Romantic Relationships: Lessons Learnt (pt. 2)

Thank you for all your comments and feedback since I posted Part I. Before I begin part 2, here is my disclaimer again: 

       The opinions expressed here are solely based on personal experience and do not in any way pretend to be the definitive, all-encompassing  truth about all relationships.

Now, with regards to romantic relationships, here are the final 4 lessons I have learnt so far:

 (4)  FINANCIAL STUPIDITY CAN BE FATAL

     I always hear people say 'Money is the root of all evil'. I beg to amend this by saying - 'MISUSE of money is the root of all evil'. To me, money is a useful thing to have - because it can help one take care of certain challenges. However, most people underestimate how important financial common sense can be to the sustainability of any romantic relationship. Partners seem to avoid talking about money and this does not make sense. 
Will you get into a car with an inexperienced driver? OR Get into a plane with a visibly drunk pilot. I assume NOT. However, I see those situations as similar to instances where a financially savvy person enters into a relationship with a financially stupid person.

Even if you love someone with all your heart, with time, it can get a bit tiring if the person is a LEECH or a SPENDRIFT or a MISER. 

An example please:

Mary met Nonso at a London event. Although she was earning more than him when they started dating, she didn't mind that he couldn't buy her nice things or take her to special places. Mary was a great believer in 'investing time and effort in people' - and she felt that - apart from being broke all the time Nonso was a great boyfriend. 

While some of her friends felt Nonso was a bit selfish, she believed that he would 'spoil her' in future. She was happy to buy him gifts, she was happy to help him out from time to time, she was even happy to contribute to his air fare whenever he wanted to go back to Nigeria to see his aged parents. 

Her friends were not convinced his intentions were genuine and it got to a stage where Mary bought her own birthday presents and passed them off as from Nonso - just to keep her friends quiet. She even considered relocating from London to Manchester - to be with him because she wanted them to set up home together.

Long story short, after waiting 5 years for Nonso to propose - and for her 'investment' to pay off; she found out that he had been secretly dating a girl in Nigeria. How did she find out? ............Well, last November, Mary's close friend (Cha-Cha) went home to Enugu. While there, Cha-Cha's cousins dragged her to an engagement party in Nsukka. When Cha-Cha got there..........................she discovered the party was actually Nonso's - He was celebrating his engagement to his Naija based girl friend !

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a man MUST shower a girl with presents etc to prove his love - or  vice versa. However, I believe that no matter how poor you are if you really love someone, YOU MUST DO YOUR BEST TO SHOW IT. Buy whatever you can afford, spend whatever you can afford BUT DO SOMETHING.

Financial stupidity comes in many forms:

- An inability to save

- An inability to control spending

- An inability to invest a single penny on one's partner/ home/ family

- An inability to plan - financially - for one's future

This kind of stupidity is especially harmful - when it involves another person's life/ emotions. Yes, financial stupidity can truly kill love, murder affection and strangle respect.

(5) PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION

One of my favourite passages ffrom the Bible is Matthew 7:6

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces'

While this passage relates to faith, the message is also a warning that one should not give something precious to those who do not value it. In a relationship, one must remember that PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION. Some people value gold, others beads. Some cars, others property. Some value company, others solitude. What one defines as  'precious' differs from person to person.

I cannot count the number of times I have heard a girl complain...'He used me. He was the first man I ever slept with and he dumped me' Yes, I do accept that your virginity is a precious asset. However, I must remind you that it is only precious to YOU. If you decide to lose it to someone, do bear in mind that that 'special moment' MIGHT just be just another quickie to him.

Again, I have heard men complain that a girlfriend/ wife does not respect their 'precious' mother and they are not willing to accept that. In an ideal world, the mother-in-law and wife/girlfriend would meet for the first time and immediately bond because they have a common object of affection - the son. However, we must bear in mind that this 'special mother' is only special to the son. Her value might become evident to the girlfriend/wife with time...not immediately...but with time. 

So, the man must understand that it might take time for these two women to bond....if they ever do. Until they do, it is the man's duty to protect his partner - advising her on what the mum likes/ dislikes. It is also his duty to make his mother aware that his partner has his best interest at heart - while still reassuring his mum that her place in his heart remains.

Yes, 'precious' is personal. Just because you have always placed great value on acquiring a PhD, dont assume your husband will automatically share your dream. Just because you feel a retirement home in Nigeria is an ultimate goal, dont assume your wife will automatically have the same dream. 

A long term romantic relationship can be compared to a debate - you often have to convince the other party that you have a valid argument. With love and patience, PRECIOUS WILL BECOME A SHARED DEFINITION. 

(6) CHOOSE YOUR THREESOMES CAREFULLY 

    Not THAT KIND of threesome........you naughty person *cheeky smile*

    I refer to any person you let into your relationship. A lot of women have a habit of discussing their relationship problems with friends and family members.

    It is important to remember that most people are not honest about what goes on behind closed doors:                                                                                                              I had a very good friend - lets call her Mugu - who had been married for just over a year. She always shared her marital problems with all her friends - It was always one thing or the other. However, her biggest grievance against her husband was that he was always out with his friends. Every Friday and Saturday night he could be found in his favourite Naija bar in South East London.                                                                                                                                   Whenever she complained to her friends, one of them in particular - Amy - was always telling her 'If it were me, I will do this or that' OR 'Do not to take rubbish' OR 'Put your foot down' OR 'Show your husband who is boss'....... ..                                                                                                   Anyway, one day, Amy advised Mugu to drive to this bar and embarass the man. Mugu did so and her husband was mad. He felt this was the ultimate insult - especially as his friends witnessed his wife accosting him so publicly. When he got home, the husband demanded an apology and Mugu refused. He then proceeded to pack up a bag and drive to his best friend's house - where he stayed for the next one month.                                                                                                                                      During that period, Mugu became worried that her marriage was over and spoke to Amy. Amy advised her to stand her ground. What happened.........was that apparently, as a very good friend, Amy started visiting Mugu's husband in the office - to 'console' him - and after some time, she started 'consoling' him with sex ! 
Indeed, whenever you open your mouth to discuss your relationship with another person, you must remember that you now have a third person in the relationship. A threesome must be mutually beneficial and it must not disturb the dynamics of the relationship. Comparing a partner to another is a recipe for disaster.

Personally, I prefer discussing such issues with acquintances that are oustide my usual circle of friends OR with much older people. Remember that people are not likely to be honest about their own relationship. Shine your eye no be curse.


(7) BURNT BRIDGES MIGHT HAUNT YOU

   English saying: ''Don't burn your bridges behind you" - means always leave people in good terms as you never know when you might meet them again
   Love is intoxicating and the beginnings of a love affair or a strong sexual relationship can be fraught with silly mistakes that come back to haunt one. An example please:
      Donald, a Nigerian, met Sophie - a white American girl - when he went over to the US to start a new life. When they met, Donald was a security guard at a local supermarket and Sophie was also working there as a cashier. They both fell in love and eventually moved in together. Intoxicated by love and the fact that he was now in the US, Donald could often be heard dissing his origins with negative statements like:
        'Nigeria is a jungle, I can never live there' OR 'Nothing good ever comes from Nigeria'
       'Black girls are a waste of space' OR 'Black people cannot lead themselves' OR 'Nigeria is a filthy place'

Over time, Sophie and Donald had two boys. As the boys grew up, Donald wanted them to know more about Nigeria so when he finally got his papers regularised - and he could now travel to Nigeria, he suggested that they visit Nigeria to see where he came from - especially as his parents were getting old . His wife's reaction - 'ABSOLUTELY NOT !' All she had heard about Nigeria was negatives. How could she trust that her children would be safe?


People burn their bridges in different ways:
- Some cut off their friends because they feel their new love is more important
- Some pull away from their family members because their family's modest means might be 'embarrassing' when compared to the wealth of their new lover's family
- Some turn their back on their origins because it is not 'cool' enough.....


Believe me, such actions always haunt you later. We are who we are. If you deny something that is part of you, that thing will deny you one day. Honesty between couples makes life so much easier.




SO,
These are the 7 main lessons i have learnt about romantic relationships - so far. Of course there are many more, but I have to be brief. The truth is that men and women are fundamentally different so it takes hard work for any couple to unify their shared goals and dreams. I grew up in a house full of girls - and I now have only sons so I can officially confirm that boys/men are quite different from girls.

Now consider this - a romantic relationship between two people involves bringing together two people with different childhoods, different life experiences, different values and maybe even differing beliefs. Considering how difficult it is for siblings to live together without fighting from time to time.....one must understand that romantic relationships have a lot of differences to contend with. Why do some work? Because real love can be a great overcomer.

A house divided against itself cannot and will not stand. It can never withstand the test of time. A couple have to disagree to agree. However, they MUST respect each other and put each other first. 

I pray that each of my sons will find a loving partner someday because life is too hard and complicated for someone to go through it alone. Real love and happiness are worth more than all the gold in the world and if one is blessed with good health also......nobody can hold one back.

I wish you all the same - good health, real love and happiness. Do let me know your own lessons you have learnt about love. xoxoxo

PS - I just realised that its past midnight here. Apologies to UK peeps that I posted late. I'm on US time *smile*