All Na Film Trick

PIDGIN ENGLISH VERSION:

Omo see something

Naija don better oh............

See how all the girls dey shine for home video

See how the weddings dey dazzle 

See all the boutiques wey dem dey open 

See how musicians dey chop life

See how politicians dey live large

See how all our actors dey drive big car

Omo things don change oh !

Omo see something

Naija don better oh...........

See how we replace NEPA* with generator

See how we replace water board with bore hole

See how we replace NITEL* with mobile phone

See how we replace better olopa* with high fence

See how we replace Nigerian Airways with anything else

See how we change state schools to poultry shed

Omo things don change oh !

Omo see something

Naija don better oh..........

See how all our pickins dey study for Ghana

See how we export ashewo go everywhere

See how we import Chinese replace Englishman

See how we create 419 brand

See how our big men dey buy all London

See how our girls sabi Brazillian and Indian*

Omo things don change oh !

Omo see something

Naija don better oh..........

Our pickin know all USA states....but no sabi where Damaturu* dey

Our sisi sabi chop strawberry and apple.....but dem forbid agbalumo, udara, otien*..

Our brothers sabi flex Gucci* belt......but deny Hausa* slippers

Our aristos sabi Laboutin* ......but forbid Adire*

Our ajebos sabi Harry Potter and Shakespeare .....but no sabi Achebe or Soyinka*

Dem even get English accent......but dem forbid Pidgin English
Dem ban tribal marks..........but dem love dollar tattoo !

Omo things don change

Make we clap for ourselves. 

Na progress....abi?

ENGLISH VERSION:

My friend, can you believe it?

Nigeria sure has come a long way.............

See all the gorgeous girls in our movies

See how fabulous our weddings are

See all the boutiques being opened daily

See how our musicians are enjoying life

See how our politicians are living large

See how our actors drive flashy car

Nigeria sure has come a long way !

My friends, can you believe it?

Nigeria sure has come a long way..........

Look how we replaced NEPA* with individual generators

Look how we replaced our Water Boards with individual Boreholes

Look how we replaced NITEL* with mobile phones

Look how we replaced good policemen with higher fences

Look how we replaced Nigerian Airways with anything else

Look how we left our state schools to become poultry sheds

Nigeria sure has come a long way !

My friends, can you believe it?

Nigeria sure has come a long way..........

See how our children now go to schools in Ghana

See how we have exported prostitution worldwide

See how we have imported the Chinese to replace the English

See how we have created the 419* brand

See how our rich men own choice properties in London

See how knowledgeable our girls are about weave-on

Nigeria sure has come a long way !

My friend, can you believe it?

                              Nigeria sure has come a long way...........                               Our children know all the USA states ....but have no idea where Damaturu* is

Our girls love eating strawberries and apples.....but shy away from Nigerian cherry fruit

Our brothers wear Gucci* belts........but forbid Hausa-made* footwear

Our aristocrats love Louboutin* shoes .......but will not wear Adire* fabric

Our spoilt children know 'Harry Potter' and 'Shakespeare' .....but don't know Achebe or Soyinka*

They even have English accents ...but forbid Pidgin English

They banned tribal marks.....but they love tattoos of dollars !

Nigeria sure has come a long way......

We deserve a round of applause

This is progress ...............Isn't it ?

GLOSSARY:

NEPA* = National Electric Power Authority (organisation formerly responsible for use of electricity in Nigeria)

NITEL* = Nigerian Telecommunications Limited (main telecommunications company in Nigeria)

olopa* = policeman

419* = Advance Fee Fraud

Brazillian and Indian* = Types of Human Hair extensions

Damaturu* = City in Yobe State

agbalumo, udara, otien* = Traditional names for Nigerian cherry fruit

Gucci* = Italian designer

Hausa* = Ethnic group in Northern Nigeria

Louboutin* = Luxury French designer

Adire* = Yoruba tie and dye cloth

Achebe or Soyinka* = Great Nigerian authors

Mama Peace vs Papa Peace (Part 2)

NOTE:

I wrote the first part of this poem - the wife's side - sometime ago. Read here.

This second part is a response from the man...................................................

I no blame you

See your mouth like mumu.

You no know how I be

Before you agree marry me?

Abegi, I happy to go ! 

My belle dey sweet

Because your wahala be like meat;

Wey don spoil sotay....

People dey smell am from far far away.

Abegi, I happy to go !

You sabi sleep church

But your tafia tooo much.

You even be church leader

But your ashewo no get meter.

Abegi, I happy to go !

Yes, I carry your sister

But you follow my brother.

Yes, I follow Dora

But you kele Pastor.

Abegi, I happy to go !

I even thank God

Say na only Peace be my blood.

The other four go surely go prison

So wetin be my own ?

Yeye woman, I don dey go !

mumu = fool

Abegi = Please (sarcastically)

belle = tummy

wahala = trouble

sotay = so much, so badly

tafia = being nosy, gossiping

ashewo = prostitute

kele = to sleep/ have sex with

wetin = what

yeye = useless

English Version:

I really cannot stand you

With your mouth like a shrew.

You knew what I was

Before you latched onto me with your claws.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go ! 

My mood has now turned sweet

Because your attitude stinks like meat

That has become so putrid

Its smell travels far far afield.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go ! 

You are always the last to leave church

Yet you gossip so much.

In church you are a cornerstone

Yet your promiscuity is well known.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

Yes, I slept with your sister

But you ravished my brother.

Yes, I cheated with Dora

But you seduced the Pastor.

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

I even thank God

That only Peace is truly my  blood.

The other four are surely prison-bound

So why should I hang around? 

Puhleasse..I am glad to go !

My Dearest Pickin

Inspired by Naija parents dealing with badly behaved children abroad

My dearest pickin*

Wetin you learn today

for your spree spree* school?

Una learn to play

or.......how to look cool?

I see you learn well well

how to behave like fool.

And even open mouth tell

me.......say I be 'old school'.

I see say you no fit pass

Maths and English.

But you sabi harass

your classmates and teachers 

I even see say you get zero

when dem give una test.

Yet you be hero

to your useless friends

The other day you complain

say you go call olopa*

because I bring out my special cane

to whip you yeye* yansh*

My dearest pickin

I rather die

Than to see you begin

become thief and lie lie.

So, abeg come carry phone

because I ready to go prison

I no wan leave you alone

but my cane go make you see reason.

My dearest, yeye pickin

*pickin: child
*spree spree: speaking with a foreign accent
*olopa: police 
*yeye: nonsense, stupid
*yansh: backside

Mama Peace vs Papa Peace (Part 1)

Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

Pidgin version:

I no dey vex.....

but I don tire

and I wan rest

from your palaver.

Abeg come dey go !

Your own don too much......

you carri my own sister,

then you follow Dora from church;

and even give belle to our neighbour

Abeg come dey go !

Everyday I dey fast and pray.......

and pretend say I no see,

just make you for stay

so people no go laff me.

Abeg come dey go !

Your cup don full......

I don see say you no go change

and I don begin look like fool,

wey just dey manage.

Abeg come dey go !

E no easy to bear......

to separate no be small ting.

Five pickin and marriage of twenty year

na real big ting.

But, abeg come dey go !

But, come make I tell you one ting

before you go.

Out of all our five pickin

Na only Peace be your own.

NOW, come dey go !

English version:

I really am not vexed....

but I am fed up

and I want a rest

from all your trouble.

Please go !

You behaviour is a bit much...

You slept with my sister,

ravaged Dora from church

and then, impregnated our neighbour.

Please go !

Everyday I fast and pray....

and pretend that I am blind

to your sneaky ways

so I can save this sham marriage.

But, please go !

Your cup is truly full....

because I now see you are no gent

and I have begun to look like a fool

who accepts a man who will never repent.

Please go !

This is hard for me, yes ....

separation is not an easy decision.

Five children and twenty years

makes this moment grief-laden.

However, please go !

But, I must tell you one thing....

before you disappear into the blue.

Amongst our five offspring

Only Peace is really for you

Now, just go !

*Inspired by dysfunctional relationships*

Big Man Abroad

A Pidgin English poem inspired by some Naija boys in London:

I no fit tell you
The things wey I don do
Since I leave there,
To come here
To this land of Oyinbo.

I no fit tell una
The places wey I don waka,
Or the insult wey I don hear
Since I land here
For this land of Oyinbo.

I no fit even try
Tell you how I don cry
When I remember
How Naija dey groove for December
Unlike this land of Oyinbo.

But I no fit complain
Because na me carry myself enter plane
With my fine, fine dress
As I come find progress
For this land of Oyinbo.

In fact, I fit tell you say since I land
For this nonsense England,
My brother don fit finish school
And my people fit chop belle-ful
Becos of money from land of Oyinbo.

I fit even tell you say because of my sweat,
My papa don build big house with inside toilet
And all the people for village
Come dey pay am homage
Because im get son wey be big man for land of Oyinbo.

But I get to hala
My dear sister and brother
Because I don tire
For this my lonely waka
For this land of Oyinbo

I true true wan return home
But I dey fear to come
Because una fit laugh me
When una finally see
Say I really be small man from land of Oyinbo.

by Naijamum