PROBLEMS 101

My dearest  Yemmie recently drew our attention to 2 'posts' about Naija that have been making the rounds and she asked the question .....'Is Nigeria Really This Bad?'. Please go to her lovely blog to read.

I have to say that I didnt watch the video but I read through Tim's write up and I can honestly say that there is nothing he said that I found untrue.

Granted, if we only focus on the negatives, we might become blind to the positives within Nigeria BUT I am not one to shirk from the truth and the truth is that we have serious problems in Nigeria.

We like to deceive ourselves that Nigeria is fantastic but we need to realise that the system we have in place is just not right. We have problems ...

- There is a problem when people feel they have a right to LOOT the coffers of a nation...

- There is a problem when an intelligent person is born into poverty and there are NO institutional routes for him/her to advance educationally.....

- There is a problem when faced with a new law or regulation; the average Nigerian's first thought is 'HOW DO I AVOID THIS LAW/ REGULATION?'


- There is a problem when dirty old men feel it is their right to SLEEP with every female job applicant they come across?

- There is a problem when young girls feel it is normal to BED HOP with men older than their fathers.........

- There is a problem when our young men would rather cross a DESERT than stay in their own country.........

- There is a problem when RELIGION is used to manipulate people into becoming cash machines and murderers.....

- There is a problem when politicians are seen as 'EXCEPTIONAL' just because they tarred one stretch of road.....

- There is a problem when children value MONEY over and above all things....

- There is a problem when contracts are AWARDED, RE-AWARDED, RE-RE AWARDED & RE-RE-RE AWARDED ............without any accountability....

- There is a problem when provision of education has become so poor that we send our children to Ghana...Togo....Poland....India.......JUST ANYWHERE........

- There is a problem when the LOVE FOR MONEY has made kidnapping, armed robbery, ritual murders and extortion the norm............

- There is a problem when we need to fly out of the country for BASIC health care.........

- There is a problem when a DOCTOR can let anyone...but especially...a child or pregnant woman die because the relatives dont have the means to pay for their treatment..........

- There is a problem when our LEADERS are happy to say they are 'flying abroad' for medical treatment......

- There is a problem when the brothers/ sisters we supported through APARTHEID (South Africa) now wish they had fewer numbers of us in their country.....

There is a problem when a country can go from being the LEADING PRODUCER of a product (Palm Oil) to an importer of the same product........

- The BIGGEST PROBLEM is not acknowledging we actually have these problems. Self awareness is teh first step towards growth. I know it hurts to hear but like a parent with a deviant child....sometimes, one has to face the truth before things can change.

We need to stop pretending all is well. ALL IS NOT WELL.

Yes, there is nothing like home......BUT....It sure would be great if we acknowledged that 'Home' is not perfect and we are part of the imperfections.

Exploring and Questioning Norms ..........Part 3

Thanks for reading the previous parts of this post. Here is the final part:
Another Disclaimer: My opinions are just that... My opinions. I am not anti-anybody. I say what I see.

So................ here is the final part of my post on some of Nigerian norms I question:


(5) Women should be seen not heard:
Despite all the 'progress' we have made, I still feel that women are not respected in Nigerian culture. Yes, we value our mothers and appreciate our sisters etc etc.  But does the society actually respect women? I think - to a large extent - NO !

My opinion is largely shaped by how Nigerian women are generally treated when it comes to marriage. Here are instances relating to marriage that have shaped my view:

(a) Assumptions about Single Women: While we all claim to be more enlightened than previous generations, I feel single women are generally disrespected in some situations and women are generally more respected by Nigerian society if they are married.
For example, a single well dressed lady is generally treated with suspicion - and assumed to be a 'hooker' - if she is unaccompanied in a restaurant or hotel bar. I know some of you will say that they shouldn't be in such places in the first place OR that this doesnt happen nowadays BUT I recall how I was treated suspiciously when I stayed alone in an Abuja hotel. Also, a post on Linda's blog discussed this issue, so this must be common. You can read here............

(b) Propositioning Women Randomly: It does appear most Naija men see all women as fair game' - to be approached and 'chatted up' randomly. Unfortunately, it appears that the richer the man is, the more confident he feels the lady will accept his 'dog-like' approach.
When I was in Nigeria, I was lucky enough to co-own a business and I can say that whenever I started discussing business with a  potential male investor or client ; 90% of the time, their first thought was how they could get me into bed. From what I see nowadays, nothing much has changed........

(c) Marriage Pressure: No need to expantiate abi? As soon as a young lady is getting to her late 20s, she is pressured to get married. Even the most 'enlightened' of parents is guilty of this..........They start with subtle hints and then it becomes a full blown chant.........till the poor girl starts seeing 'Marriage' in her sleep, her cornflakes, her plate of rice etc etc. LOL I actually know people who are scared to call home now because of this pressure :((((

(d) The In-laws: Once a woman does get married. She is expected to welcome her in-laws into her home with open arms.................Often with no questions asked, no consultation or consideration for what her own plans might be. It's almost as if as soon as she is married.......... she is expected to become dumb and mute.
I know someone who found it difficult to pass her professional exams because her house was constantly being 'invaded' by her husband's relatives visiting London.
Another lady who is dear to me had to put her foot down and insist on less visitors when she realised that her salary was going on constantly beefing up their monthly feeding budget - as hubby's people were constantly in their home.
Another more traditional friend was playing hostess to her husband's younger siblings in London while her hubby was busy in Nigeria gallivanting with hot babes. The worst thing was her in-laws even knew her hubby's 'main girlfriend' in Nigeria............... *hissssssssss*

(e) Marriage as the Dream-killer: I will say that more often than not, most Nigerian women put their dreams aside after they get marrried.
Why is it that so many Nigerian men state that they like 'ambitious, go-getters' as potential wives. However, after marriage, they are quick to complain that their new bride is 'too ambitious and driven'. The very things that attracted the man to the woman now appear so unappealing.
So if a girl is considering marriage, here are a few questions to consider:
'You want to get a Masters degree?'........
'You want to occupy a senior position in your organisation?'.................
'You want to open your own business?'................
Well, you better discuss this with your potential hubby so your dream doesnt die. However, discussion with hubby is no guarantee these dreams will not be pushed to one side because quite a lot of Nigerian men will encourage your plans - ONLY IF they don't interfere with (a) You producing children; (b) Your husband's own plans and (c) You ensuring the home is run properly.......

(f) The Forbidden 'D' word: The 'D' word I refer to is the 'Divorce' word. More often than not, Nigerian women are made to feel that whatever is wrong with the marriage can be fixed if they pray or obey their husbands. Yes......
- It doesnt matter if he is a womaniser...
- It doesnt matter if he doesnt support the woman.....
- It doesnt matter if he treats her badly..........................................NO, NO, NO....
To wear that honourable badge of 'Mrs X'.....most Nigerian women are often advised 'to pray and humble themselves'. Ha ha, I laugh in Spanish. This kind of advice is what gives a lot of Naija men the balls to misbehave and maltreat women. Humph

(g) The Last Straw:
I am always saddened when I hear instances where widows are maltreated following their husband's death.I still see instances where...
- The wife is often blamed if her hubby dies suddenly
- The wife is expected to take a back seat in the planning of her hubby's funeral
- The hubby's people seize his properties without considering the wife or his children
- The welfare of the wife and children is ignored as soon as their bread winner passes away
- Widows live with the 'stigma' of losing a husband (through no fault of their own)
This is so sad and I cannot even imagine what a widow goes through when she has to bury her husband, take care of children - while dealing with hostile, suspicious inlaws. *sigh*

I must say that despite these irksome customs, we have still seen strong women emerge .....like: Queen Idia,  Mama Ransome Kuti,   Madam Tinubu, Queen Amina of Zaria etc etc ...........This serves as evidence that Nigerian women can overcome all that is stacked against them. However, it takes a lot of resilience and stubborness. mmmmmm

So, my dear people, I don talk finish. If I talk true, make God bless me....If I talk lie, make I continue to chop better food. Amen (I have finished talking. If I have told the truth, may God bless me, If I have lied, may I  continue to eat good food. Amen) LOL

Do tell me what you think about our Nigerian culture - and how it treats its women.
Also, do tell me which customs you DO NOT like or wish would fade away with time

Take care and God bless
xxxxxxx

Exploring and Questioning Norms ..........Part 2

(2)Elders are always right
I first challenged this belief here and I still believe this is one of the reasons Nigeria has not realised her full potential. Why are we still hearing the same names in politics? It is only in Nigeria we have 'Youth Leaders' who are aged 45 years and above...............

While I accept that most elders have knowledge and experience beyond that of most young people, I also feel that age often comes with caution and older people are more accepting of the status quo. Over the years, most revolutions, inventions and innovations have been delivered by young people. This is because they are still restless enough to ask questions that preempt drastic change, for example ...
'Why is this situation like this?' OR  'How can we make it better/ easier/ faster...?'

A society that ignores its young minds is not ready for progress. While I accept the saying  'What an elder sees sitting down, a child will not see standing up'.....I also agree with the saying 'Age considers; youth ventures' (Rabindranath Tagore)

(3) A childless woman has no value
A lot of women are often made to feel worthless because they are unable to have babies. This is so so wrong. While I accept this is not exclusive to Nigerian culture; I must say that Nigerians are not diplomatic in their disrespect for childless women.
It doesn't seem to matter ......
Whether the woman has discovered the cure for cancer......OR
Whether she has being to space.............OR
Whether she has being awarded a Nobel prize...........OR
Whether she has even been instrumental in the cessation of war or conflict
.......If she never born she no be person (if she hasnt had a child she is not worth much)

I am always amazed when parents who have brought up their daughters to be principled start panicking when the married/unmarried daughter-without-a-child gets to her mid-thirties.

In some cases I have seen these same parents advice their daughter to 'Just have a child before it's too late'. While I attempt to understand their concern; I cant help but despair because (a) It places the women under so much pressure and (b) It makes all their other achievements seem unimportant

(4) Preference for male or female children 

Preference for Male children:  I am always shocked when I hear fellow Nigerians tell me 'I'm lucky' whenever they find out I have only boys. Really? In this day and age? I even recall a Nigerian man telling me that 'daughters are a waste of time because men will marry them and take them away one day. ' Surprisingly, this man was 'educated'

I'm sure we all know of cases where supposedly educated Nigerian men complain that their wives have failed to produce a male child - conveniently forgetting all the Biology lessons they had in secondary school (that it is the father that provides the chromosome that determines the gender of a child).

Preference for female children:  Similarly, I am always told that 'I must have a girl because girls are more likely to take care of me when I am old'..............
How can one predict that? I know daughters who are cold towards their parents and shower more affection on their in laws..........and I know boys who jump whenever their parents need something...

All I know is as I cannot predict the future and see whether my boys will 'take care of me in my old age' ............Also, I cannot keep on having children in an endless quest for a daughter. So, I will love the ones I'm blessed with wholeheartedly. Today has enough worries, let tomorrow take care of itself LOL

So...........
Do you feel our Nigerian culture ignores the voice of the young and listens only to the elderly.....??
Do you feel motherhood is the only way a woman can truly be judged as a success.......???
Finally, do you feel young Nigerians still consider the gender of their children as cause for worry........(i.e is there still a preference for female or male children) ???

Stay blessed and see you next Friday for my final post on this topic
xxxxxx

Exploring and Questioning Norms ..........Part 1

I want to start by saying thank you to all who visit this blog and follow my 'rambling' posts. I am really grateful to you all for an opportunity to share my thoughts. *kiss* *kiss*

Now today's post:

One of my favourite authors is Malcolm Gladwell - a Psychologist

In his book - Outliers, The Story of Success - he has a chapter titled 'The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes' where he discusses the impact of culture on airline safety

In summary, he talks about how 'Power Distant Cultures'  (where younger/ less powerful people accept that  they are required to defer and obey older/ more powerful people); seem to have have higher levels of plane crashes. This is because  because junior crew members find it difficult to correct the senior official - The pilot. It makes fascinating reading and got me thinking about my culture.......

In Nigerian culture, we very much defer to our elders and this can be a good thing in most cases BUT it can also be a bad thing.

In my next three posts, I will share some some of our cultural norms I now question....(Disclaimer: By 'Nigerian culture', I mean general cultural norms - not tribe specific):


(1) The eldest child should be responsible for his/her younger siblings..............:
I have seen instances where so much pressure has been put on the first child that s/he is forced to do things they should not have done. While I understand that some of them have lost their primary breadwinner i.e. their dad.....In most cases, they are pushed to provide for their siblings by their parents.

An example:
A friend of mine (let's call her Liz) told me about a conversation she overhead sometime ago.......

In those days before mobile phones became common in Nigeria, one of Liz's neighbours had a defective landline so this neighbour often came to Liz's parents house to receive phone calls.

This neighbour had a daughter in Italy who called home from time to time. Anytime this girl called, her mum and numerous siblings would crowd round the phone excitedly. The phone conversation would often begin with the girl crying to her mother - About how her 'madam' was forcing her to do 'extra hours'.....About how she often was not given food........About how the 'madam' took most of her money.......etc etc

Surprisingly, her mother would listen patiently and then pass the phone to her siblings. Each of her siblings would then proceed to tell her....
'Sister, dont forget to send my jeans oh'.........
'Sister, dont forget to send my shoes oh'.........
'Sister, my birthday is coming oh'......
.........on and on until the mum took the phone and concluded along the lines of:
'Dont worry my daughter, it shall be well. Try and work hard so we can put our enemies to shame'

So, basically this mother - and siblings - were telling this 'overworked ashewo-of-a-daughter' to bear whatever stress she was under, sell herself to the highest bidder and expose herself to AIDS ...... as long their needs were met. (ashewo = prostitute). God help us !!

 In my opinion, it is not right for able bodied parents to put the load of bringing up their own children on the shoulders of a young son/ daughter.

While I accept the truth in the saying 'He who eats alone, chokes alone'.....I also accept the truth in the saying 'Better to be alone than in bad company'
So, do you think our culture puts unfair pressure on first-born children? Let me know what you think about this...............................

(Part 2 on Friday)
xxxxxxxxxx

The Naija Issue

I know I said I would only blog once a month but events in Nigeria moved me to write this post

I avoid reading blogs - including mine - when I have a tight schedule. However, I checked on my blog today and saw Naijaline's comment in my last post and I decided to address the 'Naija issue'. Thanks Naijalines

My thoughts:

I last addressed the 'Naija conundrum' when Southern Youth Corpers were killed in the North here  Since then, we have seen more deaths, riots, chaos and increasingly staggering levels of corruption.

As a stubborn Fela-listening, Status-Quo-hating, Political Science undergraduate; taking part in students' protests was the norm for me - and my friends. However, some of those friends now occupy political positions and are now doing the same thing we all protested against. Similarly, some acquaintances who were Labour Union activists have now moved into politics - with an accompanying change in ideals.

Political change will only happen if those who are commited to it are not swayed by friends, familiies of finances or fear of discomfort.

If you think of Aung San Suu Kyi , Nelson Mandela ,Gandhi , Martin Luther King...............political change does not come easy

I don't want to preach to anyone.............Each person knows what they can or cannot live with.....

However, my only request is that - if you are a Nigerian - ask yourself:
- Are you willing to die for Nigeria?
- If you enter Nigerian politics, will you do things differently?
- I know quite a few bloggers who come from politically influential families......Do you feel guilty? Do you feel you can be an agent for change? Do you even want things to change?
- If you have a foreign passport, are you willing to hand it in and return to Nigeria to fight for change?


The recent protests accompanying the removal of fuel subsidy reminded me of the student protests we took part in years ago. It also gave me a glimmer of hope that things are changing in Nigeria. However, part of me worries that Nigerians are still easily swayed by money and power.

You think not??????.................Well............
- Think of how Nigerians visit popular Naija websites to sing the praises of ostentatious weddings of the children of prominent Nigerian politicians.
- Think of how we bow down to people who are wealthy but have no visible sources of income.
- Think of how we fight to join the campaign team of any relative or friend who declares his/her intention to run for a political position.
- Think of how we return home from abroad and start bribing, lying, queue-jumping and shoving as soon as we step off the plane

I refuse to sit behind my computer and preach to anyone about what they should or should not do - with regards to making Nigeria a better place to live. All I will say is LOOK WITHIN BEFORE YOU POINT THE FINGER...........then DO WHAT YOU CAN TO CHANGE NIGERIA....TODAY !!!

As I leave, I would like you to view this video of a great African revolutionary - Burkina Faso's Thomas Sankara

A Forced Marriage ?

My mind has been dwelling on how much effort goes into raising a child. From the moment a baby is conceived, all the mother's thoughts and plans revolve around the child - What foods to eat or avoid; What items to buy for the baby; How one will cope with childbirth....and so on.

These thoughts and preparations never end. Indeed, with the birth of each child, one realises that parenthood is another name for 'worry'. One worries about everything - from the mundane to the extraordinary:

One worries about their development - are they walking, talking .....?
One worries about their schooling - is the school good, are they being bullied......?
One worries about their friends - are they good friends, are they a good influence on your kids.......?
One even worries about their future - will they succeed, will they be happy.......?

All this worrying is rooted in the feeling that as a parent, your job is to protect your child. While we pray to God that our children grow up safe, happy and healthy; most parents worry - not because they feel they can control everything in their child's life - but, because they wish to be sure that they are doing their best.

With this in mind.........I ask the question: How will the parents of the murdered Corpers feel right now?

All week I have seen news reports about slain Corpers and I have grieved deeply.

These are children that as babies - were suckled by mothers; as toddlers - were fed by loving parents; as teenagers - were counseled and guided by worrying, adoring relatives; and as young adults - were supported by proud parents who watched them graduate and enter into the job market. Starting with the first act of going off - as educated citizens of Nigeria - to Youth Service.

When they got there, some people decided that - because of politics - these children (someone's most precious assets) deserved to die.

Somewhere in Nigeria, parents are wailing as they look at baby pictures of sons and daughters that they had high hopes for.

Somewhere in Nigeria, mothers are crying because children they held to their bosoms and wished safe journey have now been killed in conditions that even a dog will be spared.

Sadly, these attacks have become the norm.

I recall in the nineties, I went to Maiduguri for my youth service. My guardians who were Igbo had lived there for over a decade and ran a successful restaurant. They appeared settled and content with numerous patrons and friends. However, the year after I left Maiduguri, they returned to the South - their restaurant had been burnt to the ground during one of those riots that targeted Southerners.

Twenty years on......we are still dealing with this. How can we call ourselves Nigerians if we are afraid to travel or stay in certain parts of 'our' country? How can we call our children to 'serve our fatherland' when the nation is torn with discord and rancour?

Political analysts and observers are quick to point out that Nigeria as a country is a colonial abberation - an abnormal collection of tribes and cultures that have little in common. The North - South divide serves as evidence of this.

Increasingly, I see Nigeria as a Forced Marriage - peoples with huge differences who are forcibly brought together and who remain together because of a common asset. In most marriages, this asset may be their shared home, children or finances. However, in Nigeria's case, this is oil.

Like all bad marriages....I now wonder if it is time to call it a day? Are the differences now standing in the way of real progress? Do we owe it to future generations to accept that this marriage is not working....and for the sake of peace - part ways and negotiate a feasible divorce settlement ?

Should we be thinking of a referendum to ask Nigerians the question - 'Should Nigeria be split into two?'

Do let me know what you think.....

PS: 
Nigeriavillagesquare.com is sponsoring a petition for ALL youth corpers serving in these volatile states to......:
        - Be withdrawn immediately, redeployed to other states of  their choosing, or be excused for the rest of the service year. 
        - Be excused from serving as electoral officers in the upcoming governorship elections as we are not convinced that adequate and confirmed security can be provided for them.
AND for the identities of all youth corpers who lost their lives in this violence to be made public. 

You can click here to sign the petition

Rhianna or Remi?

I'm sure you've heard the saying 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'....?

Well, in my experience, this saying rings true for most people who grew up in Nigeria and now live abroad.

It is when you have left home for some time that you truly begin to appreciate some of the simple things you took for granted - like suya; goat meat that actually tastes like goat meat; the earthy smell of sand after the rains; the feverish preparations for Christmas/ New year; the taste of jollof rice cooked over fire-wood; the ability to nip to your tailor and have an outfit specially created for you ................. *sigh*

You might have noticed that I have only highlighted the good memories *smile*

Well, that's a deliberate choice as I prefer good memories to bad ones. This is because the bad memories come alive whenever I return to Naija. *smile*

Anyway, before I digress......one of the things I have done to remind myself - and my kids - of my 'roots' is to give them traditional names. Each child's name was inspired by the events around his birth. I always love explaining what their name means to them because they then have a story to tell their inquisitive friends.

Like my kid's friends, I am also fascinated by the meaning of people's names - and the history behind the names. This is because I often feel that a person's name gives some insight into the parents' thought processes at the time the child was born - What the parents felt like.......What events occured around the time the child was born.........What the parents hoped the child would become in future .......etc

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

While I accept that every parent is entitled to choose their child's name, I have to ask why some Nigerians feel the need to name their kids after flash-in-the pan celebrities and random places, events or things. For example, I have actually come across Naija kids in London named Rhianna, Beyonce, Paris, Nefertiti, Winter and Tiger !!!

Why these names???.....when we have soooo many beautiful Nigerian/ African names to choose from????  Even if one has to choose a western name, I would think the choice of a meaningful  one would be better?

Don't get me wrong, I am not against western names. Indeed, my Catholic parents baptised me with an English name - along with a sackful of traditional names. However, I do find it difficult to understand how some Nigerian parents would prefer to name their precious children after things/ people that have no relationship to them, their culture or their background.

A fellow Nigerian (resident here) once told me that he felt that my decision to give my kids traditional Naija names was wrong! According to this man,  such names would 'hold them back in the western world as teachers and future employers would be biased against them whenever they saw their names'.

When he said this, I defended myself vigorously - saying that their names were chosen because they expressed............in our native language..........exactly how hubby and I felt at the time the kids were born!

I really wish I could run into that man again....to ask him if he's heard about how the name 'Barack Obama' has been an impediment to the personal and professional growth of a certain gentleman from Hawaii!! *smile*

Do let me know your take on this - traditional names or fashionable western names - what's your preference?

The Female Dream - Reality vs Fantasy.........

As the year draws to a close, it is natural to take stock and assess what you have OR have not achieved.

This year has been particularly challenging for myself and quite a number of my friends. While the economic situation has not been great; the biggest challenge for us (myself and my friends) has been finding a way to juggle the demands of family alongside demands from work, extended family members and still keeping our dreams alive!

I was brought up to believe I can be whatever I want to be and have it all (family, career, wonderful husband.....)! However, I have found myself increasingly asking ‘Can a woman really have it all?’

Why? Please let me give you just three instances that have got me wondering:

1. My friend Vicky:
Vicky is an accountant married to a medical researcher. She had a great job in London while her husband was part of a research team here also. However, in April, the funding for her husband’s research got withdrawn and the team had to look for funding elsewhere – or face unemployment.

Luckily, they found a funder –who insisted the research be moved to Sweden! Well, Vicky’s husband has insisted that he is not willing to live a separate life from his family and wants them all in Sweden with him. My friend is distraught as this will mean leaving her job, friends and familiar sorroundings - but she will now be following her husband to a country that she cannot even speak the language...........

2. My second friend Ola:
Ola is an engineer who works with a large organisation outside London as a manager. She is also a mother with two kids aged 2 and 7 respectively. Unfortunately, this year, her youngest child has sufffered from several chest infections and Ola has had to take quite some time off work to nurse her baby. While her husband has been helpful, a large part of this burden has fallen on Ola. As a strong Christain, she has borne this challenge well.

However, Ola is now upset because her bosses recently passed her over for promotion - and promoted her colleague who has less experience than her. She feels this is because this colleague is more flexible (willing to work longer hours and travel more). What really upsets her is that she trained this colleague when he just joined the company!

3. Me!
I am the first to admit that I am ambitious and determined to suceed in whatever I do.
However, earlier this year, when I was offered a job that involved travelling within Europe twice a month; I declined.
My present job involves travelling within the UK sometimes; and this already leaves me feeling guilty whenever I leave my kids. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have snuck out of a meeting to call home to check on the kids. While my male colleagues are still laughing and networking, I am often looking for an opportunity to call home asking - 'Have they brushed their teeth? Have they eaten? Have they done their homework? Have they ......!'

Dont get me wrong, I love my job but I hate the way I have to juggle!


Why this juggling act?
After a long chat with my friends, I do believe the way we bring up girls is totally misleading. Please imagine this scenario of how a typical Naija/African daughter is brought up:

Daughter aged 7 years old: 'Mummy, I'm praying that I want to be a doctor, actress, lawyer, beauty queen, reverend sister, preacher, nun and mum!'

Mother: (smiling) 'Yes, my dear, you can be whatever you want to be. The sky is the limit....just work hard at school!'

 

Daughter aged 14: 'Mum, I got the best grades in school this year!'

Mum: (jubilating) 'Well done my dear! Remember, you can be whatever you want to be if you work hard in school and KEEP AWAY FROM BOYS!'  

Daughter aged 21: 'Mum, I graduated with a First Class degree and my university has offered me a Masters scholarship'

Mum: (excited) 'I'm so proud of you. Remember, you can be whatever you want to be.  I pray you will marry a wonderful husband and the sky will be the limit for both of you.'



                  

Daughter aged 28: 'Mum, I have just finished my PhD and I have been offered a job with a multinational company in ........'

Mum (sighing) 'You never cease to amaze me! I am so proud of you but remember you really should start thinking of getting married. You know your biological clock is now ticking louder.............!'





Daughter aged 35: 'Mum, I have just been made Director of Operations for the whole of Africa. If God is willing, my dream of heading this organisation might come true when our CEO steps down in 3 years time.'

Mum: (resignedly) 'My dear, the only dream you should be having now is finding a husband and having babies as soon as possible.....!'

Well?  Am I wrong?

My experience as a Nigerian girl is that you are sold the dream that you can achieve anything and then as soon as you get past 25, you are reminded that without a husband (and children); a woman has achieved nothing.

I suggested to my friend that we need to be more honest with our little girls i.e. Encourage them to be high achievers, but also tell them that getting married and having children MIGHT limit their ability to pursue their dreams full-time. I believe that this conversation needs to happen with teenage daughters (ideally when aged 15-18 years)

My friend disagreed because she says that this could be discouraging to a little girl -  Killing her dreams and making her feel that womanhood is a burden.

While I accept that this might happen in some cases; I still do believe that we need to be more honest with our daughters. Yes, a woman might have a supportive husband who enables her chase her dream; but the truth is that once you have a child, you feel guilty everytime you put yourself first. At least if our daughters are better informed, one of the things an ambitious girl should be looking for in a potential partner is how supportive he is/ will be!

Do let me know your take on this - Should mothers be honest about the compromises that come with marriage and motherhood OR
Should we let our daughters dream?