Thursday 9 June 2011

Romantic Relationships: Lessons Learnt (pt. 2)

Thank you for all your comments and feedback since I posted Part I. Before I begin part 2, here is my disclaimer again: 
       The opinions expressed here are solely based on personal experience and do not in any way pretend to be the definitive, all-encompassing  truth about all relationships.

Now, with regards to romantic relationships, here are the final 4 lessons I have learnt so far:

 (4)  FINANCIAL STUPIDITY CAN BE FATAL
     I always hear people say 'Money is the root of all evil'. I beg to amend this by saying - 'MISUSE of money is the root of all evil'. To me, money is a useful thing to have - because it can help one take care of certain challenges. However, most people underestimate how important financial common sense can be to the sustainability of any romantic relationship. Partners seem to avoid talking about money and this does not make sense. 
Will you get into a car with an inexperienced driver? OR Get into a plane with a visibly drunk pilot. I assume NOT. However, I see those situations as similar to instances where a financially savvy person enters into a relationship with a financially stupid person.

Even if you love someone with all your heart, with time, it can get a bit tiring if the person is a LEECH or a SPENDRIFT or a MISER. 

An example please:
Mary met Nonso at a London event. Although she was earning more than him when they started dating, she didn't mind that he couldn't buy her nice things or take her to special places. Mary was a great believer in 'investing time and effort in people' - and she felt that - apart from being broke all the time Nonso was a great boyfriend. 

While some of her friends felt Nonso was a bit selfish, she believed that he would 'spoil her' in future. She was happy to buy him gifts, she was happy to help him out from time to time, she was even happy to contribute to his air fare whenever he wanted to go back to Nigeria to see his aged parents. 

Her friends were not convinced his intentions were genuine and it got to a stage where Mary bought her own birthday presents and passed them off as from Nonso - just to keep her friends quiet. She even considered relocating from London to Manchester - to be with him because she wanted them to set up home together.

Long story short, after waiting 5 years for Nonso to propose - and for her 'investment' to pay off; she found out that he had been secretly dating a girl in Nigeria. How did she find out? ............Well, last November, Mary's close friend (Cha-Cha) went home to Enugu. While there, Cha-Cha's cousins dragged her to an engagement party in Nsukka. When Cha-Cha got there..........................she discovered the party was actually Nonso's - He was celebrating his engagement to his Naija based girl friend !

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying a man MUST shower a girl with presents etc to prove his love - or  vice versa. However, I believe that no matter how poor you are if you really love someone, YOU MUST DO YOUR BEST TO SHOW IT. Buy whatever you can afford, spend whatever you can afford BUT DO SOMETHING.

Financial stupidity comes in many forms:
- An inability to save
- An inability to control spending
- An inability to invest a single penny on one's partner/ home/ family
- An inability to plan - financially - for one's future

This kind of stupidity is especially harmful - when it involves another person's life/ emotions. Yes, financial stupidity can truly kill love, murder affection and strangle respect.



(5) PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION
One of my favourite passages ffrom the Bible is Matthew 7:6
"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces'

While this passage relates to faith, the message is also a warning that one should not give something precious to those who do not value it. In a relationship, one must remember that PRECIOUS IS A PERSONAL DEFINITION. Some people value gold, others beads. Some cars, others property. Some value company, others solitude. What one defines as  'precious' differs from person to person.

I cannot count the number of times I have heard a girl complain...'He used me. He was the first man I ever slept with and he dumped me' Yes, I do accept that your virginity is a precious asset. However, I must remind you that it is only precious to YOU. If you decide to lose it to someone, do bear in mind that that 'special moment' MIGHT just be just another quickie to him.

Again, I have heard men complain that a girlfriend/ wife does not respect their 'precious' mother and they are not willing to accept that. In an ideal world, the mother-in-law and wife/girlfriend would meet for the first time and immediately bond because they have a common object of affection - the son. However, we must bear in mind that this 'special mother' is only special to the son. Her value might become evident to the girlfriend/wife with time...not immediately...but with time. 

So, the man must understand that it might take time for these two women to bond....if they ever do. Until they do, it is the man's duty to protect his partner - advising her on what the mum likes/ dislikes. It is also his duty to make his mother aware that his partner has his best interest at heart - while still reassuring his mum that her place in his heart remains.

Yes, 'precious' is personal. Just because you have always placed great value on acquiring a PhD, dont assume your husband will automatically share your dream. Just because you feel a retirement home in Nigeria is an ultimate goal, dont assume your wife will automatically have the same dream. 

A long term romantic relationship can be compared to a debate - you often have to convince the other party that you have a valid argument. With love and patience, PRECIOUS WILL BECOME A SHARED DEFINITION. 



(6) CHOOSE YOUR THREESOMES CAREFULLY 
    Not THAT KIND of threesome........you naughty person *cheeky smile*

    I refer to any person you let into your relationship. A lot of women have a habit of discussing their relationship problems with friends and family members.

    It is important to remember that most people are not honest about what goes on behind closed doors:                                                                                                              I had a very good friend - lets call her Mugu - who had been married for just over a year. She always shared her marital problems with all her friends - It was always one thing or the other. However, her biggest grievance against her husband was that he was always out with his friends. Every Friday and Saturday night he could be found in his favourite Naija bar in South East London.                                                                                                                                   Whenever she complained to her friends, one of them in particular - Amy - was always telling her 'If it were me, I will do this or that' OR 'Do not to take rubbish' OR 'Put your foot down' OR 'Show your husband who is boss'....... ..                                                                                                   Anyway, one day, Amy advised Mugu to drive to this bar and embarass the man. Mugu did so and her husband was mad. He felt this was the ultimate insult - especially as his friends witnessed his wife accosting him so publicly. When he got home, the husband demanded an apology and Mugu refused. He then proceeded to pack up a bag and drive to his best friend's house - where he stayed for the next one month.                                                                                                                                      During that period, Mugu became worried that her marriage was over and spoke to Amy. Amy advised her to stand her ground. What happened.........was that apparently, as a very good friend, Amy started visiting Mugu's husband in the office - to 'console' him - and after some time, she started 'consoling' him with sex
Indeed, whenever you open your mouth to discuss your relationship with another person, you must remember that you now have a third person in the relationship. A threesome must be mutually beneficial and it must not disturb the dynamics of the relationship. Comparing a partner to another is a recipe for disaster.

Personally, I prefer discussing such issues with acquintances that are oustide my usual circle of friends OR with much older people. Remember that people are not likely to be honest about their own relationship. Shine your eye no be curse.


(7) BURNT BRIDGES MIGHT HAUNT YOU
   English saying: ''Don't burn your bridges behind you" - means always leave people in good terms as you never know when you might meet them again
   Love is intoxicating and the beginnings of a love affair or a strong sexual relationship can be fraught with silly mistakes that come back to haunt one. An example please:
      Donald, a Nigerian, met Sophie - a white American girl - when he went over to the US to start a new life. When they met, Donald was a security guard at a local supermarket and Sophie was also working there as a cashier. They both fell in love and eventually moved in together. Intoxicated by love and the fact that he was now in the US, Donald could often be heard dissing his origins with negative statements like:
        'Nigeria is a jungle, I can never live there' OR 'Nothing good ever comes from Nigeria'
       'Black girls are a waste of space' OR 'Black people cannot lead themselves' OR 'Nigeria is a filthy place'
Over time, Sophie and Donald had two boys. As the boys grew up, Donald wanted them to know more about Nigeria so when he finally got his papers regularised - and he could now travel to Nigeria, he suggested that they visit Nigeria to see where he came from - especially as his parents were getting old . His wife's reaction - 'ABSOLUTELY NOT !' All she had heard about Nigeria was negatives. How could she trust that her children would be safe?


People burn their bridges in different ways:
- Some cut off their friends because they feel their new love is more important
- Some pull away from their family members because their family's modest means might be 'embarrassing' when compared to the wealth of their new lover's family
- Some turn their back on their origins because it is not 'cool' enough.....


Believe me, such actions always haunt you later. We are who we are. If you deny something that is part of you, that thing will deny you one day. Honesty between couples makes life so much easier.




SO,
These are the 7 main lessons i have learnt about romantic relationships - so far. Of course there are many more, but I have to be brief. The truth is that men and women are fundamentally different so it takes hard work for any couple to unify their shared goals and dreams. I grew up in a house full of girls - and I now have only sons so I can officially confirm that boys/men are quite different from girls.

Now consider this - a romantic relationship between two people involves bringing together two people with different childhoods, different life experiences, different values and maybe even differing beliefs. Considering how difficult it is for siblings to live together without fighting from time to time.....one must understand that romantic relationships have a lot of differences to contend with. Why do some work? Because real love can be a great overcomer.

A house divided against itself cannot and will not stand. It can never withstand the test of time. A couple have to disagree to agree. However, they MUST respect each other and put each other first. 

I pray that each of my sons will find a loving partner someday because life is too hard and complicated for someone to go through it alone. Real love and happiness are worth more than all the gold in the world and if one is blessed with good health also......nobody can hold one back.

I wish you all the same - good health, real love and happiness. Do let me know your own lessons you have learnt about love. xoxoxo

PS - I just realised that its past midnight here. Apologies to UK peeps that I posted late. I'm on US time *smile*


45 comments:

  1. very nice post! i also feel like married partners shld be wary of people they discuss their marital problems with cos not everyone has their best interests at heart!

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  2. That finance one...man people totally underestimate how much money and proper financial planning can effect a relationship. Very serious thing. Definitely agree about who you involve in our relationship issues. Not everyone has your best interest at heart and its almost always the last person you suspect that will be plotting against you

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  3. Lovely Lovely post! I wish i could read more post like this :)

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  4. thank you my dear sister...very spot on...i had that same financial discussion some months back with my friend and he basically said it was gold diggin mentality.

    love this post

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  5. Love this post. Can't choose a favorite tip, love them all and I learnt a lot.

    Love your blog's font, makes reading easier!

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  6. First, love your disclaimer..LOL

    Second, And i LOVE the way your wrote this post.. down to earth without preambles!...*hi5* sister.

    .... the LOVE of money is indeed the root of ALL evil BUT money is the GREASE that makes the wheel of romance run smoothly without much hitch!... having a miser or extravagant partner is indeed a pain in the A**! Prudence is the KEY WORD.

    The MIL & DIL relationship had been a long-fought battle with the husband caught in btw...SOME men don't hold their wives mother precious but expect the wife to worship the ground his own mother walks on! LIKE SERIOUSLY? Respect is reciprocal...your adore mine, i would adore yours..chikena! Abi no be the same labour pains & love the mother of a wife brought her up that he found her marriage worthy,{if i am use that term}...nevertheless, a good dose of diplomacy is very good when dealing with MIL #cunning grin#...still reading.....

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  7. Yes,one should know whom to confide in becox not every one is happy FOR you..i like older married women who have experiences...my BF is one... is like asking someone who had not visited the labour room for once how child bearing is..she can never paint you the true picture but give you hear-says.....which does not mean that one should apply ALL the advise given to her...follow your instinct or gut feeling....& SOME women are great pretenders! Not to present their marriage in a bad -light, they lie! That is why it is good to read btw lines & body languages...for ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.... oh! don't forget little gossip..*wink*...hahahaha.....still reading

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  8. SO true! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!..yes, so sweet, but you NEED family/friend at a point in your life..nobody prays for bad / unepected thing but when it happens, one would realized that, the spouse that you cursed your family or friends for, would not be there for you! It's the same people you have 'disliked' for one reason or the other that would come to your aid! DIPLOMACY IS THE WATCH-WORD HERE...no matter how one disagrees with you concerning your spouse, do not CUT off from them!...they ONLY mearnt well for you, though might be presenting it wrongly....still reading...hmmm.. 9jamum....na interesting work you give me here ooo...hahahaha

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  9. *clapping*..a 'SOLID' conclusion to an insightful write-up..if siblings can fight, then why won't 2 different people with only the STRING OF LOVE' bonding them together? .....it indeed takes hard work! So i get 'angry' at young brides who expect fairy tale marriages...i tell them it takes a lot of 'energy' to pound yam & fufu together until it blends and forms because both complement each other unlike OIL & WATER! .....MARRIAGE IS SWEET BUT NEEDS HARD WORK....it is either the man or the woman that compromises the more to make it work...so what is workable for couple A might not go for couple B...know your spouse... thank you 9jamum for this 'education'..xoxo..& stay blessed.

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  10. I found this post really interesting. I especially loved numbers 5 & 7. I can honestly say that i have learnt something new.

    God bless you for this

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  11. “Just because you feel a retirement home in Nigeria is an ultimate goal, dont assume your wife will automatically have the same dream.”

    Mmmm, if I didn’t see a couple who have been married and living abroad for almost 30 years (yes!) argue passionately about this in front of me, I would have thought it wasn’t a big deal. Lovely, lovely couple but on this one point, my husband and I had to beg Aunty and Uncle to calm down before the man loses control of the car we were in and drives us into a ditch. It’s been over 2 years and Uncle just called recently to say Aunty is finally conceding (well, she probably had to because the love of her life is just about ready to pack his bags and get on a plane with a one-way ticket).

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  12. Good points and you talked about them well.i really love #5..i have a better knowledge of 'my precious'
    Good job NIL

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  13. N.I.L Are you sure you should not start off as a relationship expert? Jeez! You are blessed.
    I used to say, I can date a poor guy, as long as within that his poor earnings, I know that I feel a sense of belonging. If he doesn't even care at all, check, he's spending it on another girl for sure no 2 ways about it.

    And for the inlaw part, if both partners can help support and each other as a team, gradually your loved ones will start following suit. It's not easy though but it's something you guys have to work together to build. When you're over at the girl's house, it's the girl that should work so hard to carry the man along and when it's at the guy's place, the guy should take over until everybody gets used to blending and accepting each other.
    It's so bad when you take your girlfriend home and you just abandon her at the mercy of your mum forming some 'mummy's boy'. Like dude seriously, don't I have a home and my own parents? Like seriously have you forgotten that the reason she's there is only because she loves you?
    I better stop before I leave a long epistle here :), Like I haven't already *SMH*
    Nice write up indeed!

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  14. Good one NIL...this is such great advice! a fresh way to look at relationships. Thanks a lot for sharing!!

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  15. THUMBS UP FOR YOU, NAIJA MUM!!!

    One of the best posts I have read so far...
    I had to bring out my journal to write down some points..thanks so much for sharing....

    May the water brook of knowledge never run dry...
    "A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT" to the core that's who you are...

    "The truth is that men and women are fundamentally different so it takes hard work for any couple to unify their shared goals and dreams."---You are so much on point as per this statement and now i can boldly say I am ready to give it all it takes to unify my goals and dreams with that of my hubby.

    I particularly like Lesson Number 6-"CHOOSE YOUR THREESOMES CAREFULLY", and i recommend the film "NOT EASILY BROKEN" WRITTEN BY BRIAN BIRD AND DIRECTED BY BILL DUKE for those who have not watched it. Also, Ecclesiastes 4v.12 says it all ".......three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken."

    It simply pays to make Christ the third person in ones's marriage, i feel better when I unburden my relationship burdens to Him than to any one else.

    ditto on Ibhade's comment-"a good dose of diplomacy is needed in dealing with MILs"

    Whao, I hope my comment has not turned into an epistle...that simply shows how much I enjoyed this post both the part 1 and 2.

    Bless your beautiful heart,NIL.
    ***HUGS AND ***KISSES.....

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  16. This is awesome advice. Thank you so much for sharing. Please continue to enlighten us with your wisdom nuggets.

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  17. @Chizzy D
    Thanks.
    Hope all is well.


    @kitkat
    Thanks
    I agree re: 'married partners shld be wary of people they discuss their marital problems with'
    True talk.
    I would also advise single people like yourself to do the same as people can be very crafty.
    Hope you are enjoying Naija.

    @LadyNgo
    Totally agree re: ' people totally underestimate how much money and proper financial planning can effect a relationship'
    Yes, a real biggie.
    *Nodding my head* re: ' Not everyone has your best interest at heart' You have summarised that section for me in one line :))))
    Hope all is well with you

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  18. @Mrs Newlywed
    Thanks so much for the compliment
    I hope the posts - and comments - will help people who are going through challenges in some way.
    We all can learn from one another.
    Hope you are well? Bless you sweetheart


    @The Young Radicals
    Thank you YR. 'Gold digging mentality' mm

    Whenever a woman wants to take charge of her finances, she is a gold-digger or greedy. However, whenever a man wants to do same, he is termed 'smart'
    My sister, shine your eyes.
    Thanks for dropping by


    @Boma
    I'm so happy to hear you learned something from this.
    I believe the joy of blogging is that we can share stuff without worrying about appearances.

    Re: Blog font - glad you like it. Thanks again

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  19. @Ibhade
    Re: disclaimer - I have to put it up oh.
    I dont want anyone coming back to accuse me of misleading them. Ha ha

    Thanks for the compliment. Coming from you, it means a lot - because I know your posts are always on point.

    *Nodding my head* re:' money is the GREASE that makes the wheel of romance run smoothly without much hitch!' Prudence is really the key word.

    Re: MIL & DIL relationship, like you, I always wonder why some men dont hold their 'wives mother precious but expect the wife to worship the ground his own mother walks on!' Please tell me if that's possible?
    Like you said 'a good dose of diplomacy is very good when dealing with MIL' *sly wink* I can only imagine what your brain has been coming up with LOL


    @Ibhade
    Like you, I like older married women who have experiences. Too true re: 'like asking someone who had not visited the labour room for once how child bearing is' That's why I wonder at people who seek advice from EVERYBODY.

    You are absolutely right when you said ' their marriage in a bad -light, they lie! That is why it is good to read btw lines & body languages...for ACTION SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS.... ' Yes oh..Women are great pretenders. All I hear from some is my husband this, my husband that. Meanwhile the whole London knows he has another wife in Naija *mschewwwww*

    @Ibhade
    Yes again re: '.nobody prays for bad / unepected thing but when it happens, one would realized that, the spouse that you cursed your family or friends for, would not be there for you!'
    Abi oh
    People seem to forget that this life is unpredictable. Who knows tomorrow?? As you said, diplomacy is key.

    Re: 'na interesting work you give me here ooo' Abeg no vex. Your experience is needed. XOXOXO


    @Ibhade
    God bless you for taking the time to comment.
    as you have shared your wisdom, so shall your blessings be tripled. Amen.
    I know for a fact that one person has been touched by all the comments here. That is why I really wanted input from you and other readers.
    Thank you.

    *clapping hard* re: ..a 'i tell them it takes a lot of 'energy' to pound yam & fufu together until it blends and forms because both complement each other unlike OIL & WATER! .....MARRIAGE IS SWEET BUT NEEDS HARD WORK'
    No truer words said.
    If I could print all this post - and readers' comments - and hand it out to every new couple, I would.
    Thank you soooooooo much for taking the time to address each area. May God continue to bless your marriage and make your home a refuge of peace. Amen

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  20. @Mimi B
    Re: 'I especially loved numbers 5 & 7' GOOD
    I'm also glad you learnt something new.
    God bless you for stopping by and I hope your relationship is blessed with peace, hapiness and good fortune. Amen.


    @ os
    I had to laugh hard at this: ' ....I had to beg Aunty and Uncle to calm down before the man loses control of the car we were in and drives us into a ditch' OMG
    Yes oh, it is a serious issue.
    I dont know why but most couples just assume the other person knows what's on their mind.
    I am happy that aunt has agreed....but the reality is that aunty might be spending more time over here even when they eventually 'retire back'


    @Pretty Lashes
    Thanks so much dearie
    Hope all is well with you and yours
    Take care

    @NikkiSho
    Good to know you have a 'better knowledge of 'my precious'
    Like I mentioned before, we often assume the other person can read our mind.
    Its all fine when we are talking about a takeaway, but for major life decisions/ Milestones, it is up to you to define 'your precious' - and protect it
    *BIG BEAR HUG* and *BIG SLOPPY KISS* right back at you :))))
    Thanks for dropping by

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  21. MsJB
    *Shouting*...NO, NO, NO, NO re: 'Are you sure you should not start off as a relationship expert?'
    Ha! That is too much responsibility
    Can you imagine everythime I have an argument with hubby .... he will say 'And you call yourself relationship expert???' The shame LOL
    I agree with you that one can date a guy who is not wealthy...but like you said, spending on another girl is a no no.

    Re in-laws- You have shared so much wisdom re: 'When you're over at the girl's house, it's the girl that should work so hard to carry the man along and when it's at the guy's place, the guy should take over until everybody gets used to blending and accepting each other' ...........That there is the wisdom that some old people do not even have. God will bless you...in short, he has already blessed you. Shout Amen and claim it quickly oh.


    *Nodding my head* re: '...........and you just abandon her at the mercy of your mum forming some 'mummy's boy'
    That is a no no.
    You have made valid points and I wish I could put that on a key ring and distribute it to all Naija men especially

    Epistle ke.....Encyclopaedia ni...Why did you stop now? Seriously though, you made really valid points and I am grateful. Someone is benefitting from those words and as you blessed them, you will be blessed.
    Take care of yourself. I really appreciate the time and effort you took to make such insightful comments.


    @9jaFOODie
    My personal person
    Thanks so much for dropping by.
    I am sooo glad you found something useful.
    Even if its only one point that touched you - I am happy. My pnly request is that you make grilled fish and dodo for me whenever we meet up.
    Hope all is well with you?


    @ omoba-adeteju
    Thank you, thank you, thank you *taking a bow*

    I am really glad you liked it.

    LOL @ 'I had to bring out my journal to write down some points' I am flattered

    I claim quick quick re 'May the water brook of knowledge never run dry'
    AMEN and AMEN

    If it's by the prayers I have received alone, I know this post has blessed me.

    Re 'A RELATIONSHIP EXPERT'...please oh. I am still learning oh.

    *Doing a happy dance on my chair* re: 'now i can boldly say I am ready to give it all it takes to unify my goals and dreams with that of my hubby'
    I AM SOOOO GLAD

    I will definitely look out for the film you mentioned. It sounds familiar but I can quite remember where I have heard that title before. Did you blog about it....?

    RE '.......three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.'
    So true that 'i feel better when I unburden my relationship burdens to Him than to any one else'
    So true

    Agree re Ibhade's "a good dose of diplomacy is needed in dealing with MILs" You know that woman is intelligent now. LOL

    Re: 'epistle'...I dont know why people complain about epistle. I post, you comment. One line, two lines, twenty lines...so long as you comment sha LOL

    Thank you sooooooo much for taking the time and effort to comment. I'm sure you know I appreciate it. May God bless you for sharing your wisdom. Thank you, thank you


    @@Triumphant
    Thanks for the compliment
    I'm glad you liked the advice
    I have popped over to your blog and I'll be back again

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  22. Interesting post and so true. Shame that women get burnt more than men.

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  23. You had my heart with #4. Money Money. If you notice I am not so vehement about adultery, no be say e no bad, but for me a financially irresponsible man is worse than an adulterer.

    Matthew 7:6 I just re-learnt that lesson in a hard way recently. But that's what life is all about..learning experience..isnt it?

    Thanks for sharing NIL.

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  24. Very insightful article. Thanks for sharing,i've learnt a lot form all seven tips

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  25. Amazing. Most of these things were touched on at the pre-marital counselling class my husband and I attended.
    Truth be told when it comes to the "precious" thing, family really falls under that category. I find that sometimes it's easy for wives to rubbish a sister or brother to their husband, this does so much damage as all respect of that person ebbs away.
    As far as I'm concerned the third person in a marriage should be Jesus - sometimes older people can't offer you the support and help you need. In the time I've been married one thing that has helped our us is the fact that no one knows our business and we developed a culture of apologising to one another regardless of who is at fault. We always talk to one another.
    I refuse to go to my mother with marital problems because no matter what her love for ne will cloud her judgement and will affect the way she treats my husband regardless of how objective she may try to be. Well I pray we never have problems bigger than us- problems we can not talk and pray away.
    I love this post NIL

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  26. What more can I add?! Nothing! I'd suggest that this post should be printed out (with your permission of course) and handed out to women! I have always preached that 3rd parties should stay out of any relationship between husband and wife! And in all it should not always be about money!

    Thanks for sharing these useful tips!

    Stay blessed!

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  27. Money is not the root of all evil. What the bible says is that 'The love of money is the root of all evil'.
    i don't think the guy's action in the first case has anything to do with hiss stinginess to her. he is a cheating person. I think he will also be stingy to the Naija lady
    I really enjoyed the 3rd point. That is wisdom speaking.
    All nice lessons, thanks for sharing

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  28. isnt today the 9th of June? 29 comments alredy, I was here hoping i'd be like d first! oh wells, lemme grab my 30th spot naw! LoooL--when u said "choose ur 3somes"---ahh my heart cut o, remain small na to close d window! hehheh--well written post!

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  29. AMEN sister...thank YOU :D

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  30. lovely post. I enjoyed every bit of it..
    Don't worry your sons will find good partners for like you said life is hard but its easier when u do not face it alone. Trust me i know this.
    www.secretlilies.blogspot.com

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  31. Financial integrity is one of the most important recipes for a successful marriage, it starts with declaring your assets and liabilities. I usually do not understand why men make a lot of fuss about declaring their income, i think if you do, you automatically help the woman know what your spending capacities are and then you can build a scale of preference together. I also know that most people have issues because they 'borrow' money from each other and refuse to pay back! Furthermore, your money is our money and my money is our money afterall 1+1 = 1


    Sharing core relationship issues is a NO NO, find a mentor, most preferrably an aged couple, not even parents cos they'll end up taking sides.

    'Precious' should be defined to the last details, assumption is the mother of all F'ups! He is not a voodoo priest and she's no witch so how do you expect them to read your mind???

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  32. So, so true...especially the last 2 points...

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  33. Great great advice. Thanks for sharing these :D

    Adiya
    http://thecornershopng.blogspot.com

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  34. Thanks for sharing NIL.
    @Scarlet
    Thanks for dropping by
    Glad you found it useful


    @ Msluffa
    *Nodding my head* re :'..........when it comes to the "precious" thing, family really falls under that category'
    People underestimate the effect utterances can have.
    I do agree when you say 'sometimes older people can't offer you the support and help you need'
    One has to choose carefully.
    I really like your strategy of ' apologising to one another regardless of who is at fault' Really great. Unfortunately, pride can cause many an argument. Again, a partner can take the other for granted.
    I also like your tactic of not discussing marital problems with your mum. If you do, you run the risk of her bearing a grudge against your hubby - even after both of you have reconciled.
    Thank you so much for sharing these tips, like I said to earlier visitors - I'm sure others will benefit in some way.
    Thanks for your insightful comments. Much appreciated.


    @Dee!
    LOL @'sI'd suggest that this post should be printed out (with your permission of course) and handed out to women!'
    Along with most of the comments too.
    I totally agree that ' it should not always be about money!'
    That is really important. Couples can get sooo caught up in squabbling over money that they cant see the important things - like good health and the love they share.
    Thanks for dropping by

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  35. @ilola
    Agree with 'What the bible says is that 'The love of money is the root of all evil'
    However, I choose to use the word MISUSE because I was referring to the different ways money can be misused - HOARDED, WASTED, AVOIDED, MISSPENT, STOLEN etc
    Not all misuse derives from a love of money.

    Re: 'i don't think the guy's action in the first case has anything to do with his stinginess to her'
    I do agree that he was stingy but I believe he was also stingy because he refused to spend whatever he had on his partner. I believe a man/woman who is really in love should attempt to demonstrate this - in any way.
    Re the 3rd point - I'm glad you found it useful. Remember that these lessons do not only apply to married people :)))
    Thanks for dropping by. Hope all is well with you.

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  36. @Gee
    LOL @'I was here hoping i'd be like d first! oh wells'
    I guess the post spoke to a lot of people LOL
    LOL @'....-ahh my heart cut o, remain small na to close d window!'....What were you hoping for? Naughty, naughty!
    Thanks for dropping by. Hope all is well


    @Ibhade
    No problems oh

    @Tamuno
    Glad you liked it
    Amen oh re: my boys
    *Nodding my head* re 'Trust me i know this'
    You are lucky.
    Thanks for dropping by. Much appreciated


    @PET
    Yes oh '...it starts with declaring your assets and liabilities'
    I TOTALLY AGREE Re '...I usually do not understand why men make a lot of fuss about declaring their income, i think if you do, you automatically help the woman know what your spending capacities'
    Makes total sense

    Re issues about borrowing money - I have to admit that I always ask my hubby for my money BUT I hardly ever pay him back. LOL

    Yes oh re: '.....not even parents cos they'll end up taking sides'

    You made me really laugh when you said '.....assumption is the mother of all F'ups!'
    Couldnt have put it better myself. Unfortunately, we often assume our 'precious' is precious to all. I guess we all assume we are voodoo priests and witches. LOL

    Thanks so much for your comments. Much appreciated

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  37. @Anoda Phase
    Glad you liked the post
    Thanks for dropping by

    @Adiya
    Glad you liked the points
    Hope all is well

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  38. Hmmm.
    Marriage is hardwork oh!
    I like how you ask for your money back, but hardly ever pay back. I know one girl whose name starts with G that does that too ;o)

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  39. Spot on. Well written NIL, you do well :)

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  40. @Gbemi
    Yes oh...Marriage is hardwork
    However, like everything in life, you get what you put in
    LOL @ 'How I get my money back'...em, through blackmailing the poor man. I am often known to say 'I cannot imagine you are asking for JUST £X back' LOL
    Hope all is well

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