I first challenged this belief here and I still believe this is one of the reasons Nigeria has not realised her full potential. Why are we still hearing the same names in politics? It is only in Nigeria we have 'Youth Leaders' who are aged 45 years and above...............While I accept that most elders have knowledge and experience beyond that of most young people, I also feel that age often comes with caution and older people are more accepting of the status quo. Over the years, most revolutions, inventions and innovations have been delivered by young people. This is because they are still restless enough to ask questions that preempt drastic change, for example ...
'Why is this situation like this?' OR 'How can we make it better/ easier/ faster...?'
A society that ignores its young minds is not ready for progress. While I accept the saying 'What an elder sees sitting down, a child will not see standing up'.....I also agree with the saying 'Age considers; youth ventures' (Rabindranath Tagore)
(3) A childless woman has no value
A lot of women are often made to feel worthless because they are unable to have babies. This is so so wrong. While I accept this is not exclusive to Nigerian culture; I must say that Nigerians are not diplomatic in their disrespect for childless women.It doesn't seem to matter ......
Whether the woman has discovered the cure for cancer......OR
Whether she has being to space.............OR
Whether she has being awarded a Nobel prize...........OR
Whether she has even been instrumental in the cessation of war or conflict
.......If she never born she no be person (if she hasnt had a child she is not worth much)
I am always amazed when parents who have brought up their daughters to be principled start panicking when the married/unmarried daughter-without-a-child gets to her mid-thirties.
In some cases I have seen these same parents advice their daughter to 'Just have a child before it's too late'. While I attempt to understand their concern; I cant help but despair because (a) It places the women under so much pressure and (b) It makes all their other achievements seem unimportant
(4) Preference for male or female children
I'm sure we all know of cases where supposedly educated Nigerian men complain that their wives have failed to produce a male child - conveniently forgetting all the Biology lessons they had in secondary school (that it is the father that provides the chromosome that determines the gender of a child).
Preference for female children: Similarly, I am always told that 'I must have a girl because girls are more likely to take care of me when I am old'..............How can one predict that? I know daughters who are cold towards their parents and shower more affection on their in laws..........and I know boys who jump whenever their parents need something...
All I know is as I cannot predict the future and see whether my boys will 'take care of me in my old age' ............Also, I cannot keep on having children in an endless quest for a daughter. So, I will love the ones I'm blessed with wholeheartedly. Today has enough worries, let tomorrow take care of itself LOL
So...........
Do you feel our Nigerian culture ignores the voice of the young and listens only to the elderly.....??
Do you feel motherhood is the only way a woman can truly be judged as a success.......???
Finally, do you feel young Nigerians still consider the gender of their children as cause for worry........(i.e is there still a preference for female or male children) ???
Stay blessed and see you next Friday for my final post on this topic
xxxxxx
1)I think there are a lot of 'educated' illiterates around.
ReplyDelete2)I feel Nigeria seems like a game to the older leaders who feel recycling themselves is the only way to go.
3)Motherhood is certainly not the only way a woman can be deemed successful.
4)As for Nigerians being particular about gender, I think people are getting more open minded and it's not as bad as it used to be.
Thanks for your comments Toin
DeleteI totally agree with your comment about 'educated illiterates' LOL
God bless you, NIL!
ReplyDeleteOn “elders are always right”, I agree. While I agree that it is good to have a culture that encourages respect for elders, I don’t understand why we should ignore the voice of younger people in Nigeria when it is obvious that most of the problems our country is facing stem from the bad (and really selfish) decisions of the “elders”.
On “a childless woman has no value”, I totally agree! I pray that every woman who desires a child should be able to have one. But the majority of people in our society seem to think it is a compulsion. And many people have no decorum or sensitivity. If you’ve been married for some time and there’s no child, people start asking you the most intrusive questions as if they have the right to. It is annoying. Do people even know if it’s by choice (yes! I said “choice”!)? And if the couple really can’t, is having children the evidence of a life well-lived? I get really agitated about this topic because I know a few couples without children and one of the things that they say is most painful is the gross insensitivity that our people exhibit. It’s the same thing way we treat unmarried people (especially women). Again, I pray people enjoy the pleasure of marriage if that is their desire. But can we please just leave single people alone? Especially if they did not come to your door to come and ask for your opinion about their “singleness”?
As for “preference for male of female children”, mmm… This is especially if you have only female children. People completely forget biology and the woman is usually under pressure to have a son. And it’s funny that most of the people who put the pressure on are women (from your mother to your mother-in-law, aunties, sisters and sister-in-law, etc). That said, this seems to have improved over the years. I hope that one day, it will get through to even more people.
I feel you OS re '..But the majority of people in our society seem to think it is a compulsion'
DeleteI also agree that Naija people can be really tactless when addressing childless couples. I quickly realised that a quick retort is often all one needs. Politeness can be taken advantage off. LOL
However, like you said, its often women who put other women under pressure. Really sad.
Thanks my sistah
I was nodding my head as i read....agreeing with you all the way.
ReplyDeleteThe 'cycle of belief' is gradually broken due to some factors... like the economy situation and technology and awareness...though it will take a while, we would get there.
An insight post as usual 9jamum.
Thanks Mee
DeleteI love your optimism. I hope this will rub off on me. LOL
Hope all is well my sistah
xxx
These norms/beliefs are sewn into the fabric of our society. People's view of them are changing yes,howbeit slowly.
ReplyDeleteIf only the 'elderstate men' of nigerian society would listen,the youths in our country have a lot they can contribute positively to our country. An elder doesn't always know the best.
I came across a woman recently who told her doctor that she wld continue getting pregnant and keep having a CS till she has a boy. And yes she's edcated,and knows this decision would put her life at risk.
Even with change there will still be those that would still be dogged about these norms.
*Mouth open* re: the woman who wants a boy! In this day and age????
DeleteSo so sad
May God help her so she doesnt leave her children motherless
xxx
1) Yes- My father told me on a recent visit to Nigeria that the government is waiting for my generation to revolt, but he feels we are too overexposed and unambitious. The current leaders will NEVER think to give us the respect we deserve, we have to DEMAND it. Unfortunately we are too busy with social media, Designer bags and empty air of individual importance.
ReplyDelete2)In Nigeria? Yes indeed. the fact that it's a prevalent aspect of our culture doesn't make it right. I think we have to start with women though, we are way too cruel to our own kind.
3) Yes ... I personally will love to have both male and female. Just because. lol.
I kinda agree with your dad.
DeleteI do feel the young are not as politically active as they should be.
I totally agree also that women can be sooo cruel to one another.
LOL @ 'just because' Amen and amen oh
Stay blessed
xxx
As I said in my 'Mrs Pressured' post, a woman should not be defined by her kids. A woman is valuable, with or without kids. I so hate people defining women by the names of their children like 'mama tope' or 'mama chichi'
ReplyDeleteI agree that a woman is valuable without her kids.
DeleteHowever, I dont really think calling someone 'Mama X' or 'Mama Y' is defining the woman.
In my experience, it's often to identify who they are.
Even over here....especially at school functions, people identify me with my kids' names i.e Mum of X in Year 1
Thanks dearie
Reminds me of Baba Segi's wives. Iya Segi, Iya Tope, Iya Femi and Bolanle (the childless one).
DeleteAnd we miss the point that Bolanle was the only one identified in her own right! So after Segi's death if Iya Segi had no other kid what would she answer to? Iya of the late Segi, The Iya formerly known as Iya Segi (tic)
Do you feel our Nigerian culture ignores the voice of the young and listens only to the elderly.....??
ReplyDeleteI remember when I was in secondary school I always heard or read in newspapers a popular mantra by politicians, "the youths are the leaders of tomorrow". Fast forward many many years later and that mantra is far from the truth. It's either they didn't believe in what they were saying or they didn't understand what it meant. We will only raise leaders of tomorrow by investing in them today and that is by giving them sound education but I don't mean education in its current state because it is nothing short of shambolic to say the least.
Do you feel motherhood is the only way a woman can truly be judged as a success.......???
The issue of motherhood is one that we Nigerians need to take responsibility for (men and women inclusive). In my view, the Nigerian society sees women primarily as objects of sex and childbirth instead of love and companion. We all need education and plenty of it, if we would have any faint hopes of redressing this outdated way of thinking.
Finally, do you feel young Nigerians still consider the gender of their children as cause for worry........(i.e is there still a preference for female or male children) ???
Just like you NIL, I have 2 boys and have got no plans of adding another. But then people have made similar remarks about how my wife needs a girl child - someone who will look after her when she gets old! What a load of rubbish. Our people really need to move on because the rest of the world have. The gender of a child doesn't guarantee anything, our focus should be what we can do raise our children to be good human beings and hopefully will grow up as good leaders that we desperately need to save Nigeria from the current mess we find ourselves.
Great post!!!
*Nodding my head* re: ' We will only raise leaders of tomorrow by investing in them today and that is by giving them sound education'
DeleteThat really saddens me
Also agree that ' ....the Nigerian society sees women primarily as objects of sex and childbirth instead of love and companion' The women dont help matters also as they pressurise their daughters to marry as soon as they graduate.
Like you, I feel gender of a child does not define how supportive they will be of their parents.
Thanks sir
xxxx
Totally agree on all three points and each time I keep wondering how things will ever change. I thought as my age mates grew up and got educated we would become more critical and rounded in our thinking and phase out some of these old notions.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, we have begun to spout the same arguments as the old guard as why we should stick to these archaic traditions. And now I'm less hopeful that things will change in politics, even when the old cabals go off.
Like you Myne, I feel so sad that things just seem to remain the same.
DeleteThanks for dropping by
xxx
Sadly, all of the above are true here in Nigeria and depending on where you are geographically or ''educationally'' it gets worse. What amazes me is that even among our own peers, such thinking still prevails so me hoping that it will die out with the older generations is beginning to look very slim. These crazy beliefs have been passed down......Like Myne, not sure when we will be free of such........All I can do, all you can do, is be sure it ends with us, in our families. Abi?
ReplyDeleteI totally agree that 'All I can do, all you can do, is be sure it ends with us, in our families. Abi?'
DeleteToo true. That's all we can do my sistah!
Thanks for dropping by
xxxx
Do you feel our Nigerian culture ignores the voice of the young and listens only to the elderly? yes, and when they do allow the young to input, its in the irrelevant areas.
ReplyDeleteDo you feel motherhood is the only way a woman can truly be judged as a success? I cant even begin to say my mind on this one, motherhood is a different thing and success is different. how one can be used to judge the other still confuses me
Do you feel young Nigerians still consider the gender of their children as cause for worry? absolutely. a very educated young man told me recently that he would have married another wife if his wife had delivered a female child again. SMH
I really did shake my head when I read the part of the man threatening to marry another wife. So sad. So much pain over inconsequential issues. Thanks dearie.
Deletexxxx
Yes, yes and yes, this culture ignores the voice of the young. Elders are not always right but if I say that in public I'll come across as being a rude "omo ti o l'eko" and I think that's the problem, no one wants to be branded. I guess it will start with us teaching our children to speak up in the most polite of ways whenever they have a better suggestion than the elders.
ReplyDeleteA childless woman (who wants children). It's a tough one and as you rightly said it's not peculiar to Nigeria but the difference between Nigeria and developed countries is the stigma associated with adoption. So she feels bad that she can't have a child and fears for the child she may want to adopt. Tough one but to answer the question, motherhood is not the only way a woman can truly be judged a success.
I feel the gender preference is reducing, maybe cos I have several couples around me who don't make it an issue BUT people want differen genders for other reasons apart from the ones you put up. My friend wants a girl so she can dress her up and buy her any and every pink thing! She's said nothing about female children taking care of the parents later.
LOL @ your friend and pink. She is too funny.
DeleteWhat will she do if she has only boys then? LOL
thanks for dropping by
xxxx
We def need fresh blood in politics in that country. Having said that, let's look at the UK and the US (for example) they don't necessarily have really young peopl ein power.. or do they? I must say I haven't done my research but from looks, David Cameron, Gordon Brown, Obama, Tony Blair.. not young.. but not as old as out politicians either. But we def need fresh blood.
ReplyDeleteAs for kids in marriage and male children... lol i am not married yet and the discussions have started. I know I can be unreasonable sometimes but at the end of the day it is me and my husband's business. I foutsiders are poking too much I wouldn't hesistate to ignore them. I know it is easier said than done.. *sigh*
*Nodding* re 'easier said than done. Absolutely.
DeleteThat is serious pressure..............LOL
Hope all is well
xxx
Do you feel our Nigerian culture ignores the voice of the young and listens only to the elderly?? Yes. chilidren are meant to be seen not heard. The definition of a child 0-30yrs or any age before marriage.
ReplyDeleteDo you feel motherhood is the only way a woman can truly be judged as a success.......???
Of course not. And we have the Oprahs, Hilary Clintons and Condoleeza Rice to prove it.
Finally, do you feel young Nigerians still consider the gender of their children as cause for worry........(i.e is there still a preference for female or male children)???
YES!!! and its so frustrating when it is the female giving themselves that burden. My gf has 2 girls. Hubby says he is alright with 2 kids boy or girl but babe is on with plans for child 3. What if it is not a boy???
I'm a Dutch girl living in my home country in Belgium. But, since one year, I live together with my Nigerian boyfriend. I don't know enough yet to answer your questions here, but I'm very interested in reading things like this all the time. Sometimes it gives a better insight in where he comes from.
ReplyDelete