Friday, 22 July 2011

Recognising your own Worth

Quite a few blogs I have read recently have been talking about marriage. Most female bloggers seem to be complaining about a lack of suitors.....and the male bloggers seem to be lamenting that the women they meet lack that ‘something special’

This has got me thinking a bit......and my thoughts keep dwelling on what I feel quite a lot of single girls (I have come across) seem to lack. While I know this post might get a few ladies angry with me. However, I am determined to say my piece because....if I had a daughter, this is a conversation I would have with her.

Before I begin, I have to say that marriage is not for everyone......However, quite a lot people still believe it is............So, here goes:

My observation is that a lot of girls I have met/ spoken to/ watched grow up do not seem to know their worth.

By that, I mean they do not appreciate that a good wife is an asset to a man........ and it is the men that should be desperate to get their hands on a good wife. Don't get me wrong, I do realise that men generally do not realise this. However, more often than not, the people around them (mothers, dads, sisters etc) are very good at pointing good wife material out to them.

A tale about my good friend will explain further:
My friend was in a bad marriage. Most people thought she should have stayed with her husband - especially as they had three kids together; but she knew she was worth so much more. So, she took a decision to leave her husband. Well, three years later, she met a man who loved her and her kids. Long story short, they got married and she had twins............!!!!
Source: http://www.fotosearch.com/

She is not by any means my only friend who has been 'snapped up' .....even after being married and having kids.........In fact I have three friends who are in the same boat. When I look at them....I can see that they share similar personalities: They are all happy, cheerful women who don't let life get them down. These ladies knew their worth...and project it. These women are real DIAMONDS - rare and valuable.

Most men I know don't like stress at all. They want an easy life....and if they feel a woman will facilitate this easy life, they will go after her. To be clear, I am not saying that a woman should be subservient to a man. However, from experience; a woman who realises she is a diamond....and would be an invaluable addition to a man's life.....is more often than not 'snapped up' without any delay.

People always say 'Women are always desperately trying to snare good men'....To be honest, women need to know that a lot of men are desperately seeking good women:

My definition of a good woman (in relation to marriage/ romantic relationships):
- A good woman knows how to manage a home for £10 or for £100;
- A good woman knows how to feed 10 or 100 people with the little she has;
- A good woman makes sure the kids eat even when the cupboards are bare;
- A good woman know when/ how to cover her husband/partner's inadequacies from other family members;
- A good woman knows what to say or do when her husband/partner is down;
- A good woman knows how to make her home an oasis of peace from the big, bad world.

So, if I had a daughter, my message to her would be 'Know your worth, Project it ........and Believe it. If you believe you are a valuable asset, others will too. Like I said before, marriage is not for everyone. However, girls really need to get over this idea that a man is doing them a favour - by marrying them. To be honest, IF you are a diamond....you are doing him a favour !


PS:
................ I asked my good friend - whose experience I used here - to read this post. She's quite reserved, but this was her reply (in an email) :

........'Read ur blog. Lol. A precious gem who knows her worth!!! Moi. 
        Was a good read and oh, so true. Women these days are desperate to be 'Mrs', they are taking absolute rubbish from men who dont and can't even hold a candle to them. Pschewww!'



43 comments:

  1. Here here!
    Just this week I was discussing with some friends about how to get a man to notice them. Some of the ladies started to strategise. Lol. I had to stop them and emphasise that it takes a lot less to attract a man. Being yourself and being confident in who you are goes a lot further than any strategy you can device. All those qualities you mentioned, which are so easily discarded by the modern day career woman, are actually the key ingredients.

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  2. Amen and amen again for good measure! Its sad that so many women think that they need a man to make them whole or worthwhile. Its even worse that men are all to eager to make women believe that they are doing them a favor by marrying them.

    My mother always told me that whomever i form a relationship with had better be man enough and see well enough to know that he is lucky to be with me, and that i equally should be appreciative of him. If that desire, appreciation and love is not there on both sides, its never gonna work.

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  3. I love the message... I think we women have difficulty recognizing our worth because we have so much self-esteem issues that are caused by the media (I like to assign blame :-p) We always have to compare ourselves to the girls in magazines and Hollywood. And when we realize that we don't measure up to them, we think of ourselves as worthless. This is why you can find a girl jumping up and down just because a man looked at her and smiled. :-/

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  4. P.S: Your friends have gut. It's like you surround yourself with positive and courageous people. I like that.

    Did you comment twice on Linda Ikeji's post about her genital mutilation? If you did, then hahahaha at your second comment.

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  5. I totally agree with you o.

    Mmmmh... This marriage matter sha. It wears me out to see desperation in both camps (male or female) but what can one say? If you talk too much about women recognizing their self worth, the daggers come out.

    Good women are in serious high demand! In fact, one of my male friends still called me over the weekend on this matter. And he's a good man o. If you want his specs, I will send them to you. And in the same vein, I have one very good woman too sef. No, can't match them - different social interests. LOL!

    Sorry, N.I.L., I just had to advertise for free here seeing we're talking marriage *cheeky smile*

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  6. I love your definitions of a good woman. it's just a pity that most ladies don't think of these things and instead allow other things to define them.you basically summarized the whole thing by your emphasis on knowing our worth as ladies. That's the most important thing that will attract a good man.

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  7. I don't think you will be offending anyone o, cos what you said is very true. A good woman has all the qualities you mentioned. It might not be easy to be 'snapped up', especially whenyou have gone too deep. But it is necessary most times. Thanks

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  8. LOL and I was about to put a post on marriage today. I guess I'll relax and put it next week.

    The case of your friends is really simple. There was a time that they thought that was all to life, getting married. And they just happened to get married to the wrong person. After they pulled out, they decided to work on themselves, face their lives like that was the most important thing in the world. And that's when they truly found the right one that really deserved them.

    I really like how you pointed out here that everybody wants a good thing. It doesn't really matter if you're a woman or a man. If you believe you're something worth having, you don't need to strive to tie yourself down on someone, they'll work hard to keep you. Just work on yourself, that's all that you need to put your efforts on.
    Nice post as usu :)

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  9. This is a very good post and i completely agree. Most of us women don't realise we deserve better, sometimes from pressure to just settle and join the married wagon.....

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  10. Lol @MsJB, I also wanted to put up a post tonight about the same marriage palava before I came across this one, I`d just shove mine and wait for yours next week.
    @Naijamum, this is so straight to the point with the message right in your face. My mum would always tell me if you make yourself look unworthy to a man he`d treat you as such and if you exude the beauty of a precious stone, he`d treat you like a rare gem. All in all like you said both men and women should know their worth and project it too.

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  11. O yes! You have said it all and more! This is a well written post!

    I agree with your definitions of a good woman. These are the same qualities portrayed in Proverbs 31. If a woman knows her worth, she will definitely appreciate herself and have more self confidence.

    Have a blessed weekend!

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  12. Whoever gets offended by the truth definitely needs to check herself.

    I think alot of people are blinded by the wrong information they get from the media hence they cant seperate reality from make believe!

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  13. True talk. On point.Am an asset, a diamond for the MAN that will marry me.

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  14. BRAVO! BRAVO! BRAVO!! :p

    P.s.....what about the stupid ones that go after married men???...THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR WORTH, HENCE PLAY THE 2ND FIDDLE!....what a pity!

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  15. Just read all the comments...@PRISM, gbam!.. we have been stereotyped!..so much expected from us!

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  16. Well said... this is such a perfect message, I have no jara to add. As inexperienced on this topic as I am, I believe people receive you the way you present yourself.
    A little story, first year of university, little me had just turned 18 leaving Daddys nest to venture in this cold Canada alone, my dad had always raised me with the notion of "whatever a man can PROMISE you, I can triple it with you just asking me" so i have never been impressed with peoples "bigness" anyways...first year I was hanging with people and one of the supposed Big boys (he was in his 3rd year) told me "sit your ass down" I looked at him and I flipped, in front of all his other "big friends", told him never to talk about my backside or be rude to me again for the rest of his silly life. I didn't talk to him for about 2 years after that incident, and I think I branded myself there and then and the reputation of a "no disrespect" chick is what people still see today.

    cheiiii.. that was long sha oo.. sorry .

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  17. Thank You Very much! U couldn't have said it better! The earlier ladies realise this, the better for them. A man is NOT doing you a favor by marrying you!


    HoneyDame
    honeydame1.blogspot.com

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  18. Well said NIL. I admire your three friends for leaving bad marriages despite already having kids. I don't understand how women (esp. here in the UK with so many resources available for DV victims,) can stay in abusive marriages 'for the sake of the kids.' Having a healthy self-esteem is invaluable for both men and women, with that in place, people wouldn't settle for less than they are worth. I know there is a lot of external pressure on single ladies of a certain age to get married,but it is better to be single than to be unhappily married. Just my opinion.

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  19. Perfect! Thanks for sharing.

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  20. No matter how hard we try, it is impossible to apply one size fits all definition of marriage to everyone. What works for one individual may not necessarily work for another. Whilst recognising your self-worth, that needs to be balanced against the other party's self worth. Remember marriage is for two people not one and everyone's self worth is equally important.

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  21. I loved your real life stories about your friends who got to rebuild their life even after a divorce and kids. Ladies need to hear more of such. I think parents/mothers especially have a big share in buildin up their daughters so they dont grow up
    needing men to validate them.

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  22. Different men want different things but I think you've listed the major xtics any woman needs for herself, married or not.

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  23. Really good post. One problem I think a lot of young ladies have is families who treat them like they're less until they have a man. It takes a lot of courage to thrive under such conditions

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  24. Post very much on point... a lot of ladies really need to value themselves. no bargaining on that, the value you place on yourself is what the others will see.

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  25. It's the naija culture that says a woman is nothing unless appendaged to a man. The girls get their sense of self worth from that. It is up to us to value ourselves and teach our daughters to do the same. Great message!

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  26. word word word! as usual!

    This is so truee...knowing our worth also means we know when you build up our worth if we are lacking worth so we can shine to the right person (if my rambling makes sense).. lol

    i like.

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  27. :-)..I love the last line oh..I am doing him a favour.whearas if he is good too, we are both doing each other a favour by getting married..

    Wow @ ur friends..I use to think single moms find it hard to remarry, but when God is with you then why not.

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  28. I've noticed this too- too many women are desperate to be 'Mrs' so they settle for what they don't deserve. This knowing your worth and having a high self esteem thing cannot be overemphasized oh! I'm all for those women who left, despite the kids they had. More grease to their elbows and all.

    Adiya
    Muse Origins
    Muse Origins (Creative Nigerian Features)

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  29. Not to be the sand in the collective gari but....

    Why is advice in blog posts like this always geared towards telling women how they can be helpful to men.

    I have never in my life come across a blog post or article advising men to know their worth or telling them how they can be helpful to women.

    Just putting that out there.

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  30. This has been said several times before but I figure it is something that we all need to remind ourselves about from time to time.

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  31. @Ms.Buki
    LOL @'Some of the ladies started to strategise'
    I totally agree with you when you said 'Being yourself and being confident in who you are goes a lot further than any strategy you can device'
    My sister, you also hit the nail on the head when you said the qualities I mentioned are often derided by career women. In my experience, it is the woman that holds a home together.
    Thanks my sister. Good luck in your new journey
    xoxoxox


    @LadyNgo
    I agree with you my sister that 'Its even worse that men are all to eager to make women believe that they are doing them a favor by marrying them'
    Your mother gave you good advice. Appreciation should be reciprocal.
    Both sides a part to play. Well said my sister.
    Thank for that.
    I hope you are having a great summer



    @Prism
    *Nodding* re: '.....we women have difficulty recognizing our worth because we have so much self-esteem issues'
    I wont blame the media alone though LOL
    I would blame family sructure, culture and women themselves. Women are often more critical of other women.
    LOl @' This is why you can find a girl jumping up and down just because a man looked at her and smiled' So true.
    As usual, insightful comments. Thanks
    PS- I am praying your 'journey' will be as painless as poss xoxoxoxo


    @Prism
    Re: My friends......Thanks so much
    Positivity breeds positivity
    Please see the update I posted (my friend's reaction)

    @os
    LOL @'It wears me out to see desperation in both camps (male or female) but what can one say?'
    I feel you when you said the ' daggers come out'
    I have been on the receiving end countless times. LOL

    *LOL and holding my belly* re: Your matchmaking skills. You are a GOOD friend.
    Sharp woman! I should charge you for using this space to advertise. LOL
    Have a blessed weekend and I wish you a peaceful and fruitful week. Amen


    @stelzz
    *Nodding* re: .......'it's just a pity that most ladies don't think of these things and instead allow other things to define them'
    My sister. i tire oh.
    Like you said, knowing your worth will def attract a good man...........and even boost one's self esteem.
    Thanks my sistah
    xoxoxox

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  32. @ilola
    Totally agree re: ' It might not be easy to be 'snapped up', especially whenyou have gone too deep'
    The key is always checking oneself and adjusting behaviours/ attitudes to make sure one's self-esteem is NEVER eroded by others.
    Thanks my sistah
    Hope all is well with you.


    @ MsJB
    LOL @ I guess I'll relax and put it next week.
    I guess great minds think alike

    You have hit the nail on the head when you said 'And that's when they truly found the right one that really deserved them'

    Yes.....I am glad you got my message that 'everybody wants a good thing. It doesn't really matter if you're a woman or a man'
    That is my underlying message. Women should stop assuming the man is doing them a favour.

    Thanks sooo much for your comments. Hope all is well.
    Keep the tunes coming. Great job


    @Rebirth
    Totally agree re:...........'sometimes from pressure to just settle and join the married wagon.....'
    Well put
    I guess it's up to each one of us to become empowered and decide on what is best for one.
    Thanks. I'm popping over to your blog
    xoxox


    @Coy~Introvert
    LOL @ Marriage post
    Please put it up now
    I love to hear different view-points
    Your mum was on point that 'if you exude the beauty of a precious stone, he`d treat you like a rare gem'
    I'm glad that the message that ...'both men and women should know their worth and project it' came to you.
    Thanks my dear


    @Dee!
    *Nodding* re qualities of a good woman
    You have said it all when you mentioned how self confidence is key
    Thanks so much and I hope you have a good weekend
    xoxoxox


    @P.E.T. Projects said...
    LOL @'Whoever gets offended by the truth definitely needs to check herself'
    My sistah...you'll be surprised at how many will take offence at such a message
    You are right that media messages have misled people.
    LOL @'........ they cant seperate reality from make believe!' True
    Thanks my sister

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  33. @ Anonymous
    You have summarised my post well: 'Am an asset, a diamond for the MAN that will marry me'
    Finito. LOL
    Thanks for dropping by.
    Have a great weekend


    @Ibhade
    Thank you my sister
    LOL @ 'what about the stupid ones that go after married men???
    Totally agree that 'THEY DON'T KNOW THEIR WORTH, HENCE PLAY THE 2ND FIDDLE!

    Like you, I agree with Prism that 'we have been stereotyped!
    I am hoping that the new generation of mothers (like you and me) will help change our daughters/nieces' way of thinking
    Thanks my sister
    Hope you have a blessed week


    @9jaFOODie
    LOL @'As inexperienced on this topic as I am......'
    But, you have made a valid point when you said 'I believe people receive you the way you present yourself'
    Your story about the guys in university just shows how important upbringing is to a woman's self-worth.
    Unfortunately a lot of girls are still being raised to believe they are second best + they need a man to validate them. Truly sad.
    Abeg e no long LOL
    Thanks for taking the time to share your story. It really illustrates the importance of self-esteem well
    Thanks my sister
    xoxoxo


    @NikkiSho
    Thanks NK. Glad it made sense to you
    Hope all is well


    @Honeydame
    Yes oh.......re: 'A man is NOT doing you a favor by marrying you!'
    That is my message oh
    Hope all is well with you
    xoxoxoxo


    @Joxy
    Yes oh, my friends are quite strong.
    Like you, I still cannot understand why 'I don't understand how women can stay in abusive marriages 'for the sake of the kids.'
    One lady I know said she has refused to call the police when she has been a victim of DV......because 'She doesnt want to cause a scene' This is coming from someone whose hubby hurts her in front of their kid
    *sigh*
    I feel you re: 'external pressure on single ladies of a certain age to get married'
    That is a serious challenge and it really takes a strong person to ignore these pressures.
    Thanks my sister.
    Have a great weekend
    xoxoxo

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  34. @Triumphant
    Thanks for dropping by
    xoxoxo

    @ Naija4Life
    I do think you have misunderstood my message
    I am not prescribing a one-size-fit-all message here
    My message is about recognizing one's self worth as a way of gaining enough self-confidence.
    Self-confidence is important
    I do agree that 'What works for one individual may not necessarily work for another'

    However, in all my years on this earth....I am yet to see a case where Self-esteem has not been beneficial to a person's personal and professional progress.

    You mentioned 'Remember marriage is for two people not one and everyone's self worth is equally important' Again, I think you have missed my message...this post is not about marriage per se...The message is all about women building their self-esteem so they can be in a good place to (a) Decide if marriage is for them OR (b) Attract the right person who deserves them AND (c) Realise that the person who marries them is not doing them a favour....it is actually the other way round.
    Hope this clears things up. Thanks


    @Ginger
    Agreed that ' Ladies need to hear more of such'
    Absolutely
    Gbam, gbam and double-gbam re: 'mothers especially have a big share in buildin up their daughters so they dont grow up needing men to validate them'
    That is EXACTLY the message I was trying to get through
    I'm glad it spoke to you
    Thanks my sistah
    xoxoxoxo



    @Myne Whitman
    Thanks Myne
    Absolutely agree that 'Different men want different things'
    However, my message wasnt really intended to tell the women what the men want..........and that they should mould themselves to suit men's requirements.
    My post was to tell the woman that their self-worth should be paramount. What men want always changes.....so it really shouldnt be the most important consideration for a woman.
    Thanks Myne
    Hope all is well


    @Olusola
    Totally agree re: '....is families who treat them like they're less until they have a man'
    It truly takes a lot of courage to take a stand.
    Well said
    Thanks for dropping by
    Hope all is well with you
    xoxoxo

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  35. Loved this! I have taken note.

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  36. It takes a lot of courage to thrive under such @Lara
    Thanks Lara
    Totally agree re: ' ...... a lot of ladies really need to value themselves'
    You are totally right that women who value themselves attract respect. Couldnt put it better myself
    Thanks sis


    @Adura Ojo
    I hear you re: ' the naija culture that says a woman is nothing unless appendaged to a man'
    Like you said, it is up to us to 'teach our daughters to do the same'
    Thanks sister
    PS - Your pepper soup is still on my mind LOL
    xoxoxoxox


    @angelsbeauty
    Thanks sis
    LOL @'You ramblings'
    You def make sense......: Know your worth is key so that if you lack it, you can recognise it, build it and then attract the right person (if you want to )
    GOT IT LOL
    Thanks sis


    @Unveilinggold
    Glad to hear my message came through
    You are spot on when you said '.I am doing him a favour.......whearas if he is good too, we are both doing each other a favour by getting married.'

    Re: My friends.....believe me confident, hard-working and loving women are VERY attractive. Kids or no kids :)))
    Hope all is well.

    @LG
    I agree with some parts of what Naija4Life said....However, I do feel she misunderstood my message this time (Please see my response above)
    Thanks for dropping
    have a fab weekend


    @Muse Origins
    Thank you my sister re: 'This knowing your worth and having a high self esteem thing cannot be overemphasized oh!'
    Like you, I doff my hat to my courageous friends. It was not easy BUT they have triumphed and they are good role-models to their kids (their daughters especially)
    Thanks my sister
    Hope all is well with you
    xoxoxox



    @Sugabelly
    LOL @'Not to be the sand in the collective gari'

    However I do think you have TOTALLY misunderstood my post and I believe you have not read it or you have read it with a preconceived conclusion (as to what my message was)

    My advice here is definitely not geared at 'telling women how they can be helpful to men'

    My advice was very clear and it was a
    (a) Marriage is not for everyone
    (b) A lot of girls are too desperate to get married
    (c) Women must recognise their own self-worth
    (d) Recognising your own self worth is the first step in attracting the right people (partners, friends, confidants, role models etc)
    (e) Women should not feel a man is doing them a favour when they marry them. It is a good wife that makes a home, so women should recognise that THEY are the ones doing the man a foavour.
    (f) Finally, I used my friends as examples of how ending a bad marriage does not neccessarily mean the end of the world. In fact these women are stronger than they were years ago.

    I hear you re: 'I have never in my life come across a blog post or article advising men to know their worth or telling them how they can be helpful to women'
    That really is not my place. If you read my posts, you will know that I write from experience - and usually posts about female empowerment.

    I hope this clears things up.
    Thanks


    @Natural Nigerian
    This is definitely not a new message.
    As my people say: 'There is nothing new under the sun'
    However, we learn everyday
    My friend's example was shared to encourage others. You can see from the comments from Unveiling, OS, Ginger, Miss JB etc .....that those examples struck a nerve.

    A reminder can be timely
    Thanks for dropping by
    xoxoxo

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  37. @Northern Girl
    Thanks sister
    I am hoping the single girls among us dont repeat the mistakes of those that came before them
    Thanks my sister
    xoxoxo

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  38. Thanks a bunch for posting this. If I had an "internet mum", it world be you lol.

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  39. This is sooo true! I love how you keep it really!!!

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  40. @Boma
    Thanks for dropping by
    LOL @'internet mum"
    What a compliment !!!
    Okay...have you made your bed today? Did you pray when you woke up? Did you have breakfast? I hope your supper is home-made?? etc etc
    Have you changed your mind now....LOL
    Stay blessed
    xoxoxo


    @Blessing
    Thanks my sister
    I am blessed to have gone through some 'enlightening' life experiences and to also have some good friends.
    I hope our experiences will make others careful
    xoxoxox

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  41. love your blog just came across it..
    great points!
    *now following*

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I always look forward to reading comments from visitors - so please leave yours. Many thanks for dropping by....xoxoxox