth more than all the gold in the world and if one is blessed with good health also......nobody can hold one back.

I wish you all the same - good health, real love and happiness. Do let me know your own lessons you have learnt about love. xoxoxo

PS - I just realised that its past midnight here. Apologies to UK peeps that I posted late. I'm on US time *smile*

Romantic Relationships: Lessons Learnt (pt. 1)

2011-06-05T16:13:00.006+01:00

Since I started this blog, I have received interesting emails from readers. Thank you.

Most of these email have been relationship related, with questions like - ‘How does one keep a marriage fresh?’............ ‘How does one continue to pursue one's dreams despite the distractions that come with marriage and family life?'.......................'How does one deal with belligerent in-laws?’............'How does one cope with childlessness?'............ etc etc

I have often replied these questions as best as I can – based on personal experience. However, I do feel that it would be a good idea to share what I have learnt about romantic relationships so far.

Before I do this, I would like to issue a disclaimer – The opinions expressed here are solely based on personal experience and do not in any way pretend to be the definitive, all-encompassing truth about all relationships.

So, here are the seven things I have learnt about romantic relationships so far:

1. (1) NEVER UNDERESTIMATE YOUR PARTNER

I have come across so many instances where someone has cheated with a person considered to be ‘beneath/ less than/ inferior to‘ his/her partner. The case of Arnold Shwarznegger illustrates this best: Married to a woman who hails from one of America’s political dynasties, he chose to father a child with his domestic help and then keep this a secret from his wife – for over ten years.

Sad to say, my personal experience is that this is a common occurrence in Nigeria - where I have seen so many male relatives/ family friends do same.

However, this kind of behaviour is not exclusive to men. I know of a successful business man who only found out that 3 of his 7 kids were not his, after 15 years of marriage. He only found out by chance - when they all had to take medical tests because one of the children had a kidney complaint.

Basically, NEVER take your partner for granted. 'Body no be firewood'....If you feel that you are too good or smart for your partner, you might be shocked to find out that s/he thinks the same. Indeed, as a starving person will not wait for a well cooked meal, that is how a frustrated/ restless/ dissatisfied partner might choose to find comfort elsewhere. As my people say.....'Dirty water dey quench fire'

(2) LOVE MIGHT FLOUNDER*...........BUT RESPECT SHOULD NOT

(*Flounder = to struggle)

From personal experience - and that of my friends - love is not a constant. Sometimes one is overwhelmed by the love one feels for a partner. Other times - especially when you argue - you wonder how you could ever love them.

This is totally normal. My father once said - 'If two friends NEVER quarrel, one of them is cheating the other'. Same with marriage, disagreements must arise.

Love may flounder, however respect should be a constant. A family friend of ours tolerated her lazy and selfish husband for over ten years. Even though she was earning more than him, she respected him, operated a joint bank account and consulted him every time she had to make a financial decision. She is one of the most frugal women I have ever known. However, one day, she found receipts for expensive dinners (for two), and hotel rooms. This gave her a clue that he was lavishing money on women outside. Her fears were finally confirmed the day she discovered that he had a secret bank account/ credit card. That was the day she lost respect for him and decided the marriage was over.

Yes, love might flourish and flounder....but the day respect flounders, is the day the camel's back will definitely be broken.

(3) ONE CANNOT CHANGE AN UNWILLING ADULT

Two scenarios:

I - Obi met Lisa at a party. She was the girl every man wanted. Her silk jumpsuit clung to all her curves and no-one was left in any doubt that her body could rival Beyonce's anyday. Obi started dating Lisa and he loved the fact that she was always lively, up for a party and extremely confident. He also liked the fact that she had lots of friends and she was always busy - so she was different from his previous girlfriends who had always been clingy and needy. It didn't matter that she wasn't keen on domestic stuff - he wanted an equal partner.

II - Andy first noticed Boyo at his sister's wedding. She wasn't the most beautiful girl there but she was by far the nicest. Despite the fact that she was running around - trying to cater to guests and the bride, at the same time - she always had a lovely smile on her face.

Andy couldn't stop staring at her ...she seemed familiar but he couldnt place the face. After asking around, he discovered that this was 'Little Boyo' - his little sister's friend who used to come to their house with plaited hair, school uniform and socks. She sure had blossomed into a graceful woman. Long story short, he asked her out because she was the epitome of what he felt a good girl should be - respectful, demure, conservative, studious and quiet. A welcome change to all the gold-diggers he had dated in the past.

Well, both couples eventually got married.

Present day - Obi is getting fed up with Lisa's love of parties and her lack of domestic skills. Matters were made worse when Obi's mother came over to London for a visit and a busy Lisa served her Jollof rice she bought from their local Nigerian restaurant. Another worry for Obi is that quite a few of Lisa's friends have remained unmarried and he questions their influence on his wife. Lisa's response - 'This is me...take it or leave it'

As for Andy, his job - as a Corporate solicitor - means he attends cocktail parties and entertains clients, to network. However, Boyo doesn't enjoy such functions and often opts out. She prefers to stay at home with the kids or attend church functions. Her response - 'My reserved nature is what you loved when you met me.....why do you expect me to change?'

Indeed, one CANNOT change an UNWILLING adult - persistent attempts will only end in tears. I'm sure you've heard of the saying 'You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink........ .......?!

To Be Continued - I will post part 2 on Wednesday (08/06/11).

In the meantime, do let me know what you think about these first three observations.

Have a peaceful week.

ALL PICS FROM: http://www.fotosearch.com/

General Housekeeping

2011-06-04T18:17:00.003+01:00

This is just a quick post to say that I have made some changes to my blog title etc

I keep on getting emails asking whether I am the Naijamum / 9jamom who said this or the other - so I wish to make things simpler by using the acronym N.I.L (Naijamum in London)

Hope this clarifies things

Back soon
xoxoxoxo

Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal

2011-05-30T02:15:00.009+01:00

I was tidying up today and I came across a bunch of old pictures I had kept aside to be organised later. These pictures dated back to when my first son was born - over a decade ago

Needless to say, I got distracted and I started going through all the pictures - Before I knew it, I was weeping silently.

I wept because I realised one thing - IT HAS NOT ALWAYS BEEN EASY..... BUT IT HAS BEEN.

Let me explain....:

There have been times when the kids have needed something and we have not been sure if we would be able to deliver. Such challenges could have distracted us from doing the right thing. However, by the grace of God, with good health and hard work, we delivered. It was not easy.....but it came to be.

There have been times when there have been so many commitments. Such challenges could have distracted one from the dreams one had for our home. However, with perseverance and God's blessings, we have delivered. It was not easy but it came to be

There have been times when ill-health have shaken the foundation we sought to build..We felt besieged and afraid as were almost distracted from our personal and professional dreams. However, with prayers and support from close ones, we recovered. It was not easy but it came to be

How easy is it to throw your hands up in the air and give up on life, friends, family and dreams? So easy....but we don't because we have hope that things will get better. The irony of life is that even when we are at death's door...we are still works in progress....still seeking perfection. WE ALL HANG ON TO HOPE !

Yes, as I looked at my kid's old pictures, I shed tears because it would have been so easy to have overlooked key milestones and said 'It doesn't matter'. However, when I look back, I now see that every struggle, sacrifice and effort was worth it. How can I tell?.............because I cannot go back in time and change anything.

One quote that I love is Rose Tremain's "Life is not a dress rehearsal." Whatever is worth doing - is worth doing well.

The video below is one of my all time favourites - 'REM's 'Everybody Hurts'. If you are hurting right now, please hang on. If someone you know is hurting...please help them hang on.....Hang on to life and hope !

Have a blessed week
xoxoxoxoxo

In My Bag

2011-05-28T18:35:00.008+01:00

Sis Yemmie tagged me in a bag meme. This involves taking a picture of my bag and all its contents.

This woman sef. I just thank my lucky stars that I have a designer bag or I would have died from shame. LOL

Anyway, here is a picture of my bag and all its valuable contents:

As you can see, this designer bag is a 'Buzz Lightyear' bag from the film 'Toy Story 3'

The contents:

(1) Disposable Spoon and Fork

(2) Drinking Straw

(3) Bottle Opener

(4) Serviette

(5) Toothpick

These items are in my bag because I like food and I aim to be always prepared - just in case I 'jam' free food.

LOL....Just kidding guys, That's my son's school lunch bag !

Here is a pic of my real bag:

The contents:

(Left to Right)

- Large Notebook: I use this for work-related stuff i.e. jotting down tasks, key info at work. I know a lot of people like using Windows Outlook to record tasks but I'm not a fan - because I like writing a daily list of work tasks and then smugly striking off whatever I've done. I also dont like the constant reminders you get from Outlook. It can be distracting when you are in the middle of something else.

- Smaller Notebook: I use this for personal notes i.e. ideas for research, this blog or poetry drafts

- Sunglasses: As soon as I see a single ray of sunshine I put them on. LOL. Na one life oh....you have to rock that swagga.....any way, any day !

- Wallet: Loads of stuff in here...Old reciepts, Bank cards, Store cards ....little cash

- Novel: Adam Hochschild's 'King Leopold's Ghost' is about the exploitation of the Congo Free State between 1885 - 1908. It explores the atrocities committed by European colonial rulers in Africa. It is not an easy read at all. However, I am a firm believer in knowing more about the past because it often affects the present. As Bob Marley sang in Buffalo Soldier:

''If you know your history,
Then you would know where you coming from,
Then you wouldn't have to ask me,
Who the 'eck do I think I am''

- Hand Cream

- Hand Sanitizer: This is an atiseptic alcohol rub - that I use when I am out and about in town. Particularly if I've been on public transport/ have used public bathrooms

- Red USB: For work stuff

- Black USB: For Personal Stuff

- Pens

- Pocket Tissues

- Packs of Dried Mango and Plaintain Chips: I always have some nibbles in my bag because I often dont have time for breakfast and I want to avoid buying junk

- Bottle of Water: I try to have some water on me because you can never tell when you will be stuck on a train mid-journey

- Phone

- Keys

- Comb

- Oyster Card: For travelling around London

- Trident Chewing Gum: For freshening my breath

- Make up Bag

- Umbrella: In the UK, rain is never far away

Well, I dont know what my bag says about me. What do you think??

I'm now tagging the following people:

Ibhade
Ope Adebayo
Lady Ngo

Angel's Beauty
Enybee

If I failed to tag you please forgive me......However, do let me know what you think my bag says about me !

Have a fab weekend

xoxoxooxoxox

Celebrating Food

2011-05-25T11:22:00.007+01:00

When I was growing up, I hated cooking because it was sooo tedious.

Every time I was told the cook, I knew that the whole process would be bogged down by unnecessary stress. Either one had to contend with erratic power supply (meaning blending cooking ingredients by hand) OR one had to deal with scarcity of cooking gas (meaning one had to use the kerosene stove) OR one had to go through the laborious process of boiling meat, chopping vegetables, washing beans, peeling yam, chopping vicious onions, chopping hot pepper (ata rodo) while trying to avoid the Major General (my mum) who was quick to point out any culinary mistakes.

Woe betide you if my mum was cooking and you were somewhere else ..mmm...Who born monkey ! She was constantly reminding me that I had to learn how to cook OR ELSE...........LOL

Needless to say, I avoided cooking whenever I could. I was relieved when I left for university as this meant that chore was now done with. However, after graduating from uni, moving to Lagos and living alone in my own little flat; I began to appreciate cooking as a skill. Maybe this was because it was done on my own terms and at my own pace. I could cook whatever I liked, whenever I felt like and however I felt like doing so. I then began to realise that being able to cook not only saved you money, it also meant you were in control of the quality of what went into your mouth - and body. It also meant that you could bring people together.

Food has a special significance for me. If a friend is celebrating, mourning, happy, sad, excited, overwhelmed......my first instinct is to make something nice and take it round to them. Food brings people together. Indeed, a clear sign that a stranger has been accepted is when his/her neighbours invite him/her round for a meal. Again, a giving person is more likely to share a meal with you or even share a recipe with you.

I now love cooking and despite our differences, I always give kudos to my mum for teaching us how to cook. Not only cook ...but cook well. Since I started blogging, I have come across several fantastic food bloggers - all on my blogroll.

However, one in particular has impressed me - with her attention to detail, consistency, presentation skills and passion for food. Indeed, she has motivated me to start trying new recipes. For example, her Puff Puff recipe was given to me upon request and I have to say it was so easy to follow. Same with her Moi Moi recipe.

This post is dedicated to 9ja Foodie - a blogger who consistently delivers. What is even more amazing about her is that she has proper recipes - as in measurements and stuff. Haba! I HAIL YOU OH!!!!

Here are a couple of meals I've prepared over the past few months...Enjoy...........:

FRIED RICE AND ASSORTED MEAT STEW

MEATPIE - NAIJA STYLE

DODO (FRIED PLANTAIN), BLACK EYE BEANS AND FLAKED FISH SALSA

DODO, ROAST PARSNIPS, ROAST CHICKEN, JOLLOF RICE, ROAST DUCK, MEATPIE,
AND ASSORTED MEAT STEW

SEAFOOD STIRFRY, SALMON WITH SOY SAUCE, RICE AND DODO

MOI MOI IN PLANTAIN LEAF - 9JA FOODIE RECIPE

LEMON DRIZZLE CAKE

MOIST CHOCOLATE SPONGE CAKE

SLICES OF CHOCOLATE AND LEMON DRIZZLE CAKE WITH CUSTARD

HOT PEPPER SAUCE WITH GOAT MEAT AND DODO

TILAPIA FISH WITH EFO RIRO AND STEWED BEEF

JOLLOF RICE, BAKED CHICKEN AND MIXED SALAD

POUNDED YAM AND BANGA SOUP

HOME MADE BEEF BURGER, OVEN BAKED CHIPS AND KETCHUP

RICE WITH HOT PEPPER STEW, ASSORTED MEAT AND DODO

PUFF PUFF - 9JA FOODIE RECIPE

MIXED SEAFOOD, NOODLES AND OYSTER SAUCE STIRFRY

RICE WRAPPED IN PLANTAIN LEAF WITH OXTAIL STEW AND DODO

SPINACH STEW WITH PRAWNS, COLEY FISH AND POMO

PS- I meant to take more pictures but sometimes I was too hungry to get the camera LOL

Women Who Know Their Place

2011-05-16T14:19:00.006+01:00

Apologies for my long absence .....again ! Thanks to the luvvlies who asked after me - especially Prism and Gbemi. I really appreciate this......(If I ommitted your name, I owe you lunch *smile) !

To get things started, here's an old joke I heard again today:

Women who Know Their Place:

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, “LAND MINES !”

LOL. I'll be back soon..... Do have a good week xoxoxoxox

Subtle Racism

2011-05-01T10:54:00.015+01:00

It's no news that Donald Trump has questioned Obama's birth

To me, this is just an example of 'subtle racism'...Not the type that shouts out 'NIG*ER' at a passing black man, but the type that........................:

- Questions a black man's right to move into an all-white neighbourhood
- Writes petitions as soon as a black man is appointed to a senior position
- Funds private investigators to find evidence - any - of inappropriate dealings as soon as a black business man becomes successful
- Incites resistance and disobedience - among fellow workers - as soon as a black man becomes a manager in the workplace
- Smiles at the school gates but warns their children to avoid yours
- Moves to another church as soon as a black family starts attending the same church.........................

Yes indeed, make no mistake - This is racism.

Trump questioned Obama's birthplace - now he questions his school grades. I wonder why he doesn't just come out and say 'I do not think a black man is fit to be president.' ? At least, we would all know exactly where he stands.

If Trump the Chump was not such a pathetic figure, I would be sad. However, I find him - along with most racists - comical !

Whenever my sons have told me about a racist comment/ encounter; I have always told them that the best way to overcome such comments is to do better than the racists. The best way to silence your critics is to outperform them. Score higher, Be smarter, Be more confident......Be Strong !

Obama is a living example of this.

Please watch his response to Trump:

or if you cant access the video, click HERE !

Classic ! Never get mad - get EVEN
xoxoxoxoxo

PS - Obama confirmed today (2nd May 2011) that Osama bin Laden has been 'kaputed' by US Navy Seals. I wonder what Trump has to say about that.....mmmm !

Existing or Living?

2011-04-29T13:07:00.006+01:00

I'm sure you have heard that there is a wedding going on?

Source: www.bbc.co.uk

Yes, Prince William got married to Catherine Middleton today.

I watched a bit of it this morning and I was overwhelmed by how sad I felt.

Sad? Yes sad, because I recalled watching his mother getting married in 1981. I recall thinking how young and happy she looked - and wondering what it must feel like to get married with all that pomp and splendour.

http://www.harpersbazaar.com/

Today, her first son is getting married and all I could think about is that SHE is not there.

*Deep sigh*

Anyway, this post is not a sad post. This is a celebration of the fact that we are alive.

In the short time that Diana lived, she left her mark - as a loving mother, as a fashionista, as a campaigner, as a woman who could not and would not be ignored

Whatever you are doing, whoever you are, whoever you are with......Leave a mark.

You don''t know how long you have on this earth....You don't know how long your loved ones have on this earth...DONT JUST EXIST...............LIVE!!!

As Oscar Wilde said 'It is better to be talked about, than to never be talked about'

A Forced Marriage ?

2011-04-26T03:02:00.007+01:00

My mind has been dwelling on how much effort goes into raising a child. From the moment a baby is conceived, all the mother's thoughts and plans revolve around the child - What foods to eat or avoid; What items to buy for the baby; How one will cope with childbirth....and so on.

These thoughts and preparations never end. Indeed, with the birth of each child, one realises that parenthood is another name for 'worry'. One worries about everything - from the mundane to the extraordinary:

One worries about their development - are they walking, talking .....?
One worries about their schooling - is the school good, are they being bullied......?
One worries about their friends - are they good friends, are they a good influence on your kids.......?
One even worries about their future - will they succeed, will they be happy.......?

All this worrying is rooted in the feeling that as a parent, your job is to protect your child. While we pray to God that our children grow up safe, happy and healthy; most parents worry - not because they feel they can control everything in their child's life - but, because they wish to be sure that they are doing their best.

With this in mind.........I ask the question: How will the parents of the murdered Corpers feel right now?

All week I have seen news reports about slain Corpers and I have grieved deeply.

These are children that as babies - were suckled by mothers; as toddlers - were fed by loving parents; as teenagers - were counseled and guided by worrying, adoring relatives; and as young adults - were supported by proud parents who watched them graduate and enter into the job market. Starting with the first act of going off - as educated citizens of Nigeria - to Youth Service.

When they got there, some people decided that - because of politics - these children (someone's most precious assets) deserved to die.

Somewhere in Nigeria, parents are wailing as they look at baby pictures of sons and daughters that they had high hopes for.

Somewhere in Nigeria, mothers are crying because children they held to their bosoms and wished safe journey have now been killed in conditions that even a dog will be spared.

Sadly, these attacks have become the norm.

I recall in the nineties, I went to Maiduguri for my youth service. My guardians who were Igbo had lived there for over a decade and ran a successful restaurant. They appeared settled and content with numerous patrons and friends. However, the year after I left Maiduguri, they returned to the South - their restaurant had been burnt to the ground during one of those riots that targeted Southerners.

Twenty years on......we are still dealing with this. How can we call ourselves Nigerians if we are afraid to travel or stay in certain parts of 'our' country? How can we call our children to 'serve our fatherland' when the nation is torn with discord and rancour?

Political analysts and observers are quick to point out that Nigeria as a country is a colonial abberation - an abnormal collection of tribes and cultures that have little in common. The North - South divide serves as evidence of this.

Increasingly, I see Nigeria as a Forced Marriage - peoples with huge differences who are forcibly brought together and who remain together because of a common asset. In most marriages, this asset may be their shared home, children or finances. However, in Nigeria's case, this is oil.

Like all bad marriages....I now wonder if it is time to call it a day? Are the differences now standing in the way of real progress? Do we owe it to future generations to accept that this marriage is not working....and for the sake of peace - part ways and negotiate a feasible divorce settlement ?

Should we be thinking of a referendum to ask Nigerians the question - 'Should Nigeria be split into two?'

Do let me know what you think.....

PS:
Nigeriavillagesquare.com is sponsoring a petition for ALL youth corpers serving in these volatile states to......:
- Be withdrawn immediately, redeployed to other states of their choosing, or be excused for the rest of the service year.
- Be excused from serving as electoral officers in the upcoming governorship elections as we are not convinced that adequate and confirmed security can be provided for them.
AND for the identities of all youth corpers who lost their lives in this violence to be made public.

You can click here to sign the petition

Verbal Lashes (2)

2011-04-21T01:35:00.003+01:00

Sometime ago, I wrote about my love for Proverbs...Pidgin English proverbs to be specific

Well, after a lot of feedback and comments from readers and friends, I have compiled all the proverbs on a Blog page HERE

Do let me know if you have any more to add.

Many thanks
xoxoxoxox

The Coat of Shame

2011-04-15T20:56:00.004+01:00

This past week, several news items have resonated with me. These are the news items:

(1) A London based Nigerian lady being convicted of £1.3m fraud

(2) A UK Channel 4 report on Edo state showing how girls take oaths that tie them to a life of prostitution and servitude in Italy

(3) Ex-governor, James Ibori being extradicted to the UK to face allegations of diverting state funds to British banks

Each of these stories resonated with me because there is something about the people involved that I could identify with. This is because If you asked me to describe myself - my origins - I would say...
   - I'm a Nigerian woman from Edo state who now lives in London.

With stories like these, everything about my origins can often be tainted by negative preconceptions:
   From Nigeria?..............Must be a Fraudster!
   From Edo State?..........Must be a Prostitute !

Indeed, when people living abroad hear negative stories about Black people, Africans, Nigerians etc we feel saddened and the usual reaction is that they have somehow shamed 'us'

However, I am making a conscious decision to shed this 'coat of shame'.

Source: www.fotosearch.com

I am NOT responsible for the actions of 350 million plus people.

While it is fantastic to care about our fellow country men and worry about what they do/ do not do to portray a positive image of Nigeria; I will not be burdened by this. Life is too short to constantly be weighed down by things that are beyond one's control.

So, when a Non-Nigerian recently mentioned to me that he gets numerous emails from Nigerians - daily - offering him get-rich-quick opportunities.

I couldn't be bothered giving a diplomatic answer so my response was: 'And what do you want me to do about it...........?'

I am ONLY responsible for the actions of ME .....and my kids.

No more, no less.

A dedication

2011-04-02T20:39:00.006+01:00

Sunday 3rd April 2011 is Mothers' Day here

It's a day to thank and celebrate mothers. Thinking about this, I started wondering.....Can a woman be defined as a mother only if she has given birth? I think not......

My definition of a mother is a woman who nurtures, cares for and enables others around her grow

As someone who has experienced challenges in having children, I am extremely sensitive to excluding those among us who are not mothers

So, I choose to celebrate all the women who have been instrumental in making me a better and stronger person. For example, when I started blogging, I never expected to encounter so many articulate and intelligent women who make me proud to be a woman. Thank you fellow-bloggers.

The image below depicts one of the things I love about African motherhood - a mother carrying a child on her back . I dedicate this image - and my little poem below - to all the mothers (women who have supported, nurtured and 'carried' others in this life).

For all the times
I despaired
and you cared.
Thank you

For all the times
I wept
and you made me accept.
Thank you

For all the times
I was afraid
and you made my fears fade.
Thank you

                                           For all the times
                                           I felt helpless
                                           and you made me fearless.
                                            Thank you, thank you, thank you !

Happy Mothers' Day......................xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Mama Peace vs Papa Peace (Part 1)

2011-03-30T16:43:00.007+01:00

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

Pidgin version:

I no dey vex.....

but I don tire

and I wan rest

from your palaver.

Abeg come dey go !

Your own don too much......

you carri my own sister,

then you follow Dora from church;

and even give belle to our neighbour

Abeg come dey go !

Everyday I dey fast and pray.......

and pretend say I no see,

just make you for stay

so people no go laff me.

Abeg come dey go !

Your cup don full......

I don see say you no go change

and I don begin look like fool,

wey just dey manage.

Abeg come dey go !

E no easy to bear......

to separate no be small ting.

Five pickin and marriage of twenty year

na real big ting.

But, abeg come dey go !

But, come make I tell you one ting

before you go.

Out of all our five pickin

Na only Peace be your own.

NOW, come dey go !

English version:

I really am not vexed....

but I am fed up

and I want a rest

from all your trouble.

Please go !

You behaviour is a bit much...

You slept with my sister,

ravaged Dora from church

and then, impregnated our neighbour.

Please go !

Everyday I fast and pray....

and pretend that I am blind

to your sneaky ways

so I can save this sham marriage.

But, please go !

Your cup is truly full....

because I now see you are no gent

and I have begun to look like a fool

who accepts a man who will never repent.

Please go !

This is hard for me, yes ....

separation is not an easy decision.

Five children and twenty years

makes this moment grief-laden.

However, please go !

But, I must tell you one thing....

before you disappear into the blue.

Amongst our five offspring

Only Peace is really for you

Now, just go !

*Inspired by dysfunctional relationships*

Sneaking in.......and saying thanks..

2011-03-26T17:48:00.004Z

If you've ever tried sneaking in into a classroom, wedding or office late; you'll know how I feel right now.

I feel like I've been playing truant. Calling myself a blogger when I haven't even posted anything new in 24 days! Yes 24 days!!!

Oh...the shame!!!

And to make matters worse, I have been unashamedly visiting my fave blogs. Yup, if you are on my blog roll, I've been there ........reading, commenting and generally sighing at my laziness! To make myself feel better, I usually console myself by saying I have 'writer's block'! Hmph..that's a lie. I've been lazy - pure and simple *sneaky laugh*

Oh well, this is just to say: I have finally gathered enough energy to update my blog. I've even given it a facelift because spring is finally here!!!

So, my thanks to Pretty Lashes ; Adellemaria and Omobaadeteju for giving me the ONE LOVELY BLOG award. Thanks so much. I am especially honored because these lovely ladies are definietly women with good taste.....Yup, I can tell by the way they write!

Well, the award requires me to
              - Tell you seven facts about me you aren’t aware of
              - Pass the award to fifteen recently discovered blogs that I “really” like
              - Notify the lucky chums of their awards

......7 facts about me that you arent aware of:
(1) I find it hard to judge people because I have recieved unbelievable acts of kindness from people you would usually avoid. On the other hand, I have witnessed disgustingly hypocritical acts of wickedness from seemingly 'pious' people.

(2) I don't care whether any of my boys marry a non-Nigerian. I just pray that God blesses each of them with a woman whom they love (and who loves them back) - and a home that will be an oasis from the wicked world we live in.

(3) I think religion is over-complicated by human beings. A christain who does not respect his neighbours is not superior to an atheist who is committed to helping others.

(4) If I won the lottery today, I would keep it quiet. However,  I would sponsor indigent kids through school - quietly. I am a great believer in Education - as a great tool for self-empowerment and social mobility

(5) I would rather eat cream cakes than eat brocolli or spinach. However, I eat my greens because I want to look good! *sigh*

(6) I love to sleep.....I could sleep all day if I had the chance. My husband is still amazed by this! *smile*

(7) In my head, I still think I am 17. Whenever I look in the mirror, I wonder who that 'woman' is. In fact, I cringe when people call me 'madam'!! *sigh*

Well, as its taken me so long to reply......and most bloggers have been tagged, I wont bore you all by passing on the award........

However, I would like YOU to tell me just one thing your parents /spouse/ friends dont know about you

xoxoxoxoxoxox

A lecture from my son

2011-03-02T06:27:00.002Z

Apologies for the long absence. Unfortunately, other commitments (work, kids, family etc) have distracted me from writing.........*smile*

Something on my mind:

Whenever I get together with old friends, there’s nothing we like to do than eat, drink and have a good old chinwag (leisurely chat / gossip)

Invariably, we end up arguing/discussing Nigeria – especially about politics and our plans to return home. This happens on a regular basis as we always meet up with friends every other week.

You can only imagine my surprise when after one such visit – and chinwag – my first son came up to me:

Prof1: ‘Mum, why do you always talk about going back to Nigeria’
Me: ‘Because that’s where I grew up and I would love to return there when I’m older because the weather is warm and there’s so much help around you’
Prof1: ‘Help?’
Me: ‘Yes…..I have more relatives there so there are more people to help me with things that I might need. For example, shopping, house-keeping….’
Prof1: (empathically) ‘Well, you are not going back!’
Me: (taken aback) …..’I’m not leaving now…I mean later….when I’m older…..’
Prof1: ‘I know. You cannot go back.’
Me: (confusedly) ‘Why?’
Prof1: ‘..Because you have to stay here to take care of my children!’
Me: (smiling) ‘Ohhh…Well, I’ll come here in summer and leave in winter…How about that?’
Prof1: ‘No, that wont work!
Me: (laughing) ‘What about nursery for them?’
Prof1: (seriously) ‘They’ll go to nursery for two days and come to you for three days!’
Me: (now speechless) ‘Emmm…….’
Prof1: ‘Seriously mum, you really have to stay here all year. I will tell my wife to drop my children here on her way to work because I want them to eat jollof rice and sleep in my old bed!’
Me: (stuttering in shock) ….’Em…..okay!’

This conversation surprised me because I really did not think kids could plan that far ahead. I was impressed!

However, it did get me thinking about the fact that one of our (immigrants) biggest challenges here is childcare. Nursery fees are exorbitant to say the least and take a huge chunk out of young families’ pay packet. In fact, I can honestly say that childcare is one of the reasons young families - who have no other family members living close by - struggle to save or invest for their future.

The support of family is a blessing when you have young children. Indeed, I was very conscious of this when my kids were much younger – For example, at one time, I had two kids in nursery at the same time – this cost us a minimum of £250 per week!

I now hear that nursery fees have even increased and this amount is now a distant memory.

Considering, I had 3 different children passing through nursery over the course of 8 years – one can only imagine how much went on nursery fees! I cannot count the number of times I moaned about the fact that my mum could not come over to help (my parents are quite elderly)

So,
My son got me thinking……If I do return back to Nigeria…am I not leaving my kids to go through the same childcare challenge I went through? Is that fair? Even, am I kidding myself that I will definitely return to Nigeria when I get older?

Do tell me:
If you live abroad, do you see yourself returning to your home country anytime soon…..
OR
If you don’t live abroad - even with all the challenges you hear those abroad face - would you consider relocating to Europe, US etc if you had a chance?

PS –
I would like really honest answers, so I have decided to allow anonymous comments for a week. Thanks

The Day After

2011-02-15T15:34:00.001Z

A friend called me today and lamented that no-one took her out or called her yesterday. Aged 34 years old, she feels really down about this. After speaking with her, I decided to share my thoughts on Valentine's Day:

When I was an undergraduate, I used to dread Valentine's day - because I felt I was under soo much peer pressure for the day to live up to all the hype.

As the success of the day largely depended on the actions of someone else (boyfriend/ admirer); it is safe to say that then, my Valentine's Day experience was largely dependent on the extent to which my admirer/ partner was expressive, loved-up, financially stable and even available!

When I had a laid-back boyfriend - who was not very expressive - the day was a disaster! However, when I got a boyfriend who was very expressive and lovey-dovey, the day became a special one for me.

Now, I am much older, I do appreciate the day but I do feel it can be a bit overblown. That is why I refuse to go out to a restaurant on that day. On most festive days, I find restaurants a bit too impersonal - with too many diners, too much noise, mass-produced food and decor that tries too hard to be 'romantic' or 'festive'. I often come away feeling like I have been on a conveyor belt. Indeed, the situation is not often helped by the pensive faces and superficial smiles worn by the harrassed waiters!!

Honestly, I rather spend the day at home or in a hotel room - with the one I love, a bottle of good wine, good music in the background, fantastic food etc etc

Yes, yesterday, some of us felt loved, while some of us did not! On the other hand, some of us died yesterday and some of us - like you - survived!

Let everyday be your Valentine day.....LOVE YOURSELF EVERYDAY!

The Weakening Sex?

2011-02-08T06:32:00.001Z

When I was younger, women were referred to as the weaker sex. However, as political correctness became the norm - and women became more empowered - women are rarely referred to as the weaker sex.

Growing up in a house with only sisters, we were encouraged to learn everything. There was no room for 'girl jobs' or 'boy jobs'. My father (an engineer and avid gardener) encouraged us to learn basic DIY skills (gardening, car-maintenance, painting and fixing simple plumbing/ electrical faults); while my mother (a mid-wife and exceptional cook) taught us about cooking, house-keeping etc

While we were expected to excel at everything, my simple understanding of gender roles was that men was meant to protect and provide for the family; while women were meant to build the home and nurture/ shape the family.

However, even then, I knew that the roles were sometimes blurred - for example, it was my dad who taught me how to sew and how to appreciate art. Recently though, I have noticed that gender roles are becoming even more blurred and I now wonder whether men should now be referred to as 'the weakening sex'?

Without sounding like a bra-burning, man-hating feminist, I dare to suggest this - not because I hate men or I have been hurt by them, but because I have noticed the evolution of certain types of men (especially here in the UK). I will now describe them:

1. The Escapists:
The recession has seen quite a lot of job losses in the UK and this has placed a huge strain on most families. While, I do accept that a man will generally find it more difficult (compared to a woman) to adjust to job loss/ loss of income (because their self-esteem is largely tied to their financial worth); I have observed the rise in the number of 'Escapists' - men who seek to escape their responsibilities and obligations as soon as the going gets tough.

Among Nigerians, these are the men who decide to leave their family in the UK/US to return to Nigeria - 'on business'. They then hang around in Nigeria - without any visible source of income, transaction or business plan; OR without any consideration for the needs of the family they left behind.

Believe me, there is no way a gainfully employed adult can hang around in Nigeria, for more than a month without having to worry about all his obligations (i.e. his job, bills or mortgage/rent). Unfortunately, this is now a common phenomenon as more and more men abandon their responsibilities to 'do business' in Africa. More often than not, this 'business' means contacting old friends (they haven't seen for years) to lobby for 'contracts' or political posts - while sampling the feminine charms on offer.

A friend's husband - an escapist - stayed in Nigeria - 'on business' for 6 months. He finally returned back to the UK - broke and contrite (after impregnating a girl in Nigeria)!

2. The Domestic Generals:
One thing about relocating is that you are more than likely going to have to retrain - and embark on a new career. This is usually not out of choice but because (a) your educational qualifications might not be recognised or (b) employment opportunities might not really exist in your field.

For example, a friend studied Biochemistry in Nigeria but retrained as an accountant here. Another studied Law in Nigeria, but has now retrained as a Social worker. Similarly, a relative trained as a doctor in Nigeria but had to do several low-paid jobs while he took professional exams that enabled him practise as a medical doctor in the UK. It's just the way it is.

However, some of our men generally seem to resist this. This is in sharp contrast to the women who face reality and retrain pronto. The result - while the woman climbs up the professional ladder, the man is likely to be left floundering with the low skilled job he has settled for.

Unfortunately, quite a lot oif these men are then threatened by their wife's progress and seek to wield their authority unneccessarily. An example of a 'Domestic General' is a family friend. When they arrived here, he settled for a low-paid postal job and absolutely refused to retrain or gain further qualifications. On the other hand, his wife - who came here as a Lingusitics graduate - retrained as a nurse. She has largely been responsible for the needs of the home - to the extent the children go to her frst whenever they need anything.

The 'general' is now feeling relegated and has chosen to hit back in frustration - verbally abusing the woman, galivanting with other women and treating their home as a battle field. I know some women disrespect their men when they are financially stronger, but this is not the case here...and that is what pains me!

3. The Emasculated:
My observation is that while some men have reacted positively to having a strong woman in their life, others have reacted negativelty - with some becoming 'Domestic Generals' while some now appear to be 'Emasculated'.

To emasculate is to 'deprive of strength, vigor or spirit'. Research has shown that Many men believe the world is now dominated by women and that they have lost their role in society, fuelling feelings of depression and being undervalued

Within our community, these men seem to have given up on trying to be the man of the house. Call me old fashioned but while I believe in strong women, I also believe a man should still be a man. What is my definition of a man? Well a man should fulfil the following:

Provide/ Try to provide/ Have plans to provide the basic needs of the family: This is not only financial. The needs might relate to providing guidance or leadership for the family. If a wife is earning more, a man should be strong enough to be proud of the wife and be comfortable with planning together.
Be a role model to his children: It should not be a case of 'do what I say - not what I do' . For me, a real man should be conscious of the fact that his kids - boys or girls - are learning from his example regarding what a father and husband should be like.
Put the family first: Not distant relatives, not friends, not his community.....his wife and kids should come first.

Unfortunately, the sad thing about 'the Emasculated' in our community is that even though they act like wilted spinach most of the time; whenever they are in the presence of their relative(s), they regain some vigor and start strutting around like the only rooster in the hen house - barking out orders and wielding authority over a wife they have barely spoken to all year long!

4. The Users:
Unfortunately, these have been around since time began. However, what I have observed is that younger men seem to be more focused on gaining maximum wealth - with minimum effort. In the past, it used to be that the first few years abroad - for an immigrant- were spent doing low-paid jobs, finding your feet and essentially, building the foundation for a brighter future.

However, the new influx seem to be in a hurry to live in a posh flat, drive a fancy car and host parties every weekend - without any visible means of income. The result...they have become 'Users' - using and discarding people willy nilly

These are the boys/men who latch onto a girl - preferably someone employed or a foreign student (who is receiving regular funds from her parents/ sponsor) and milk the girls for all they are worth.

In 2009, when a little cousin came to me and said her boyfriend was moving in with her, I objected and asked her to move in with him OR for both of them to rent a place together. My reasoning - the flat was being paid for by her father and I was not comfortable with the fact that the boy was not in education OR holding down a steady job. Again, I knew the father would tell me off for not informing him. Well, she went against my advice - because according to her, she was in love and they were getting married........soon.

The end result .......the boy was using her address for fraudulent activities. They were both eventually arrested and the boy was deported. Happily, she was released without charge. However, the legacy of this experience is a strained relationship with her dad. The loverboy hooked up with his ex - a banker - as soon as he got back to Nigeria and I hear they are now married. My cousin?..... still bitter and nursing her wounds!

So.......
What do you think?

Are men generally becoming the 'weakening sex'....as they increasingly fail to rise up to their responsibilities and obligations?

OR

Are stronger women making it difficult for men to fulfil their responsibilities and obligations. Could it be that as we encourage women to become more empowered, we are robbing men of the opportunity to be 'men'?

Disclaimer
This is not an attack on ALL men. It is an observatory piece - on what I have witnessed recently - within our community in the UK.

Tragic Comedy

2011-01-26T13:29:00.001Z

Perhaps, the greatest comedy

Ever written,

Was by God

When He gave life to man.

As soon as man is born

He craves wisdom and maturity.

Accomplishing that,

He then envies the ignorance of the young.

As soon as man is ready to breed

He yearns for the perfect offspring.

Failing that,

He then prays for improved versions of himself.

As soon as man finishes raising his children

He pushes them out of the nest.

Forlorn and lonely,

He then longs for the vibrancy of a full house.

As soon as man is bored with life

He craves excitement.

Worn and exhausted,

He then hungers for the humdrum.

As soon as man learns to covet

He wishes to surpass his neighbour’s fortune.

Superfluously endowed,

He then fears he might lose it all.

As soon as man lacks food

He envies the portly nature of the well fed.

Overfed and languid,

He then yearns for the physique of the malnourished

As soon as man gains wealth

He seeks to gain immortality

Elderly and feeble

He then hankers for a peaceful death

As soon as man understands life

He reaches death’s door

All-knowing and wise

He then wishes he had made less mistakes.

Indeed, the greatest tragedy

Ever lived

Was by man

When he forgot his life is a comedy

This poem was inspired by a day when all I seemed to ask was - ' Why me?'

How far do you push?

2011-01-23T22:31:00.010Z

A new parenting book has caused quite a stir. The book is The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua (a professor of law at Yale Law School ).

In this book, Amy reveals how she adopted a strict Chinese parenting style with her two kids; in which she DID NOT ALLOW HER KIDS DO THE FOLLOWING:
- Attend sleepovers;
- Have a play-date;
- Take part in a school play;
- Watch TV;
- Play computer games;
- Achieve any grade less than an A;
- Play any other musical instrument apart from the violin or piano.

I guess it's safe to say that her parenting style was very strict. For example, on her birthday, her daughter (Lulu - aged four) handed her a 'surprise', which turned out to be a card. Amy looked at this 'card' which was a paper folded crookedly in half, with a big happy face on the front and 'Happy Birthday, Mummy! Love, Lulu' scrawled in crayon above another happy face.

Amy then gave the card back to Lulu saying 'I don't want this, I want a better one – one that you've put some thought and effort into. I have a special box, where I keep all my cards from you and Sophia, and this one can't go in there.' She then grabbed the card again, flipped it over, pulled out a pen and scrawled - 'Happy Birthday Lulu Whoopee!' - added a big sour face. … then 'I reject this!!!'

Amy confirms that this is the way she was also brought up - and it worked for her!

My Reaction:
As I said earlier, the book has drawn varying reactions from readers and book reviewers - ranging from 'Too much!' to 'Just right!' to 'Push Harder!'

While some commentators claim that they had an epiphany after reading the book (as in - 'Oh! that explains why Chinese children are such high achievers'); others claim that her style is too autocratic and might stifle creativity.

My reaction - As a rule, I do not read parenting books because I think EACH CHILD IS DIFFERENT. So, I do think her blanket approach is a bit too autocratic.

However, a lot of what she talks about is similar to the general Nigerian style of parenting - a great emphasis on academic success, minimal emphasis on creativity/ extra-curricular activities and little or no emphasis on nurturing individuality.

So, this book got me thinking about how I was raised by my parents AND how I am now raising my children:

Parenting Styles - My Parents:
With regards to parenting styles, I like to imagine parenting as equivalent to leadership (which largely involves exerting control and giving direction to your followers/ subordinates).

With regards to how much discipline and control parents dish out to their kids; I see parents as falling between a 1 and 10 on the 'Parenting dial'.

At No.1 is the Passive Parent who rarely disciplines his/her child, does not set any expectations for the child and allows the child do whatever s/he wants. This kind of parent rarely reprimands and is more likely to place more emphasis on nurturing the child's self esteem.

On the other hand, at No.10 is the Autocratic Parent who is quick to discipline, dictates expectations to the child, attempts to control the child's choice of activities, friends, clothes etc. This kind of parent is also more likely to reprimand slight failings and will not place much emphasis on nurturing a child's self esteem.

I would rate my parents as an 8.

This is because I often felt very much misunderstood. I also felt that sometimes, the punishment meted out by my parents exceeded whatever offence I had committed. To be honest, I often felt that their reaction was heightened by other issues they were facing (i.e. financial pressures, family squabbles etc) rather than whatever mischief I had perpetrated. *smile*

What I did not particularly like was that they took a 'one size fits all' approach to parenting i.e. if A did this, B must do this....If A misbehaved like this, we assume B might also misbehave...........*sigh*

However, I totally accept that this was generally the parenting style of that time. While their style has shaped me into a disciplined and organised person; it has also placed some distance between us - as we never could communicate with each other freely.

Parenting Styles - Mine:

My childhood experiences now make me question myself all the time - especially whenever I am disciplining the kids.

I am definitely no saint and I know I have - and will - make parenting mistakes BUT I always try to make sure I do not let other issues (financial worries, office tensions, deadlines etc) push me into overeacting to the kids' occasional mischief.

In relation to the 'parenting dial' - If I am honest, I would say hubby and I are a 6 - uncompromising when it comes to school work, strict when it comes to behaviour; but relaxed when it comes to pursuing whatever extra-curricular activity the child likes. Again, while each child has a chore - sweeping, washing dishes or tidying up; they can also 'earn' pocket money by doing extra housework or excelling at school.

In my last post, Mimi B reminded me of the proverb - 'If you beat a child with your left hand, you use your right hand to draw him back to you chest'. This sums up my approach to parenting.

I believe that even when you do discipline a child, it is only fair that you (a) tell the child exactly why he is being punished and (b) Later - after the child has shown remorse - pull him close to you and play with him - so he is reminded of your love.

Children are like wet clay - a parent is supposed to help mould them. However, like wet clay, if you press too hard, the intended 'shape' can become damaged. Discipline does not always have to be physical reprimands i.e. smacking. Again, it is wise to note that the parenting style that MAKES one child folurish, can BREAK another child.

Indeed, the author I mentioned earlier (Amy Chua) confirms that while her first child blossomed under such strict parenting, her younger child (Lulu) rebelled - 'First, Lulu hacks off her hair with a pair of scissors; then, on a family holiday to Moscow, Lulu and I get into a public argument that culminates in Lulu smashing a glass in a cafe, screaming - "I'm not what you want – I'm not Chinese! I don't want to be Chinese. Why can't you get that through your head? I hate the violin. I hate my life. I hate you, and I hate this family!" - Her relationship with Lulu in crisis, Amy, finally, thankfully, raises the white flag.'

Yes, its lovely to have all your children turn into lawyers, doctors and engineers BUT what would this world be without Authors like Malcolm Gladwell or Chinua Achebe; Sportsmen like Muhammad Ali or Tiger Woods; Visionaries like Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Fela, Steve Jobs or Mother Theresa, ..................?

So......
I would like to conclude by recalling a confrontation between a demanding mother (aged 60 yrs) and an exasperated daughter (aged 36 yrs):

Mom: 'Your behaviour is not Christian-like'
Daughter: 'What do you mean?'
Mum: (steadily raising her voice) 'Hmmph......Ephesians 6! Ephesians 6!!
Daughter: (quizzically) 'Ephesians 6? What part?'
Mum: (shouting and wagging her finger) 'Ephesians 6 - Honour your father and mother so that it may be well with you and your days on Earth may be long!'
Daughter: (smiling) 'Mmmmm.....you always quote the passages that suit you!'
Mum: (frowning) 'How?'
Daughter: 'Read further...after that statement its continues to say - 'Fathers, do not exasperate your children...instead bring them up in the way of the Lord.'
Mum: (sighing and walking away) 'You no be beta person at all!'
.....................LOLLLL!!!

I would now love to hear from you:
- If you are already a parent: How would you describe your parenting style?
- If you are not a parent yet: What kind of parenting style would you ideally prefer to adopt in future?
- From all (parents/ non parents): How would you describe your parents' parenting style? What did you like/ not like?

Indeed, how far should one push his/her child?

Verbal Lashes (1)

2011-01-19T21:46:00.008Z

One of the beautiful things about language is the way we express ourselves in different ways.

For example, I can immediately tell whether a speaker is Nigerian if they come up to me and say 'Please, I want to ease myself' instead of 'I would like to use the bathroom, please' LOL

Anyway, I told my son off recently and I ended our conversation by using a pidgin English saying:
Me: 'Anyway, I have finished warning you oh.....who get ear make im hear!'
Cool2: (looking confused) 'Mummy, what did you say?'
Me: (raising my voice)...'I said - who get ear, make im hear! Don't you understand?!'
Cool2: 'I think so mummy. You mean that I should use my ears!'
Me: (calming down) 'Exactly! A word is enough for the wise'
Cool2: (now looking more confused) 'Huh?'
Me: (sighing deeply) 'This means if you are really smart, this one warning I have just given you should be enough or else..............mmmh!'
Cool2: 'Ohhhhhh.....but, mum....I don't mean to be rude, but........'

His remark is cut short as I throw him 'The look.' This is because whenever he says 'I dont mean to be rude'....he usually goes ahead and says something inappropriate - and I have warned him about this, so................

Me: (narrowing my eyes and looking at him closely) 'Yes? Carry on....'
Cool2: 'I don't mean to be rude....but....why do you like saying things like ...'a word is enough for the wise'......?'
Me: 'Because I like them. They are called proverbs or sayings. You will learn to use them as you grow older!'
Cool2: (skeptically) 'Mmmmm'

LOL.....As you can tell, this conversation that was supposed to end with my witty proverb gradually progressed into a lecture about proverbs

Like Cool2, when I was growing up, I was at the recieving end of proverbs, sayings and witty retorts from the older people around me. At that time, this annoyed me because the remarks were often delivered to admonish me or to end a conversation! Most times, I went away feeling 'emotionally bruised' because I felt I had been verbally lashed - given a 'verbal caning' - by the adult addressing me.

However, I have grown to admire the wit behind most of them - particularly the ones in Pidgin English and my native language. While they were often not welcome in the past, they often did serve as a wake up call!

Here are a few of my favourites sayings/ proverbs in Pidgin English and English (my native language will be too difficult for most to read) - and the situations they were used.

1st fave Proverb/ Saying:

In Pidgin: 'U no fit say make pickin no grow big teeth.......But, u must pray say d pickin go get big lips wey go fit cover d teeth.'
In English: 'One cannot prevent a child from becoming buck-toothed. However, one must pray that his lips are big enough to cover the teeth.'
Situation Used: Whenever - after several warnings - I still went ahead and did something/ insisted on doing something. It's almost like saying - 'As you lay your bed, so you shall lay on it!'
My reaction: Ouch!

2nd Fave Proverb/ Saying:

In Pidgin: ''If u wan advise person and everybody dey say - 'Leave am, leave am, na so im be' - u go know say de person don dey craze''
In English: 'If you attempt giving out advice to a person and everyone around him says - 'Dont bother, that's the way he is' - that will indicate the person is beyond redemption!'
Situation used: Whenever I complain that there's too much interference in my life. This proverb is a way of saying that 'If we stop interfering, you can take it that we don't care about you' OR
'We care about you and we believe you can do better, so that is why we interfere.'
My reaction: This is emotional blackmail! *smile*

3rd Fave Proverb/ Saying:

In Pidgin: 'If u no let people laff you, dem go cry for you.'
In English: 'If you are afraid that people will mock you; then a time will come when they will find you tragic.'
Situation used: Whenever I was supposed to take decisive action about a major life event and I dithered - because I was worried about what 'people' will say. This saying is to let me know that indecision - usually because of fear of failure or people's comments - could have dire consequences.
My reaction: Damn! This is a wake up call!!

4th Fave Proverb/ Saying:

In Pidgin: 'If person dey sleep, d time wey im wake up na im day break for d person.'
In English: 'Whatever time you do wake up from night sleep - is the time your day begins.'
Situation used: Whenever I had been complaining about things I should have done, could have done or would have done. This saying states that regret is futile. Basically, we all have different paths to personal development so whatever time you do 'Wake up' - is your personal dawn.
For example, a friend who has gone through a bad relationship recently made a difficult life changing decision - to call it quits.
When she opened up to me, she expressed regrets - about wasted opportunities, lost years etc.
However, she concluded our lenghty conversation by sighing and using this saying. The words really empowered her - to accept that while wrong decisions had been made, so long as she was healthy and alive; she still had a chance to achieve so much in life.
My reaction: Too true!

5th Fave Proverb/ Saying:

In Pidgin: 'No be how bodi dey scratch person na im person dey scratch am.'
In English: 'When you are itchy, it is is not advisable to scratch the itch with the same ferocity with which you feel the itch.'
Situation used: Whenever I have wanted to take drastic action i.e. wanting to angrily confront someone who has been a pain! Basically, this saying is advising one to calm down and think rationally.
My reaction: Easier said than done! *smile*

Oh, I could go on and on and on......that's why I have titled this post No. 1 - because I hope to write a post with all the Pidgin English sayings I know (and add any interesting new ones I come across).

So, I would now like to hear from you - what is your favourite saying/ proverb?....OR....Better still, do tell me any saying/ proverb that has stuck in your head - possibly uttered by your parents, partner, friend, colleague. *eager smile*

Stylish and Versatile Award

2011-01-15T00:06:00.002Z

I have been awarded the THE STYLISH & VERSATILE AWARDS by Ibhade (Housewife Tales) and Atilola

Thanks for this honour. I feel really special - especially as I have only been blogging for two months.

Oh dear, I feel really emotional *sniff sniff*....and I really want to make an Oscar-type acceptance speech........Just Kidding!

According to the rules, I should say 7 things about myself. So here goes:

1) My faith in God is my strength. However, I believe in simplicity of worship so I hate Bible-bashers (people who constantly go around forcing the word of the Bible on everyone else - and claiming that everything BUT the Bible is evil). Being religous should not be a substitute for common sense.

2) I love Pidgin English! While my job is very academic (Research/ Education) and requires good English (spoken and written); I revert to Pidgin English whenever I talk with old Naija friends. If you see me dey nak pidgin, u go tink say I dey sell akara *smile*

3) I adore fashion - but I don't like spending too much money on it so I am not one to buy gold or expensive lace. So, it helps that I can sew and make costume jewellry!

4) I love learning new things - so I get excited whenever I meet fascinating people. This might explain why I enjoy having conversations with really old people and really young ones - because they say it as it is!

5) I absolutely love, love food and entertaining. That's why I'm in my element when cooking, baking and organising events that involve good food, wine, dancing, friendly people and lots of laughter! Basically, I love a good party!

6) I love daydreaming so I love reading, writing and watching movies. Escapism - and prayer - are my solutions to stress!

7) I am fascinated by Politics - and all the shenanigans that go with it. You can learn a lot about human psychology when you watch people with power (as well as those trying to get power)

I am now expected to give this award to 15 other bloggers....so here goes (in random order):

1) PRISM

2) P.E.T

3) BLESSING

4) STING

5) NOTMAD

6) CHI-CHI

7) 2CUTE4U

8) COY-INTROVERT

9) CHIZZYD

10) JUST DOYIN

11) HONEYDAME

12) KIARA

13) MIMI B

14) DOMINIQUE

15) GBENGA

Many thanks to you all .....here's what you have to do as an awardee:
1) Thank the blogger that gave you the award.

2) Then list 7 things about yourself.

3) Give out the same awards to 15 other bloggers.

4) Then contact them.

*Phew* This has been fun...I'm now off to contact the awardees.

P.S:.........I beg your forgiveness IF:
I have failed to nominate you OR
I have given you extra work! *smile*

Rhianna or Remi?

2011-01-11T18:00:00.002Z

I'm sure you've heard the saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'....?

Well, in my experience, this saying rings true for most people who grew up in Nigeria and now live abroad.

It is when you have left home for some time that you truly begin to appreciate some of the simple things you took for granted - like suya; goat meat that actually tastes like goat meat; the earthy smell of sand after the rains; the feverish preparations for Christmas/ New year; the taste of jollof rice cooked over fire-wood; the ability to nip to your tailor and have an outfit specially created for you ................. *sigh*

You might have noticed that I have only highlighted the good memories *smile*

Well, that's a deliberate choice as I prefer good memories to bad ones. This is because the bad memories come alive whenever I return to Naija. *smile*

Anyway, before I digress......one of the things I have done to remind myself - and my kids - of my 'roots' is to give them traditional names. Each child's name was inspired by the events around his birth. I always love explaining what their name means to them because they then have a story to tell their inquisitive friends.

Like my kid's friends, I am also fascinated by the meaning of people's names - and the history behind the names. This is because I often feel that a person's name gives some insight into the parents' thought processes at the time the child was born - What the parents felt like.......What events occured around the time the child was born.........What the parents hoped the child would become in future .......etc

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

While I accept that every parent is entitled to choose their child's name, I have to ask why some Nigerians feel the need to name their kids after flash-in-the pan celebrities and random places, events or things. For example, I have actually come across Naija kids in London named Rhianna, Beyonce, Paris, Nefertiti, Winter and Tiger !!!

Why these names???.....when we have soooo many beautiful Nigerian/ African names to choose from???? Even if one has to choose a western name, I would think the choice of a meaningful one would be better?

Don't get me wrong, I am not against western names. Indeed, my Catholic parents baptised me with an English name - along with a sackful of traditional names. However, I do find it difficult to understand how some Nigerian parents would prefer to name their precious children after things/ people that have no relationship to them, their culture or their background.

A fellow Nigerian (resident here) once told me that he felt that my decision to give my kids traditional Naija names was wrong! According to this man, such names would 'hold them back in the western world as teachers and future employers would be biased against them whenever they saw their names'.

When he said this, I defended myself vigorously - saying that their names were chosen because they expressed............in our native language..........exactly how hubby and I felt at the time the kids were born!

I really wish I could run into that man again....to ask him if he's heard about how the name 'Barack Obama' has been an impediment to the personal and professional growth of a certain gentleman from Hawaii!! *smile*

Do let me know your take on this - traditional names or fashionable western names - what's your preference?